


Reality check

by Full_Of_Shame



Series: This is real. - Mr.Robot [2]
Category: Mr. Robot (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Hermaphrodites, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Medical Jargon, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mpreg, Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Other, POV First Person, Parent-Child Relationship, Post Mpreg, Pregnant Elliot Alderson, Sibling Love, original child character - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:07:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 48,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21943372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Full_Of_Shame/pseuds/Full_Of_Shame
Summary: A sequel to my previous work 'Is this even real' picking up a few months after the events of the last chapter, showing an insight into what Elliot's life has become and what new challenges await him, how he'll face what life throws at him now that he is a single parent and the trials and tribulations he'll have deal with.
Series: This is real. - Mr.Robot [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1795507
Comments: 60
Kudos: 45





	1. 202 Accepted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here's the first chapter of the sequel. Yes, it does exist (I haven't forgotten about it), it just takes a lot of time to write it, and time I something I don't really have lately, so please be patient with me. I hope you enjoy it, and let me know what you thought in the comments.
> 
> This story can also be found on Wattpad if that's what you fancy.  
> https://www.wattpad.com/806038111-reality-check-202-accepted

March - 8 months old

Hello friend. Sorry, I haven't talked to you in a while... you’ll have to forgive me but, taking care of a child by yourself isn’t that simple. Darlene left about two months after he was born but comes to say Hi every now and then; She’s so good with him, she’d make a good mother. He’s eight months old now and I don’t know why but that first month after he was born was the last time I saw Mr. Robot. He’s been gone ever since. He didn’t say he was leaving, just, stopped showing up. I'm kind of lonely now... I got used to Darlene's constant presence and Mr. Robots' visits, like an idiot. It’s just me and Alex now, I don’t want him to feel like I do. I try my best to entertain him; I take him out on walks in his stroller, I play with him on the floor - I can’t even count how many times I’ve woken up on the ground next to a happy gurgling infant.

Flipper loves him too, she likes playing with him a lot. At first, I was kind of scared to let her near him; I had no idea how she would react to a new human in the apartment but, it’s fine now. She doesn’t bite or anything, to the contrary, she licks him every time she can get to him so I have to watch out for that. I take Alex out to the park sometimes, he likes playing with other kids in the sandbox, not that he does much other than trying to eat the sand but he likes the company of others like him. He tries to talk to them but he can’t form words yet, anything that comes out of his mouth are two sometimes three repeating syllables like baba and dada. Although he says dada more than anything else, especially when I hold him, maybe he’s actually trying to talk to me... Nah. It’s probably just fun for him.

He' been coming with me to my appointments with Krista but I feel like it needs to stop, he's gonna understand things soon and I don't want him to have any memories of it. It's not right. The first few appointments following the one where Krista met Alex were a lot of catching up and explaining to her my journey until this point. It's helped me a lot I won't lie, I'm not as worried as I was before he was born. I think I'm gonna have to enroll him into a Daycare or something but I'm not ready yet, I feel like he's safer with me but there are times when I can't take him with me. He's starting to walk too; although he still mostly falls back after a few steps, still, the better he gets at it the harder it's gonna be to watch him, he's gonna start exploring things and... What if I lose him? God. I stopped breastfeeding him as well, I began bottle feeding him formula a few weeks ago, he seems to be doing fine. I've been also trying to give him some baby food but he always makes a mess instead of eating it. His pediatrician says he's hitting all his milestones so that's good. I really thought he'd have developmental problems because of me but luckily he's alright. I have to be careful not to forget any of his toys on the floor because Flipper thinks they're hers and bites them, especially his teething toys, I always have to make sure they're on a table or something. He really is a handful.

***

May - 10 months old

I've arranged for him to be at Daycare when I'm at Krista's, that way he can socialize a bit more rather than be bored in a room with two adults. Today is just a regular day, I was sitting on my computer, finishing a job for some cash. Alex is on the floor exploring, the older he is, the more curious he gets I've noticed. Right as I finished, I heard him giggling like mad. What is he doing? I walked over to him, he was halfway behind the couch; Flipper sitting behind him waiting for him to emerge. I pulled him out of there and held him up in my arms.

"What are you doing Baby? What's so funny?"

I never retired the nickname 'Baby' because it made it easier to bond with him once he was born. He giggled again and I noticed he was holding something in his hand.

"What you got there? Can you give it to me?"

He closed his fist tighter and shook his head.

"NO!"

"Come on, please."

"Nu-uh."

I began tickling his belly so he'd give it up, he wriggled for a bit and finally opened his hand to reveal an old morphine pill covered in hair and dust.

"Shit."

"Dada!"

Fuck I have to watch my language around him. I quickly took it from him and threw it in the trash. What was that doing there? I haven't touched one of these ever since Mr. Robot made me quit, it must've been there for a long time. I can't imagine what if he had put it in his mouth. I knew it wouldn't be long until I'd fuck something up, damn.

***

19th July - 1-year-old

It's his birthday today. It's kind of hard to fathom it's already been one whole year of this seemingly improbable experience. I still feel like it's all just a dream sometimes, I think back too before he was born; it's nothing compared to now. As insane as it sounds, I sometimes miss that feeling of carrying him inside me, feeling him move under the confines of my skin. I wouldn't give him up for the world. I'm gonna take him to the park today so he can play with other kids, today is all about him but first I have to wake him from his nap. I walked up to his crib, his features so gentle in his sleep.

"♫Baby, wake up♫"

He slowly stirred awake, the hazel in his eyes a vibrant shade of green. I took him out of his crib and began rocking him in my arms.

"Hi, are we gonna go to the park today?"

His eyes lit up, he giggled and gave me a big bright smile, he's only got eight teeth so far but he shows them anyway. He loves going there, he has so much fun socializing. I wonder if he'll be this social when he's older. I set him down on the changing table and began dressing him when Darlene walked through the door. She took him and spun around a couple of times.

"Hi, birthday boy! How are you today?"

She set him back down on the changing table and let me finish dressing him.

"Do I not exist anymore?" I asked while putting on his socks.

"Of course you do but it's not your birthday today it's his. Here's a gift for him."

She handed me a rectangular gift. I opened it to see a book called 'Goodnight moon'.

"You can start reading to him once he gets older."

"Thanks." I put it away for now.

"I see you're going out?"

"Yeah, we're going on a walk."

Once I was done she picked him up into her arms.

"Then I'm coming with." She walked towards the door.

I put my hoodie on, grabbed my backpack and joined her; we made it outside and Darlene was still holding Alexander in her arms.

"You know he can walk right?"

"Fine." She put him down on the ground and let him walk.

"I just wanted to hold him a bit."

"Well, you did. I want him to walk more. If I hold him too often he gets lazy so you can hold him when he'll get tired."

We passed by a bakery so I bought him a cupcake as a makeshift birthday cake and Darlene sang him Happy Birthday; Of course, he made a mess, good thing I carry all I need in my backpack. Once we made it to the playground he was on such a sugar rush, he fell over in the sand but got right back up to play with other kids while Darlene and I sat on a bench.

"So... one year later. How does it feel?"

"Surreal."

Darlene looked at me thoughtfully then looked back at Alex's way.

"You're such a good dad."

"Thanks."

"You should give him a haircut though." She deadpanned.

"Leave him be, he likes his hair long."

"You're creating a mini-me."

"What?" I don't get it.

"Well, he looks like you, and now he's got long hair like you did when you were a kid."

"You weren't even born when I was his age."

"There's pictures, you dolt."

"Sure, fine. Maybe I'll do it later."

We enjoyed our time on the bench until Alex called out for Darlene yelling, 'Un-ee' since he still can't say 'Antie'. Once he got tired we decided to head back to the apartment.

"See, now you can hold him all you want." I chuckled.

"Maybe you're tired of holding him but I'm not." Pride was pretty much oozing out of that sentence.

He was so tired, he fell asleep in her arms.

"There's no way I'd get tired of him."

We passed an old lady, one of my neighbors and once inside, I laid him back in his crib with one last sleepy 'Dada'. After an energetic day with him, Darlene left tired and I might as well take a nap, he's drained me completely of any energy I had, running after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked this, if anyone is wondering why I'm jumping the timeline so quickly, it's so that Alex can become a more involved character in the subsequent chapters. I'll be updating this story every once in a while, one chapter at a time (If I do finish the fic before I've posted all of them then I may post all of the rest of them at once, or I can keep posting chapter by chapter just in shorter increments, let me know what do you think.) Be sure to let me know what you thought in the comments (or what you didn't like - constructive criticism welcome ;) and maybe tell me about something you'd like to see in the future.


	2. 501 Not Implemented

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the second chapter, it's short not much but it gets us to where we'll be eventually, I'm not sure how often I'll be able to update again. Please don't be mad. (I did give myself a minimum of 1000 words per chapter so you'll never see a chapter shorter than that.)

September - 14 months old

Today, I finally decided to cut his hair and he threw a tantrum, he began throwing plastic bowls out of the cupboard, I hope I wasn't like that when I was a kid. Do you have any experience with this?

"You are not this stubborn after me, that's for sure."

He kept throwing bowls at me until I dropped the scissors.

"That is definitely your child, trust me."

I heard Darlene laughed behind me, she put her things down on the table and walked up to me.

"When did I ever say you didn't have to knock anymore?"

"Hey! I took care of you while you were brewing him up, I deserve not to knock, I pretty much lived here." She pointed at the still furious kid.

"I guess you'll never stop eavesdropping either huh? Won't you help me with him since you're here, this was your idea after all."

I handed her the scissors. After about a half-hour of struggling, he finally gave up and let us cut his hair.

"Yeah, let's not do that for another year."

"Oh shut up, it wasn't that bad. Or I'm just used to it since you were like that too. At least he has nowhere to run like you did." She laughed at the memory.

***

November - 16 months

He really wanted to come with me to walk Flipper, but he starting to act like a little rascal, he's thrown several tantrums and he's really needy. Yesterday he was playing with Flipper and pulling on her fur, he's starting to get on my nerves. And today he started playing in the mud after it rained even though I told him not to, now I have to give him a bath. *Sigh*

I took him into the bathroom and undressed him, as soon as he could, he bolted for the door and began running around the apartment. Oh my god...

"Baby, come on, get back here."

He giggled while running butt naked on my mattress.

"Alexander! Stop it!"

Right away, the use of his full name made him stop, he knows I'm not joking around. I took him back into the bathroom, this time locked the door behind me and put him in the tub.

"Dada."

"What, Baby?"

"In!" He slapped the water, making some of it fall on the floor.

"What?"

"Dadi in!"

"Did you just call me daddy?"

"In! In! In!" He kept slapping the water.

"Alright. You want me to get in the bath with you?"

"Yea!"

This kid... I undressed leaving on my boxers and got in the bath with him.

"Happy now?"

He nodded vigorously.

***

January - 18 months

For the third time this week, Alex woke up early in the morning, somehow got out of his crib and came to wake me up.

"Dada! Up."

I buried my face deep in my pillow; he tried pulling at my arm.

"Alex, no..."

He kept pulling my arm.

"Baby, sleep."

I quickly grabbed him and pulled him into bed with me and tickled him - giggling his head off. I pulled his pajama top up and blew farts on his belly making him laugh even more.

"Aww, why can't you sleep?"

"Eat."

"Of course you're hungry."

I laid with him for a few seconds and decided to make some food. I mashed up a banana and gave him some milk in his sippy cup. When I looked up he was on the ground trying to get his diaper off.

"No, no, no. Alex don't."

I quickly run up to him before he managed to remove it.

"What are you doing?"

"Don't want!" He was trying to pull them down.

"You don't want your diaper?"

"NO."

"You can't take it off yet okay? Now come eat."

Gladly he didn't make a fuss about it for the rest of the day but something tells me he's ready for potty training.

***

March - 20 months

My session with Krista ended a bit early today so I went to get Alex from Daycare and I saw him playing with this little girl about his age, apparently, they always play together, the women that work there say they're pretty much best friends. It's such a stark contrast to when he's at home, just playing alone with his toys... he needs someone to play with. Makes me feel kind of guilty considering I could change that.

***

June - 23 months

I was waiting for him to finish brushing his teeth, helping him here and there and put on a diaper for the night, hoping he doesn't take it off when he asked if he could sleep with me. I think it'll be fine so I let him jump in my bed and grabbed the book Darlene had given him for his birthday. I read it to him before but every time he understands the story a little bit more. We were now both under the covers, I tucked him in and began reading.

"In the great green room

There was a telephone

And a red balloon

And a picture of the cow jumping over the moon

And there were three little bears sitting on chairs."

He was looking at me with his big hazel eyes, more so brown than green in the dim light, listening intently to every word I said.

"And two little kittens

And a pair of mittens

And a little toy house

And a young mouse

And a comb and a brush and a bowl full of mush

And a quiet old lady who was whispering 'hush'."

I put my index finger in front of my lips for the word 'hush' and he did too.

"Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight cow jumping over the moon

Goodnight light

And the red balloon

Goodnight bears

Goodnight chairs

Goodnight kittens

And goodnight mittens

Goodnight clocks."

Flipper went to sleep in her dog bed.

"And goodnight Flipper."

I added to show him it works with other words.

"And goodnight socks

Goodnight little house

And goodnight mouse

Goodnight comb

And goodnight brush

Goodnight nobody

Goodnight mush

And goodnight to the old lady whispering “hush”

Goodnight stars

Goodnight air

Goodnight noises everywhere."

I closed the book and set it down on my dresser.

"Goodnight Baby."

"Goo-nite Daddy."

I kissed his forehead and laid under the covers. We laid there in the dark when Alex quietly spoke up.

"Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"Why Aleksh no have sis-er?" He still has trouble saying his own name.

"Why don't you have a sister?" I asked him to be sure that's what he meant.

"Yea."

"Well, I have you, Baby. If you want a sister or brother, there would be another baby, you'll have to share. Do you want another baby?"

"I want to play."

"You want a sister to play with you?"

"Yes." I could faintly make out his head nodding.

"Alright, we'll see about that another time, now go to sleep."


	3. 103 Checkpoint

19th July - 2 years old

This seems to be turning into a tradition but, like last year, Alexander, Darlene and I went to the park for his birthday. Alex was playing in the sandbox with a brand new toy truck he got from Darlene as she and I were sat on a nearby bench watching him. Ever since last month, I can't get Alex's question out of my mind, it keeps going around my head in circles. Does he really mean it? Does he even know what he really wants? Does he understand what that means? Yet at the same time, it seems like the logical next step. Yesterday he asked me if he'll get a sister for his birthday; please don't tell me he's lonely, I don't want him to be lonely. I don't want him to be like me... 

"What're you thinking about?"

Darlene startled me out or my thoughts; I took a moment before I answered, looking straight ahead. I don't even want to see what her reaction will be.

"Alex wants a sister." 

"What?! How do you know?" Don't think she expected to hear that today.

"A month ago, he asked me why doesn't he have a sister?" 

"And what did you tell him?"

"That I already have him. I told him if he wants a sibling, it means he'll have to share with another baby. He said he wants a sister to play with." 

"Sounds adamant." Her tone was cold - obviously joking.

"Yeah, yesterday he asked me if he'll get a sister for his birthday." 

I still don't know what to think of that. Darlene looked at me with a questioning look.

"And what about you? Do you want another kid?"

"I'm not sure... I don't even know if I'm ready for him to know where he came from."

Alex ran up to us from the sandbox, toy truck still in hand. Darlene grabbed him by the waist and sat him down in her lap. 

"I hear you want a baby sister Alex."

He got very happy at the mention of a possible sister and began jumping in her lap.

"An-ie gib Aleksh sis-er?" 

"No honey, I can't, but I think daddy can." 

"Daddy?"

He quickly turned to look at me, this hopeful look in his eyes, or is that just me?

"Don't tell him that! I don't even know if it's possible." I scolded her. 

"You had him, I don't see why you couldn't do it again."

"He wasn't exactly, consensual if you know what I mean." I whispered, my eyes wide directing my head towards Alex.

"Right, I forgot about that one little detail."

***

When Alexander was born... I told myself - I need to do anything for him - but, even if I do decide to go through with this; How am I gonna do that? It's not like the same scenario can happen twice, things aren't the same. Although. I could've sworn I saw Mr. Robot earlier today. No! There's no way, it's been too long, he would have shown up by now, he's gone for good. My brain is playing tricks on me, I'm probably just tired.

***

*August*

"I've been mulling the idea over for a few weeks now and the question 'Am I ready?' keeps coming up. I don't think I'll ever be ready, just like I wasn't with Alex, yet somehow everything turned out alright. Every time I see him playing alone on the floor at the apartment it makes me want to do it in a heartbeat and as cheesy as it may sound, I had a dream a couple of nights ago, of two kids running around in a field. That's so fucking cliché but, these two kids were running around, a little boy who looked to be about six or seven, he looked like Alex and this little girl, around four years old. I could never make out her face, she never stopped running. God, he's engraved this idea of a little sister into my brain so much so I'm having dreams about it. That's why I've been sitting here with my phone in hand for the past twenty minutes, my finger hovering over the dial button with Layla's number up on the screen. Let's be honest; If I'm really going to do this, Layla is the only person I can trust with this. She already knows all there is to know and she took care of Alex even though he had all the odds not to make it. It's dark outside, it's nighttime, Alex is already asleep - I just hope he doesn't hear any of this.

I finally took the plunge, I called her, the ringing tone rang, again, and again, and again. Maybe I'm calling too late? It had already rung several times and I was about to end the call when she picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Layla..." I spoke softly, trying not to wake Alex.

"Elliot? Why are you calling this late? Did something happened to Alex?" 

"No, no, he's okay but..."

"Yes?" 

I looked back at Alexander's sleeping form. God, do I really want to do this?

"I-uh... He... How do I say this? Alex wants a sibling." 

"Well, that's completely normal, kids around his age love playing with others, it's-"

"What I'm saying, Layla, is..." 

I cut her off, she's not quite getting my point. I hid my face in the palm of my hand in frustration; can't believe I'm saying this. 

"I want to, get pregnant again." 

I kept my eyes closed really thinking over what I've just said.

"Oh, I see..."

"Can you make that happen?" 

"Elliot, I..." 

There was a long pause on the other side. 

"Yes. I suppose your best bet would be artificial insemination."

"Like IVF?"

"It's similar yes, just that instead of an already fertilized egg being implanted, it's introducing sperm into the uterus and fallopian tubes simulating ejaculation. You'd have to come to my office for a checkup and select a donor sperm and the-"

"Alright." 

Did I really just agree to this? 

"Alright? Elliot, are you sure?"

"Yes. I'll do anything for him, I'll even do that again if it makes him happy." 

I could almost feel the semblance of a smile on Layla's face.

"Alright then." There was now a merrier tone on the other end.

"We can set up an appointment and see how things will go from there." 

"Good."

"Is that all?"

"Uh... yes, thanks, Layla. Goodnight." 

"Goodnight, Elliot." 

I hung up the phone and took a deep breath in; I'm really gonna do this. I looked at Alex one more time before going to bed. 

"What are you making me do Baby?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all liked this chapter (sorry I don't remember it being that short) the next one will be longer. It's always tough posting these because I don't want to spoil you guys by posting too often but I also don't want to disappoint y'all by not posting often enough (forgive me my schedule is really terrible this year, so I don't have much time to write). Let me know what you thought, and maybe what you think will happen next.


	4. 201 Created

Early September 

I'm really fucking starting to see shit again, I thought I saw someone dressed like Mr. Robot on my way to Layla's office today. Maybe it's just my anxiety playing tricks on me. As soon as I could, I set up an appointment with Layla, everything is in check, I have a clean bill of health so she gave me the go-ahead. A couple of weeks later I found a good donor since I began my search the next day after I called her. So now here we are, in an exam room waiting on the exam table for Layla to come in and start the procedure. Fuck... Am I rushing this? What do you think? All of a sudden I'm questioning my decision... Maybe I should take more time to consider this, or maybe I shouldn't be doing it at all. My thoughts are an absolute mess again; Hell, I can't even guarantee it's gonna be a girl. And what if Alex doesn't like the new baby once it's born. I've made the decision so quickly that now all of the negative arguments are jumping at my throat.

*SLAM*

I jumped startled by the noise.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to slam the door." Layla stood in front of me.

"So... We're doing this?" 

I nodded in response feeling the muscles in my throat tightening more. She walked over to a table to get some disposable gloves, laughing under her nose with her back turned to me.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, I just remembered something you said." She snickered again.

"What?"

"When you were in labor with Alex you said something along the lines - He better be worth it because I'm not doing this again - and now here we are. I just thought it was kinda funny."

I chuckled at the memory.

"I said - he better be good because he's not getting a sibling." 

I looked straight down at the floor.

"So why the change of heart? Was he a bad boy and now you need to try again?" 

We now both chuckled at her joke.

"I'm doing it because he deserves it. And if that's what he wants, then I'll do it for him." 

At that moment all of my doubts went away as if nothing else mattered. We got everything set up and I laid on the exam table naked from the waist down waiting for her to do her part. All I could think about during the procedure was; I'm really doing this, this is really happening, I'm crazy for doing this. Why would I willingly do it again? But then my mind went right back to that night Alex asked me; Why he doesn't have a sister. And everything seemed justified. Thankfully the whole thing only lasted a few minutes.

"Now, Elliot. Please take good care of yourself, and eat right. Right now we're going to count as if this were the last day of your period. So for the next two weeks, not much is gonna happen. You may experience some light bleeding but that's normal, get back to me in the next three to four weeks and by that point, we'll be able to tell if it all worked."

"Alright, will do." 

I stood up about to leave when she stopped me.

"Oh and, start taking prenatal vitamins." 

I nodded and left, this is gonna be a crazy next few months. I left Alex with Darlene at the apartment while I was out, I didn't tell her what I was doing. This may not even work on the first try so she doesn't need to know.

***

Early October

Just like Layla predicted nothing happened these past three weeks, I don't feel any different. I've been nauseous the past two days but I think I'm just stressed about the results, I can't wait anymore, I need to know if it worked. 

"Alex, Daddy has to go see the doctor. Do you want to come with Daddy?"

"Yeah!"

I didn't feel like leaving him at daycare today so I thought he could come with me. Whenever he goes somewhere with me it's an adventure for him. I dressed him and we went in the direction of the subway. We got into the right train and I sat down with him on my lap.

"Alex, Daddy is trying to give you a sister."

"Sister! yay!"

"Yes, but I can't promise that. What if I get you a little brother?"

He didn't answer me for a moment focusing more on the toy he was holding. Is he actually thinking this over?

"I still play." 

"You'd still play with your baby brother?" 

"A-ha." 

He nodded looking straight at me and then began the fit of giggles, attracting the attention of onlookers who just smiled at his antics. Good, at least it doesn't really matter what it'll be, he's fine with it. We made it all the way up to Layla's office and walked in, Alex right away ran into the room to explore. 

"Hi! Little man, you've grown so much since I saw you." 

Layla stood up from her chair and picked him up. 

"You're so big." She ruffled his hair.

Alex not recognizing her threw a fit so she let him go and he hid behind my leg. 

"Hey, it's okay Baby, you don't have to be scared."

I crouched down and grabbed his tiny two-year-old hands. 

"That's Doctor Layla, she takes care of Daddy, just like Dr. Berry takes care of you."

I took his jacket off, then I took him into my arms and stood up. He was still looking at her unsure but at least he won't hide again. 

"Haha, you were like that when we first met too. That's okay, we'll get to know each other, you should bring him more often. Now come on, let's see how you're doing."

I hung his jacket on the hanger and sat him down on a chair facing me so he could see what's going on, I took off my hoodie and jumped on the exam table. She brought over a blood pressure cuff and put it on my upper arm. Alex looked on, curious.

"So, how are you feeling, any symptoms, mood changes, cravings?" She pumped the cuff while talking.

"No, I don't think anything is different, that's what makes me think it didn't work. I'm tired but I'm taking care of a toddler so there is no excuse and I'm getting sick 'cuz I just can't wait for the results."

"You've been taking your vitamins?"

"Everyday."

She removed the cuff and grabbed a tongue depressor from a nearby table.

"Good. Say Aaah."

Laying it onto my tongue, she looked into my throat with a small flashlight which made Alex giggle. 

"It's very funny isn't it, you little monkey." I spoke with a playful tone and he giggled again. 

Layla took the stethoscope off her shoulders and motioned for him to come over. He looked a bit unsure. 

"It's okay Baby, come over." 

He slowly slid off the chair and walked over to Layla, she stood him up on the table next to me. He grabbed onto me looking at her with huge eyes.

"Do you want to listen to your Daddy's heart, Alex?" 

He slowly nodded.

"Here, these go in your ears." 

She handed him the top part and he put the ear tips in his ears, I lifted up my shirt and she pressed the metal part to my chest. After a couple of seconds, a big smile grew on his face. This reminds me of when we listened to his heart at one of my checkups; never thought he'd listen to mine one day. Layla moved the metal piece around and Alex was all the more intrigued. 

"Alright, it's my turn now."

She took back the earpiece, finished listening to my heart and put the stethoscope back behind her neck. She grabbed my hand and looked at it flipping it over and doing the same thing with my other hand. 

"What are you looking for?"

"Just checking for any swelling. Alright, step on the scale." 

I slid off the table and walked over to the scale, it's still the same old scale from my first checkup. 

"When are you gonna get a new scale?"

Layla stood in front of me moving the weights to their right positions.

"Oh shush, this one works perfectly fine. Now get back there, I'll draw your blood now." 

Before sitting back down I took Alex off the table and put him back in the chair while Layla got everything ready. 

"Give me your arm." 

I extended my arm with the crook of my elbow towards her, she tied a thick elastic band around my upper arm and wiped the skin on top of my vein clean. She grabbed the needle from the table and stuck it in my arm, I only felt a prick as the needle broke through my skin. Right as it went in I heard Alexander whimper. 

"Hey, It's okay Baby, look at me, Daddy's fine." 

In just a few seconds my blood flowed through a tiny tube coming off of the end of the needle and into a small vial, ending as soon as it began. She removed the needle from my arm and placed a bandaid over it. 

"Lucky you, I'll get this to the lab as soon as I can, you're getting the special treatment but the best I can do is a few hours."

"Yeah thanks, still beats waiting for days." 

I stood up, got Alex's jacket from the hanger and crouched in front of him. 

"Kish it." 

He held onto my arm. 

"You wanna kiss it better?

He nodded and went to kiss my elbow right on top of the bandaid.

"Thank you, Baby, I'm already feeling much better." 

I dressed him, put on my hoodie, said goodbye to Layla and we headed out.

*3 hours later*

I was just getting Alex out of the bath and drying him off with a towel when I heard my phone buzz from the dresser. I took him with me and let him play in my bed while I get the phone.

"Yeah?" 

"I'm calling with the results Elliot." 

Hearing these words, I kind of felt like the world slowed down around me, nausea coming up my throat. 

"And?"

"You, are now officially four weeks pregnant, congratulations."

What?! Just like that? No, no, no, it can't be... that was too easy, she's playing tricks on me.

"Are you-, are you sure? I-, this, can't be, no way. There must be a mistake."

"Elliot, relax, slow down, I'm one-hundred percent positive. What's happening to you? Did you change your mind?"

My thoughts are running a hundred miles an hour. 

"No, no, I'm just... in shock. I- didn't think it would work, this was too easy."

I chuckled nervously and just now noticed I was out of breath.

"Listen, you're a healthy individual, we picked a right time, everything just fell into place. You should be happy, some people, try as they might it never works."

"I am!" I still can't believe it. It's happening, it's happening, it's happening.

Neither of us spoke for a moment, taking in the information. 

"Elliot, everything is alright. Come into my office in two weeks and you'll have your first official checkup, is that okay?" 

"Yeah, thanks see you then."

Still, slightly in awe, I hung up. This is actually happening, Alex is gonna have a little sister. Alex... Right! Alex, I looked back down at my bed to see Alex fast asleep in my bed, naked. I had completely forgotten he was only wearing a towel. Feeling bad I tried not to wake him but still somehow put on his pajamas as gingerly as I could and left him to sleep on my mattress. This feels kind of surreal, I lied down next to Alex and lifted up my shirt focusing on the lower part of my stomach. My eyes are playing tricks on me again, it looks distended. It wasn't like that until I was about ten weeks along with Alex, strange. I'm probably just tired and excited at the same time, I'm not seeing things right, I better turn in too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be sure to let me know what you thought :)


	5. 100 Continue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not posting much, my schedule is out of whack. But in recompense I'm posting two chapters this time, so, hope I've redeemed myself.

October - 6 weeks 

Even though it's been a few weeks already, I don't want to tell Alex, this baby isn't a guarantee yet, something could happen and I don't want to raise his hopes up. I still wonder if that was the right decision... Maybe I should've waited a little longer, maybe it's just a phase of his and it'll pass in a few months. What if that happens, what do I do then? What if Alex doesn't like this new baby? God this is all kinds of wrong, I sure fucked up now. Turns out, the nausea I was feeling was the start of my morning sickness and not just stress since it hasn't actually gone away but intensified. Thankfully I haven't actually retched yet but it makes it much harder to take care of a kid when you're constantly feeling like you could puke at any moment. Somehow my pants are already getting too tight so much so I had to unbutton them today it was so uncomfortable, I don't remember having that problem the first time. I did take care of myself like shit when I was having Alex so that could be the difference; not my proudest moment. Another thing I've noticed that isn't really helpful is, my chest is all kinds of sore and Alex keeps putting his hands there when I hold him which sucks. I also wonder when should I tell Krista? I mean, I know I'll have to do it soon I just feel like it would be a strange thing to suddenly bring up, there really is no segue into this. 

***

"Krista... I'm pregnant." 

She looked at me with a blank stare and didn't say anything for a few seconds. Did I do something wrong? Maybe I shouldn't have told her yet? 

"...Oh, well, that's great Elliot. Congratulations. I can't say that I'm not surprised. What made you do it?" She snapped out of her trance, sometimes I think; Maybe she needs counseling too.

It's nearing the end of our session so I thought it was a good time to bring it up so that I won't have to go too much into it.

"Alex has made it very clear he wants a sibling so I thought now would be a good time."

"So you're doing it for him, his happiness means a lot to you; Doesn't it?" She tilted her head sideways. I nodded looking at the floor. 

"And how do you feel about having another baby?" 

"...I'm excited. I'm curious how things are going to be like." 

Time passed and soon enough the session ended without me having to explain too much, for now, I'll still be seeing Krista but I think there'll be a point where I'll need a break. I stood up, briefly looked out the window and there I saw Mr. Robot on the street propped up against a lamp post Staring right back at me. Dazed, I looked back at Krista and then back at the street but he wasn't there anymore. What the fuck is going on? Something's wrong.

"Is everything alright, Elliot?"

"...Yeah." 

Not wanting for Krista to get any more suspicious I walked out, into the street - the spot where Mr. Robot stood is completely vacant. Is he fucking playing with me, what was that? It couldn't have been, I must have just imagined it. Why would he be coming back? 

***

Shit. I just realized I'm already cramped with Alex in my old apartment with barely any space. How the fuck am I going to fit two kids in there? I can't afford a bigger apartment but I can't keep staying cooped up like that either... For some stupid reason, I feel like it would be easier if Shayla were still here, I miss her sometimes. I think of her more than I'd like to admit. She would have been a great mom for Alex, maybe we would have had a kid together... I finally had my first checkup yesterday, not much happened really. It was just a bunch of tests to see if I have any diseases. She explained to me why I seem to be showing already, apparently because this is my second pregnancy, the muscles in my stomach aren't as tight as they used to be. Add that to the fact that I'm actually taking better care of myself this time around and it all makes sense. 

"Daddy."

"Yes, Baby." 

I'm feeling unusually tired so I thought I'd be able to take a nap but he wants something every freaking five minutes.

"Hungry."

"You're hungry?"

I opened my eyes and he was there standing next to my mattress, holding the bottom hem of his pajamas. He nodded. I gave up trying to catch any sleep, stood up and went over to the fridge, I grabbed a banana and some blueberries to mash them together and make him a little fruit salad. I washed the blueberries and threw them in a bowl, as soon as I peeled the banana the smelled of it almost made me gag. Really nausea, now? I tried not to think of it but as I peeled the banana the smell just got stronger and stronger, my stomach churned and I ran to the bathroom as I couldn't keep it in. All I had managed to eat today came back with a vengeance, this morning sickness is really relentless. As I puked my guts out I heard Alex behind me with fear in his voice. 

"Daddy?"

Finally, it was the last of it, bile the only thing left in my throat. I took in deep breaths, my eyes closed, still hunched over the toilet seat just in case this wasn't the end. Since it seemed my body had calmed down I sat on the floor, completely spent. I DID NOT miss this... After a few moments, I opened my eyes to see Alex clinging onto the doorframe, hiding behind it. 

'Hey, it's okay Baby, Daddy's okay." 

I extended my arms out toward him still panting. Slowly he came out from behind the doorframe and into my arms. 

"What wrong?"

"Nothing Alex, Daddy is just a little sick." 

Feeling that my stomach hadn't quite settled, I put my hand over my mouth in fear anything would still try to make its grand entrance.

"Aleksh No want Daddy sick." He pouted.

"I know Baby, I don't want to be sick either but it's a good sign, trust me." 

He looked at me confused; How could sickness be a good sign?

"I can't tell you why yet, it's a secret but you'll know soon enough."

"A secret?"

"Yeah, a secret is something that you can't tell anyone."

"Tell me!" 

"Haha, no Alex I just said I can't. Give it a few weeks Baby, it won't be that long."

Slowly, gathering some strength I stood up and went to finish making his food, hopefully without puking this time.


	6. 207 Multi-Status

November - 10 weeks 

I'm having a hard time believing there's nothing wrong here, I wasn't this big until I was around four months along with Alex. It sort of feels like everything is stronger this time around, my nausea - I definitely don't remember being that sick last time, I can barely keep anything down and I'm much more tired too. And now there's this pain in my lower abdomen that hasn't let up for the past two days. Maybe I should mention it to Layla.

***

This time I left Alex at Daycare, I don't want to take him to an appointment until I tell him, he might not even understand or be interested in them anyway. 

"So, Elliot, you've been taking your vitamins?"

"I have but I'm puking so much I don't even know if they're doing anything at this point."

I sat down on the exam table with an exhausted sigh.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, I'm just so tired, I never expected it would be like this, it was never like that with Alex."

"Every pregnancy is different, Elliot, but I'm sure it'll get better in a few weeks." She was measuring my blood pressure.

"Hmm, your BP is a little high today. Something bothering you?" 

"No... I feel fine." 

"That's alright, get on the scale."

"I might've lost a couple pounds, this morning sickness is killing me." I stepped on the scale. 

"Alright, we'll see about that later, I can prescribe you some anti-nausea medication. You can lie down now." 

I took my shirt off and lied down on the table.

"Why didn't you bring Alex with you today? I wanted to see him."

"I-uh, I haven't told him yet." 

"Come on, are you trying to tell me, you think you could lose this baby? You had a successful previous pregnancy, you have a beautiful baby boy and you're doing everything to the letter this time around, you have nothing to worry about." 

"I don't know Layla, this was all just too easy, I keep waiting for something to backfire."

She started feeling around my stomach.

"So far the only thing that's backfiring are your symptoms."

"You tell me..."

She pulled out the tape measure to measure my stomach. She frowned. 

"What?" 

"Strange..., I wouldn't expect this measurement-, unless..."

She hastily walked all the way around the table to the ultrasound machine and turned it on. Right away I got anxious, I propped myself up on my elbows to see what she was doing. 

"Unless what? Can't you just tell me?"

"Lie down Elliot. Sorry, it's gonna be cold." 

She pushed me back to the table, put some gel on the transducer and began roaming around my lower abdomen. I couldn't see the screen, the dread was devouring me by the second. 

"Is something wrong with the baby?"

"No, no, everything's fine, it's just-"

She turned the screen my way so that I could see it; Two little bean-shaped creatures facing each other, against a black background. My fucking heart skipped a beat, what the fuck, this has to be a joke right?

"Elliot, you're having twins." 

I looked at her and back at the screen, she flipped a switch and a heartbeat began going about the room. She moved the wand to the side and another heartbeat slightly offbeat from the other took its place. I pushed her hand away and got off the table.

"Is this a fucking joke?!" 

The screen was now all black, not displaying anything.

"Elliot, please sit down."

"No, what the fuck was that Layla? Is this some prerecorded shit? You playing tricks on me?"

She got up and began walking towards me.

"No! I wouldn't even know how to do that. Elliot, calm down please."

I began backing up. 

"Don't touch me! I don't believe you, it can't be."

I was shaking my head walking backwards until I hit the wall, I have nowhere else to go. Layla kept getting closer and closer.

"It's gonna be okay."

I slid all the way down the wall and sat on the floor, some of the gel from my stomach got on my pants. I was completely shattered, tears began to well in my eyes. Layla crouched next to me. 

"What am I gonna do? I can't afford three kids..."

"It's gonna be okay Elliot, we'll figure things out."

She stayed there with me for a moment until the initial shock wore off.

"...Can you stand up?"

I nodded and she helped me up to my feet, I laid back down on the exam table and wiped the tears from my face, sniffling; Layla sat back in front of the machine. 

"Alright, I'm gonna turn it back on but, PLEASE don't freak out again, that was scary."

"Sorry."

She placed the transducer back on my belly and back was the image of the two fetuses up on the screen. I sniffled again and blinked a couple of times to get the tears out of my eyes. 

"Well, there's your culprits - they're the reason for everything you've been experiencing these past two months."

She pointed to the left side of the screen.

"We'll call this one 'Baby A' -" She moved her hand to the right side of the screen. "- and this one 'Baby B', is that okay?"

I nodded.

"Can we... listen to their heartbeats again?"

"Of course we can." 

She readjusted something and flipped the switch again.

"This is A's heartbeat."

I closed my eyes listening to it intently.

...

"And this is B's."

I could clearly tell she switched, the two are so different. I covered my face with both hands.

"You know I'm not proud of saying it but you can always give one up for adoption."

"No, I'm not gonna give either of them up for anything."

I sat back up and she handed me a napkin to wipe off my stomach.

"I'm happy to hear that."

She walked over to her desk and began writing in my chart. 

I wiped my stomach and threw the napkin away, that's crazy to think there's actually two in there. I kept one hand resting on my stomach, looking down at it.

"What an odd feeling..." 

"How so?" 

"I don't know, somehow knowing that's there's two instead of one, it changes everything."

I put my shirt back on and sat opposite her at her desk.

"On a more serious note Elliot, I have to assign you to another doctor." 

I have never seen her this dead serious in my life.

"What?! NO. Why?"

"I'm not happy about this either but this isn't my area of expertise Elliot. I don't specialize in twin pregnancies."

"No, you can't do this to me, Layla, you can't be all coy saying it's gonna be okay and then throw this at me. You know my stance on this, I want as few people to know about this and you've already been through this with me."

"Elliot, I really-" She sighed.

I could hear the regret and defeat in her voice at the same time.

"Please, Layla." I looked her right in the eye. "I need you to do this. I NEED you" 

She looked at me for several seconds without saying anything, I could almost see the gears turning inside her head. 

"...Alright, fine."

There was this look of defeat on her face.

"Thank you..."

"BUT, I can't promise anything, I'll try my best; I'm gonna have to study up because of you."

Now there was a sly smile back on her features. 

I left Layla's office with instructions to take even better care of myself and to tell Alex about the babies. Babies... I still can't believe there are two of them. In my endless train of thought, I wound up at Coney Island sitting on the same railing Mr. Robot had pushed me off of four years ago. For a split second the morbid thought of jumping run through my head, it would make things much easier; How the fuck am I supposed to take care of three kids? Maybe I could find some morphine at the apartment. What the fuck am I saying? I wanted this, I can't go back... What do you think I should do, friend? I wanted to do something good and ended up making things worse. I better get going, I need to get Alex from Daycare. The whole time during our way back I questioned if I should tell him; What is my next move? We walked into the building passing one of my neighbors on the way there, I put the key in the lock. As soon as I turned it and opened the door, I felt a strange atmosphere around me. The door fell open and Alex ran inside to play, I walked in and closed the door behind me. Mr. Robot was there, waiting for me at my desk, I walked up to him; It's been so long but he hasn't changed. He sat still at the desk looking straight ahead not even acknowledging my presence. 

"What ar-"

"What the fuck do you think you're doing Elliot?" He still hadn't moved.

"What am I doing? What are you doing? You think you can just show up like that?!" I shoved him but he only turned his head to look at me.

"What were you thinking? Are you out of your god damned mind?"

"What are you talking about?!"

He suddenly stood up making me stumble a couple steps backwards.

"I'm talking about you, Elliot! I'm talking about this!" He pointed at my stomach. 

"I'm talking about these two abominations that you're growing inside your body! What the fuck were you thinking? You have to get rid of them!"

What the fuck does he think he's doing? Does he really think he can just barge into my life again and demand things from me?

"THIS WAS MY CHOICE! You left, you have no say in the matter!"

"Oh, is that so? Son?"

"Shut the fuck up! You're only on my head."

Out of nowhere, he pulled out a little plastic bag full of morphine pills, similar to the one I tried to kill myself with.

"I could shove all of these down your throat and then we'll see if I have a say in the matter."

"Get the fuck away from me!"

Before I could do anything he grabbed my hoodie with two hands and shoved me into the wall.

"Listen to me motherfucker, -"

He was cut off by the sound of Alex crying his heart out, he looked back still holding me up to the wall.

"Now, see what you've done."

He kept holding me with force, rage fueling his strength, he looked down at my stomach again.

"DADDY!" Alex was still crying in the background.

"You bit off more than you could chew, Elliot. Don't do this." 

He let go of me and I fell to the ground, he walked over to Alex who was screaming his head off.

"DADDY!" 

"Hey, it's okay kiddo, I'm here, I'm gonna take care of ya." He took him up in his arms.

It's like Alex wasn't listening, none of what Mr. Robot said got to him he just kept crying and screaming for me. He was holding his arms out to me, trying to get away from Mr. Robots' grasp. 

"DADDY!" He kept on crying.

I couldn't get up, my body was heavy like something was holding me down, Mr. Robot put Alex back on the ground and walked out the door, closing them behind him. As soon as he left the heavy feeling was gone, I quickly ran to Alexander and hugged him, holding him in my arms to never let go. 

"It's okay Baby, Daddy's here, I'm right here." I was panting for some reason.

I pushed his hair back and gave him a kiss on the head, I sat with him on the ground embracing him for several minutes until both of us calmed down. What just happened? Why was Mr. Robot here? What is his problem with the twins? So many fucking questions, yet I have no answers. I wonder what Alex saw, I've never seen him this scared. Darlene warned me about this, Shit! I can't let that happen again.

***

Thankfully, Alex doesn't seem too shaken up by what happened yesterday, I hope he forgets about it completely in due time. I still don't understand what's Mr. Robot's problem though. I called Darlene to come by, I want to talk about it with her but I'm not sure how to bring it up. She walked in, this time at least knocking before opening the door for herself. I quickly stood up under the pretext of making her a cup of coffee, in all honesty, I just didn't want her to notice my bump, I put on a bigger shirt today it's not that obvious but nothing escapes Darlene. 

"How's my little Dumpling today?" 

First things first she occupied herself with Alex. Flipper ran to her for some pets as well.

"Dumpling?"

"What can't I have a nickname for him too?"

"Sure, fine I guess."

I was standing with my back to her, making coffee.

...

"Elliot, are you pregnant?" Her question was carried by a completely nonchalant tone of voice.

"What? No. Why?"

"Well, you're wearing the shirt I bought you when you were pregnant with Alex and you haven't worn it since so why are you wearing it now?"

"I just felt like wearing it. What? I can't? Are you the shirt police?"

"Then, why are there prenatal vitamins on your desk?" 

I really don't want to tell her yet, come on! Make something up.

"I'm not yet, Layla told me to take them, they help your body replenish nutrients before you're actually pregnant or something."

That's not a full lie but I hope that saying Layla made me do it will deter her.

"Yeah... guess that makes sense."

Crisis averted.

I turned around and handed her the cup of coffee, something was tickling me inside my nose and I sneezed causing me pain in my lower belly. I put pressure on the area which emphasized the round shape of my stomach, rendering all of my attempts to deceive Darlene, pointless.

"You are pregnant! Did you really think I would believe you? Why didn't you want to tell me?"

"Ahh, I wanted to wait for I little bit longer." I hissed still rubbing the aching spot. "Aw." 

"What's up with you anyway?" Oh, now she's concerned...

"I don't know, I forgot to ask Layla about it." I sat down massaging my stomach.

"How far along are you anyway? Looks like it's been a while."

"Have a guess." I scoffed lying back on the couch waiting for her answer.

She frowned.

"What? I don't know... 3 or 4 months?"

"Try ten weeks."

"What?! Are you growing The Hulk in there or something? Did you have too many cookies? Jeez."

I closed my eyes with an exhausted sigh, tired of her ramblings.

"Darlene..."

"What?"

"I'm having twins." I kept my eyes closed, the smell of her coffee had begun to make me nauseous.

"Oh, shit..."

She slumped down on the couch next to me, staring into nothingness.

"Wow, I'm not even the one pregnant I don't know what to do..."

"Can you drink your coffee already? It's making me sick."

"Uh, yeah, sorry."

She grabbed the mug and drank half of it.

"Did you tell Alex there's more than one?"

"I haven't even told him there IS one."

"Why would you keep that from him? Come on, you gotta tell him." 

She stood up and fetched him from the spot he was playing on the floor.

"I think Daddy has something to tell you, Alex."

He looked around completely uninterested.

"Hey Baby."

I grabbed his hands so he'd pay attention to me.

"Remember when Daddy got sick? I said it was a secret why it was good right?" 

He nodded, I rubbed his tiny hands with my thumbs. I still can't help thinking; What if he doesn't like it.

"The secret is, I know where your sister is." 

Right away his eyes lit up like lights on a Christmas tree.

"Sister! Where sister?"

I lifted up my t-shirt uncovering my bump and pointed at it with my finger.

"Right there."

Alex looked at Darlene and I confused. 

"Yeah Dumpling, your sister's in Daddy's belly, she'll be here in a few months but first, she has to grow in Daddy's stomach."

I guess Darlene's a little better at explaining this than me since this time around he seemed to have understood. He escaped out of Darlene's grasp and laid his head on my stomach which made me laugh.

"Haha, Baby you can't hear it yet, she's too small."

He lifted himself up with a grumpy face.

"But you know what's even better? There are two babies inside Daddy's belly, you might be getting two sisters... or a baby brother." 

This time he looked overjoyed, he looked at my stomach and put his hands on it. 

"Ba-by sis-ter."

He again laid on my stomach but this time to hug me, he kissed my stomach and with a happier attitude went back to play with his toys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's twins!!! There's no hiding anything from you guys, you guys are good. Let me know what you thought, I'm all ears.


	7. 405 Method Not Allowed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter guys, sorry for not posting much, school is awful right now and I don't have much time to write.

Late November - 12 weeks

I didn't tell Darlene about Mr. Robot, I couldn't bring myself too; at the same time he hasn't shown up since two weeks ago. 

In a weird way, after having Alex I'm not weirded out by my stomach anymore, especially since it's about twice as big as when I was having him. I'm definitely more comfortable with it, with touching it, oh and this dark line is back - not as dark as it was before but I can see it already. It didn't show up until I was about six months along with Alex, it's like everything is happening twice as fast with this pregnancy, it's kinda scary. I was at Krista's again today so I'm getting Alex from Daycare now. When I got there he was playing with this little girl again, his best friend. While I was waiting for him to be done and clean his toys up, one of the workers there came up to me.

"Hi, Mr. Alderson." 

"Hi." I gave the woman a meek smile, maybe that way she'll walk away.

"Alex is almost done, he'll be right with you. Oh, and congratulations by the way."

HUH?

"Congratulations on what?"

"The new baby, Alex has been going around all day telling everyone about his new sister. Although he seems to have things a little bit confused as he seems convinced you're the one having her." 

She laughed, oblivious to the situation, while I panicked - I didn't think he'd be going around telling every person he meets, shit. I felt as if my hoodie and t-shirt were now invisible and everyone passing me could see my stomach. The wait - now felt like ages. Finally, not long after, Alex came running my way, I crouched to his level. 

"Daddy!."

He hugged me tightly. 

"Hi, Baby." 

I kissed his forehead and stood up, while I looked on to find where his jacket was hanging I felt his little hands trying to lift up my hoodie and shirt.

"Hey, hey." I shushed. "What are you doing?"

"Sister." 

He looked at me with puppy dog eyes. 

"Not here Baby, now come on. Where's your jacket?" 

I took his hand and went over to the hangers, spotted his jacket and dressed him walking out the door as soon as possible, I didn't want to spend any more time in there. Once out of the building I stopped and crouched to talk with him. 

"Alex, you can't go around and tell people about your sister." 

"Why not?"

He looks so innocent... I took ahold of his hands rubbing them with my thumbs. 

"Because she's a secret. Remember what a secret is?" 

"No tell."

"Exactly Baby, that's why you can't tell anyone okay? Enough people know already." 

"Okay!"

Let's hope that'll stop him, I've had to come and get him almost puking my guts out so many times I don't want him to blow this now, let's be glad the women at Daycare think he's just slow on the uptake. The one thing he won't stop doing though - is lifting up my shirt. Ever since we told him what's going on he keeps wanting to see my stomach at least once a day. As smart as he may be - try telling an excited kid it's pointless, he'll keep doing it anyway. He's so excited about the whole thing, even though he says he doesn't mind a brother I feel like he'd be so disappointed if he didn't get a sister. There's a fifty-fifty chance, let's hope this works. We got to the apartment and Mr. Robot was there waiting by the door, I stopped not sure what he would do. Cautiously I walked past him and walked with Alex inside, Mr. Robot walking in after us. 

"Why are you not doing anything about this? I told you to get rid of them!"

At least this time he's a bit nicer... if that's what you could call it.

"What's your problem?"

"My problem? You're the one who has a problem. You're making a mistake."

"Go fuck yourself you're the reason why I have a kid in the first place. Now when it's MY decision I can't do it? What kind of fucked-up logic is that?"

He walked over to Alex covering his ears with his hands. Flipper who had previously been sleeping in her dog bed began barking.

"Leave the kid alone, he's got nothing to do with this. And, watch your language." 

What the fuck is this bipolar bullshit? Why is he so nice with Alex? He's always been good to him... uh... my head hurts.

"...Leave us alone." 

This time he stood close to me. 

"I'm telling you Elliot; Don't do this. You are going to regret this."

I looked him straight in the eye. 

"I am not, getting rid of them, now Leave me, Alone."

He looked back at me, for a moment I thought he was gonna attack me again, instead, he headed for the door.

"You're going to regret this Elliot trust me, you're making a mistake..."

With these last words, he walked out the door closing them behind him - the room started spinning and I suddenly felt so weak. I fell backwards, almost hitting my head against the coffee table. I looked at Alex who just stood there, scared, Fuck, I need to stop this. But how? 

"Baby come 'ere." 

I motioned to him to come over, but he didn't, he kept looking at me with huge eyes, he shook his head 'no'.

"It's okay Alex, come to Daddy."

Finally, he walked over, although I can't unsee the fact that he's not happy about it, I held him in my arms still sitting on the floor.

"What's wrong Baby?" 

...

"Scary Daddy..." he muttered.

"I'm scary?"

He nodded.

"I'm so sorry Baby, I didn't mean to scare ya, it won't happen again."

I hugged him tightly and kissed his head. We sat there on the floor for a while until I felt he wasn't as scared anymore. Fuck! What is this coming to? My own kid is afraid of me, it's Mr. Robots fault... if he comes here again I need to get away from Alex. I can't let this go on like this and he needs to forget about any of it. I don't know what to do.

***

I heard Darlene walk in just as I was spewing my guts out. I need to tell her this time, get straight to the point. I wish you could help me, friend.

"Elliot?" 

"...In here... uh..."

I sat against the wall, spent after another bout of nausea. Alex was in the bath playing with bubbles. I heard Darlene walk around the apartment and then she showed up in the bathroom door with a glass of water.

"Thanks."

She then went over to Alex.

"Go lie down, you look like-," she paused for a moment. "...crap. I'll finish bathing him."

Gladly... this day has sucked the life out of me and the morning sickness is not making this any easier either. I laid in bed clutching the bed covers - I feel like shit. After about ten minutes Darlene came out of the bathroom with Alex wrapped in a towel. 

"His pajamas are in the dresser."

I went over to the couch feeling a little bit better. She dressed him up and let him go play with his toys. 

"You need to get some food into you, man, I can see the hollows of your cheeks."

"I would if I could but I can't keep anything down." 

I sat deeper into the couch while she reached inside her backpack for something.

"Try this."

She handed me a can of ginger ale.

"Since when do you drink ginger ale?"

"I don't, it's for you, I figured maybe it'd help you."

She sat next to me keeping an eye on Alex; I opened the can and took a sip.

"How have you been doing aside from that?"

"Fine, I guess. Today, Alex told everyone at Daycare he's having a sister."

"Well it's not tragic he's excited." 

"Yeah, he also mentioned I'm having her."

I set the can down on the coffee table.

"You're kidding?" 

"No, the only thing that saved me is they think he's confused or something so they didn't take that part seriously."

"If only they knew..."

...

"Darlene I-"

...

"Yeah?"

"...Mr. Robot is back."

"What?! How?" 

She sat sideways to see me better.

"I don't know, he's been here twice already." 

"Elaborate would you. What does he want?"

"I don't know, he keeps wanting me to get rid of the twins. I don't-, I don't know what to do, it's scaring Alex. After what happened today he didn't want to come close to me."

Just thinking about it again I felt small tears creep up my eyes. Stupid hormones. Darlene rubbed my back with her hand and I took another sip of the ale feeling my stomach settle down a bit. I explained to her what happened the first time he was here and what happened today. Somehow I still can't figure out what he wants, after two years of absence he suddenly shows up for seemingly no reason. I'm afraid he might do something to hurt me... if I'm not doing anything about the twins. Is he gonna try something? 

"Do you want me to stay with you for a bit?" 

For some reason that sentence made me think back to when Darlene lived with me which put a small smile on my face.

"No, it's alright, I think we'll be fine."

Alexander came up to us on the couch rubbing his eyes; Means he sleepy, I have to get him to bed.

"Daddy bed." 

He spoke with a meek voice. 

"You wanna sleep in Daddy's bed?"

He nodded still rubbing his eyes. 

"Alright."

I picked him up and there it was again, this electric pain in my lower abdomen. I really need to ask Layla what's up with that. I hissed at the pain which made Alex look straight at me.

"Daddy hurt?" 

"Uh-huh." I nodded still flinching a little.

"I kish it better." 

He wrapped his arms tightly around my neck and kissed my cheek, hard, or at least as hard as a two-year-old can. I think that means he's not afraid of me anymore.


	8. 102 Processing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's another chapter because I'm feeling generous I guess, hope you guys like it.

December - 14 weeks 

It's been rumbling outside for the past two hours and it thunders sometimes too, so Alex has been cuddling with me, he's a little scared. Thankfully Flipper stopped barking at the window like a maniac whenever a lightning bolt strikes and is now peacefully sleeping in her dog bed. It's late, he was sleeping after I had given him a bath so I took a shower but he didn't sleep for long because the thunder woke him. I didn't want to put a shirt on to sleep, the fabric of my clothes has rubbed my nipples raw, this sucks. But of course, now Alex can do his new favorite thing which it cuddling up to my stomach. The bigger it gets the more interested or fascinated he gets, it's like he's marveled by it. My chest is getting fuller too, which has got to be the worst part of this whole ordeal. I'm gonna look like a freaking cow by the end of this... I've got an appointment tomorrow; I still wonder whether to take Alex with me or not. I do want him to be a part of this but I don't want to bore him with things he doesn't want to do. I guess the only way to find out is to actually take him with me. I'd like Alex to go back to sleep so I didn't try to distract him with games or anything, he's been lying in bed with me, delicately rubbing my stomach, it seems to quiet him down which is nice. 

"Sister..." 

He sounds so sleepy. 

"I want sister now." 

"She's not ready to come yet Baby, she's too small."

"Too small?" 

He looked at me with curious eyes. Whenever it's time for sister talk he's fully awake for that.

"Yeah, she's a tiny little baby right now, she still has to grow. When she's ready to come, Daddy's belly is gonna be this big." 

I roughly made a half-circle shape in front of me matching the size of my stomach when I had him. Which in turn made me realize how strange that was, little by little things are coming back to me of how it was the first time around.

"And you'll be able to feel her move too, just like you did." 

"Me?"

His voice turned really high pitched he was so surprised. 

"Yeah..." I guess I'm going there. 

"You're were in Daddy's belly too at some point, just like your sister. I could feel you moving under my skin."

"Woah..."

Exactly my thoughts too Baby, that was a crazy time in my life.

Just as I thought the weather was getting a bit better, the loudest thunder of the night struck and Alex hid under the covers clinging onto me.

"It's okay Baby it's just thunder, look at Flipper - she doesn't care. What was Flipper doing earlier? What does the dog say, Alex?" 

"Woof-woof." He spoke from under the covers.

"And what does a cat say?" 

He crawled out from under them.

"Meow." 

"That's right, and what does the rooster say?" 

"Cookuricoo!" 

That one definitely cheered him up, he always does it in the most ostentatious way possible.

"What does the wolf say?" 

"Awooo!."

"That's right." I ruffled his hair. 

"What color is your hair Alex?" 

"Um...? Black!" 

"And what color are your pajamas?"

"Blue." He answered giggling as I tickled him. 

"And what color are my eyes, huh?" 

He looked at me for a moment. 

"Red." 

"No silly, they're blue too."

"Red, face red." 

He reached for my face with his hand touching my top lip and then showed me a bloodied hand. 

"Jesus." 

I quickly touched my face to discover my nose it bleeding, damn it. I took Alex with me to the bathroom and washed his hand clean. He sure fucking scared me there for a moment. With him clean, my nose all sorted out and the now calm weather outside, I decided it was definitely time to go to sleep.

***

What the hell? My hoodie is already getting a bit snug, looks like I got about a month or two before I won't be able to zip it up. I hate when that happens. I hope I won't have to buy bigger clothes than the ones I already have, for some reason, I never threw them out after I had Alex. I haven't worn them since, yet they stayed at the bottom of my dresser, I didn't really want to throw them out, did I? I've already had to reach for a pair of sweats I wore at five months when I had Alex, considering there are two babies in there now, it's kind of making me think the ones I already have won't be enough. Why does everything have to be so complicated? It wasn't supposed to be like this... Nevermind, I have to get going. 

"Baby, do you remember Dr. Layla? The lady that takes care of Daddy."

He looked at me a bit apprehensive but still nodded regardless. 

"Well, Dr. Layla is also taking care of your sister for now. I have to go see her today, make sure your sister is okay. Do you wanna come with Daddy?" 

"Yeah!!"

Right away his eyes lit up, he'll do anything if I mention 'his sister'. I feel like that's kinda cheating him though. Am I cheating? Do you think? Oh well, maybe at least that way he'll get more comfortable with Layla over time. Nevertheless, I helped him put his jacket on and we headed out. Come to think of it, the subway is not gonna be my best mode of transportation soon. I don't want to deal with the car rides again... I always hated them. Getting into the car was a freaking nightmare and having to endure the drivers' stares was the worst, the tense atmosphere in the car didn't help either. Whatever... for now subway will have to do. We made it all the way to Layla's office, I opened the door and Alex walked in, this time not running like crazy. He saw Layla sitting at her desk and didn't go too much further. 

"Hi, Little man!"

Is everyone just making up nicknames for him now? What's going on? Layla got up from behind her desk, crouched in front of him and from behind her back appeared a strawberry lollipop. She kind of looked at me in the corner of her eye asking my permission. Granted. Like any other kid he, of course, liked the gift very much. 

"What do we say when someone gives you a present, Baby?" 

"Thank you..." 

He walked off trying to open the wrapping; Layla stood back up. 

"Are you trying to endear yourself to him?" 

"And what if I am? You've got two on the way, you won't miss him." 

She jokingly shrugged and walked over to Alex to help him open the lollipop.

"Hey! Don't say that." 

"Relax, you know I'm joking. I know you wouldn't give him up for the world - I saw it all unfold in front of me. I don't think I'll ever forget your first prenatal visit." 

She laughed while I took Alex's jacket off and set him up on a chair. 

"The strangest thing in my life was when your sister called me up asking for a favor, you should've seen my face when she said she wanted to set up an appointment for her brother."

"It's not like this wasn't weird for me either. Even though I went through it once already I feel like this one is gonna have its own strange moments."

"Yep, alright, get your butt on that scale." 

I took my hoodie off threw it on the hanger and got up on the scale. 

"158 pounds, that's a good weight, great. How's your morning sickness actually?"

I got off the scale and sat down on the exam table. 

"Still pretty bad but I manage."

Like always she checked the usual - BP, heartbeat and all that. I took my shirt off for the ultrasound and right away Alex wanted to be with me for this part. Layla helped him up on the table and he sat on my thighs.

"Before I forget, I keep getting this pain in the underside of my stomach when I sneeze or cough or sometimes it just hurts for no reason." 

"Let' see..."

She began doing her routine examination, pressing on my stomach in various places, this time however focusing more on two spots near my hips. 

"Does it... hurt... right, There?"

"Aw! YES." I frowned at the discomfort her touch had caused.

"It's round ligament pain, it's normal." 

"How come it hurts me now and not the first time?"

She kept on feeling around my midsection. 

"Your uterus is expanding much faster this time, so they're stretching over time. If your back and pelvis are misaligned, it can trigger it too." 

I guess after two falls from a great height I can consider that an option.

"You can use a heating pad for the pain but I'd recommend you get a Maternity belt, it's gonna be better for you in the long run. Alright, let's have a look at these little guys."

She walked all the way over to the machine and turned it on.

"You'll be pleasantly surprised, this time the gel isn't gonna be cold, I warmed it up."

"Hah, thanks..." 

I began moving my legs up and down a bit to entertain Alex. 

"You wanna see your siblings, Baby?" 

He nodded. 

Layla placed the transducer on my stomach and began looking for the right spot. In all honesty, the warmth actually feels quite nice. The image on the screen shifted and turned until finally, it cleared up. It's still so strange to see two instead of one, I feel like I'm looking at someone else's ultrasound. 

"Hey Baby, look at the screen." I pointed towards it with my finger. 

"Do you see that? That's your baby brothers or sisters. That's what they look like inside Daddy's belly, you were like that too."

Not the first time he's seen an image like that since he's seen the one hanging on the fridge so many times but I don't think I've ever told him that it's a picture of him.

"Remember the picture on the fridge? That's a picture of you in Daddy's belly." 

In a fascinating turn of events he actually kind of seems intrigued by all of this, he's definitely enthralled by the screen that's for sure. Layla moved the wand a little bit, changing the angle. 

"Check this out, watch the screen..."

She pushed on my stomach with her other hand and the babies on the  
the screen moved, annoyed by the disturbance.

"Wooah... Me too." 

From his position, Alex leaned a bit forward and mimicked what Layla had just done and they moved again. 

"Alright, alright, It's not nice to bother them like that."

This time she flipped a switch and one of the heartbeats came through the speakers. Alex jumped a little surprised but was still very fascinated by it. She moved the wand and the heartbeat changed, they're still offbeat from one another. 

"Enough fooling around, let's get to the more technical side of things now."

She roamed about my abdomen focusing on what the screen displayed. 

"So you can definitely see, they share a sac and I can't really see another placenta though so it looks like they share the one. They're identical and judging from the single placenta they must've split very late which would explain why your HCG levels didn't indicate multiples."

I took a second to understand what she said. 

"So it's either one or the other? Boy or Girl?" 

"Yep."

"What are we gonna do Baby? Dealing with two little girls? Or boys."

"Play!"

Of course, we are. 

"I have to warn you though Elliot since they're monoamniotic and monochorionic this is a pretty high-risk pregnancy. On average these kinds of twins are born around 32 to 33 weeks gestation." 

Well, that's not good news.

"Isn't that like way too early; What's the survival rate?" 

"Trust me, you can breathe easy, this isn't the middle ages anymore, with the technology that we have it's not that big a deal, they would only have to stay in the NICU for a couple of weeks."

"That's still not that good..." I muttered under my breath looking at the monitor beside me.

***

When we left Layla's office I still had a slightly bitter taste about what she said. It just anguishes me more and more. What if something goes wrong? They will have little chance to survive... I'll have to give birth at the hospital this time... it scares me, everything about this scares me. And even if they'll be fine, I don't want to see them in glass cases with tubes and wires strapped all over them. I have to change the subject or I'm gonna start crying, public transport is not the place for that. 

"Excuse me young man is this seat taken?" 

I was suddenly brought out of my thoughts by an old woman standing in front of me, pointing at the seat to my left which was clearly empty. I just shrugged and let her sit down. Alex was sitting on my knees and since he's very social in contrary to me... He started chatting her up.

"Oh, aren't you a sweet little thing." 

I could now hear a characteristic accent in her voice - maybe Irish? Honestly, I'm surprised she didn't get bored with his repetitive ramblings. She kept up the conversation with him until she out of the blue spoke to me.

"You live at 217 East Broadway don't you?"

I didn't answer just kind of looked at her in the corner of my eye. How does she know that?

"Pardon my inquisitiveness, that was rude of me - I didn't even introduce myself. I'm Nancy Moore, I'm your neighbor, I live in apartment 4F, we've passed each other in the hallways many times but it seems you haven't noticed." 

I don't know what the people who live in my building look like, I keep my head down whenever I'm in the hallways so I've never seen their face, the only other person I knew that lived there was Shayla. 

This time she leaned a bit closer.

"I've noticed your predicament, you know?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"I may be old but I'm not stupid and as crazy as it sounds, I can't deny what's in front of me." 

"What are you talking about?"

Her voice got very quiet, almost a whisper. 

"At first it didn't make sense to me. How could a man have a child? But when I put the pieces together, it all kind of fell into place. When you stopped coming out of your apartment was the first clue, and then I noticed a Doctor began coming over regularly, which, I have to admit made me worry about you. We may have never spoken but you seem to be such a nice young man."

As the realization dawned on me I felt uncomfortable. What am I supposed to do now?

"And then one day I heard some commotion in the hallway, so I looked through the peephole and saw you walking back to your apartment - this big belly in front of you. Now, I didn't really think much of it at first and only got more worried for you. You looked like you were in pretty bad shape but after I few hours had passed and a few sounds of struggle came through the walls, early in the morning I heard the cries of an infant. Which I believe to be this little fella." 

She gave Alex a big smile and he laughed.

"Now it seems it's happening again." 

She looked at me like none of this was weird at all, I just looked back at her for the first time - mortified.

"Don't worry I won't tell a soul."

She smiled at me and stood up, leaving the car, which made me realize it was my stop too. I quickly grabbed Alex and run out after her. 

"Wait!"

She stopped but resumed her walk as soon as I had caught up to her.

"How? How do you know?" 

"Well, I haven't seen much of you in the hallways lately, and this woman has been coming over more often. I believe she lived with you the first time this happened, I've had the chance of passing her many times."

Darlene... Fuck, if she noticed what if others did as well? 

"I'm again sorry for intruding on you like that, it's probably very personal since you're trying to keep it a secret. I haven't got anyone, nobody visits me anymore so I like to people watch and so far you've been the most interesting person I've noticed. Now, don't worry I don't think anyone else has caught on, you're pretty good at hiding it, and I haven't heard any talks of you among our neighbors."

If that's any consolation... We were now at the bottom of the apartment building stairs, I let Alex go so he'd get to the door before I do. 

"Is this not weird to you? You don't think I'm some sort of weirdo, inbred freak? I mean, you just admitted you know I carried my own son and, I'm gonna have another child. Does this not disturb you?" 

She stopped, took ahold of one of my hands and looked me straight in the eye. 

"I'm not one to judge, I don't know how it's possible but I do believe everything happens for a reason, that's how The Lord intended it to be. You're doing no harm, all I see is this beautiful little boy, and you're doing a splendid job at raising him, so I can't possibly imagine any wrong coming from this." 

She squeezed my hand one last time, gave me a smile and turned away to her door - I walked over to mine, unlocking it. 

"Oh, and what's your name?"

I looked back, silent, maybe one stranger knowing isn't the end of the world, she seems nice, I hope this won't be a disappointment.

"Elliot."


	9. 422 Unprocessable Entity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter for y'all, I know I haven't posted in a long while and that is because that world is crazy right now, but I am at the end of writing the fic (maybe 2 or 3 more chapters) and then I'll be able to post the full thing here. In the meantime enjoy a longer than average chapter and let me know what you think in the comments. Stay safe.

Mid-January - 20 weeks

I can't keep going to Krista's anymore. With the way my stomach has become, it's becoming a problem. While so far all the weight seemed to have focused on the lower part of my stomach it has now really rounded out up to my sternum, it's like a shallow salad bowl and it really stands out with my hoodie zipped up, the fabric stretching. It makes her stare... that makes me uncomfortable, I can't keep going there if all Krista is gonna do is stare at my protruding stomach for an hour. I haven't told her yet, but I will next time. The twins so far are doing fine, on my last visit, Layla said she'll be able to tell the sex on my next appointment so I'm looking forward to that, this waiting game is driving me crazy. I'd rather know now whether it'll be boys or girls and not have to worry if Alex will be okay with it. I've also figured out the accommodation issue, temporarily, at least. I persuaded my landlord to let me rent out Shayla's old apartment for half the price. Ever since news broke out about her death, the people who would move in and found out she lived there would quickly move out. No one wants to live in a dead girl's apartment... so it's been completely vacant since last year. It's always better to have at least some profit of the place no matter who pays for it. I told him I'd be needing the place soon and he just couldn't tell me no, he always liked me, he's a good guy. So I guess until I don't figure something better out, that'll have to do. When I first walked back in there after so long, I could still feel her, this place will always remind me of her. Even though I had the key this whole time I stopped coming in about a year after she died - it hurt too much. She'd still be here if not for me... 

***

I can feel them move. It's been so long since I felt that... I could feel little flutters the past few weeks but they're really defined movements now. Sometimes I can even feel two separate movements at the same time but in two different spots, it feels so strange. It's been twenty weeks already. It's crazy to think it's already halfway through, it feels like it's just getting started. Yet it already feels so different from when I had Alex. Sometimes I wish my morning sickness had stayed the same, ugh... The last time they stopped sometime after the third month, whereas now they're dragging into the fifth, what a pain in the ass. I've been feeling even more like shit lately. I don't remember it being that bad, I'm lethargic and pale, it feels like they're sucking the life out of me. And I can't stop thinking about Mr. Robot - What does he want? He hasn't shown up since the last time, which is weird. Why threaten me like this and then seemingly leave me alone, but I'm not complaining, I don't want Alex to get any more scared of me. Things have gone back to normal, as normal as they can be at least. Darlene just came back with Alexander from their afternoon walk with Flipper, the weather is nice outside even for January so I asked her to go play with him for a bit. It pains me but I can't go out with him anymore - the stares from people, I can't stand them, and it's only going to get worse. 

"DADDY!" 

Alex came rushing into the apartment. I took him up, struggling to pick him up with the already pre-existing weight on my front.

"Don't strain yourself, Elliot."

"What do you want me to do? I can't tell him no."

She gathered her things to leave.

"Just be careful, you look like death warmed up." 

I watched as she headed for the door and reached out to grab the knob, she stopped when she heard me speak up. 

"Thanks." 

She looked back one more time before she went out the door.

"Yeah, no problem."

As I was taking off his hat, jacket and shoes I remembered he had gloves on before they left. I quickly stood up from my crouched position swaying a little when I got to my feet, I snatched my phone of the table intending on calling Darlene to see if she knew what happened to his gloves. It's so hot, they must've turned up the heating. Sweating, I selected her number from the list. God, I'm so tired... The phone rang and rang, it feels like it's been ringing for ages. I steadied myself by the counter - I feel like I'm about to pass out. It rung again and this time I heard her pick up but, it didn't sound right, it sounded like the phone was miles away from my ear. Suddenly I felt myself fall to the ground, very slowly, it felt like hours had passed before my head finally hit the floor, I dropped the phone on impact and could hear the dog barking and Alex's screams of despair like he was so far away. As I felt myself drift away I heard Darlene's small voice through the speaker, frantically calling my name.

***

I woke up at the cinema, popcorn in my lap, my stomach flat - Alex was there beside me and Mr. Robot was next to him on the opposite side. 'Back to the Future II' just started up on the screen. 

"What's going on?"

"Quiet Elliot, the movie's on." 

I looked around, there was no-one else in the theater, just us. I laid a hand on my stomach; What's happening? Why aren't the twins here? Alex grabbed a huge fistful out of the popcorn bucket that was in my lap, M&M's peppered throughout. I looked up at the screen, Marty was putting on his futuristic Nikes. Puzzled, I shoved the popcorn bucket into Mr. Robots' hands, I grabbed Alex by the wrist and walked in the direction of the exit but he wouldn't budge. He was transfixed on the screen shoveling mouthfuls of popcorn in his mouth, I looked inside the bucket again and this time instead of M&M's there were morphine pills littered inside it. I picked him up, holding him tight. 

"Tell me what the fuck is going on!"

Mr. Robot just set the popcorn aside and stood up, Alex was trying to push himself free, off of me. 

"Elliot, just sit down and enjoy the movie with us." 

I finally let Alex go and he quickly clung to Mr. Robots' leg, hiding, while he caressed his head. 

"Who is that Daddy?" 

"A friend, don't you remember? You invited him to come with us."

The Fuck?! Did he just call him daddy?

"Baby, It's me. It's Daddy. What's gotten into you?"

I reached out for him but he only hid further behind Mr. Robot.

"You're not my daddy." 

"What did you do to my son?!" 

I shoved him hard, he fell back into one of the seats.

"Baby..." Tears began to prick at my eyes. "It's me, It's Daddy. Don't you remember? Come with me, we're going home. You can cuddle up to your sister..."

He just looked at me as if I had grown three heads. Mr. Robot sat up in his seat.

"What are you talking about Alex is mine, and you're not having any kids, trust me it's better that way. Come on kiddo, we're going." 

He stood up grabbed Alex by the hand and began walking away.

Suddenly the theater screen blacked out and quickly cut to a vision from my point of view on the floor, of Nancy, by my side and Darlene on the phone while Alex cried in the background. As soon as it appeared it was gone and the movie came on again.

"What have you done to me?! You can't take him away from me!"

He stopped and turned around.

"You're life will be better without these two inconveniences, trust me. And I can't possibly take away something that was never yours."

"He is my son, I gave birth to him! You were there!" 

"You were just a mere vessel... It was I who got raped! It was me who the bastard fucked senseless just so you didn't have to endure any of it! I was the one screaming in vain as people looked on doing nothing! He is rightfully mine." 

The words clawed at my heart like torture. The movie went black again and a rapid thumping began to reverberate around the room, the unmistakable sound of two heartbeats, the twins... A moment later the movie was back again; Marty was now buying the Almanac. 

"What's going on? Why can I not feel them?" 

My hand was resting on my stomach longing for that now familiar feeling of the babies moving under my skin. 

"I've told you they're a mistake, nothing good can come of them. You should've never done this Elliot, you'll regret it. Just wait and see." 

The movie turned off and all the lights went out as I faded away.

***

Gradually, I felt my senses coming back, I could tell I was now apparently lying in bed, a mass next to me was holding me tight. I opened my eyes to see Alex holding onto me with all his might. I caressed his head and he looked up groggily, his face beaming with happiness as soon as he saw me.

"Daddy!" We hugged.

As soon as he uttered the word more figures began walking towards us. 

"Elliot, you're awake."

Darlene sat at the edge of the bed, Layla came closer to see if I'm alright. She shone a small flashlight right into my eyes holding my eyelid open, I stopped her with my free hand.

"Don't. I'm fine." 

"You're not fine Elliot, you passed out." Darlene protested.

My head pounded at the increased volume, I rubbed at my eyes noticing another person in the room. Nancy was sitting with Flipper on her lap off to the side, worry etched in her features. I looked down to see my belly, round like before. I slipped my hand under the fabric of my shirt and felt the taut, warm skin with my palm, relishing in the comfort of their presence. 

"What happened?" 

Both Darlene and Layla looked to Nancy for an explanation. 

"Um... Well. All I know is out of nowhere I heard your little boy screaming his head off. I thought that can't be good so I came and knocked on your door to see if I could help but there was no answer, and then your sister arrived and opened the door. That's when we saw you lifeless on the floor. You gave us quite a fright, young man." 

She looked at me with this look full of love and compassion. 

"DON'T ever do that again! Do you know how awful it is to pick up the phone to a crying toddler and you not answering on the other side?! Thank god I hadn't gone that far. Something could have happened."

She held onto my hand on her last sentence. 

"Yeah, next time I pass out I know who to call."

"This isn't a joke Elliot." 

"But I'm fine now." I looked at Layla. 

"You may be fine now, but there's no telling if it'll happen again, I want you to come to the hospital with me, I'd like to run some tests and see if the twins are all right." 

"Twins!" Nancy's voice suddenly piped up.

"You didn't say you were having twins. Oh, come 'ere, dear." 

She got up from her chair and came to hug me all the while Darlene and Layla laughed at my miserable face.

"Tests? What for?" I was finally able to speak once Nancy had let go of me. 

"I think you have anemia Elliot, I have to run a couple of blood tests to be sure though and we don't know how long this has been going on so I'd like to perform a routine examination just to see if everything is okay." 

"...Alright."

To my surprise, Layla had her own car, so Darlene and I got inside heading for the hospital. Alex stayed at the apartment with Nancy to take care of him, I don't want to stress him anymore today. At Layla's, she did the tests which confirmed her suspicions, diagnosing me with Acute Iron Deficiency. 

"I'll prescribe you some Iron supplement to take along with your vitamins, Darlene will get them for you." 

Great... Even more, pills to take, fucking hell. 

To no one's surprise, seeing as I really felt like shit the past couple of weeks, I haven't gained the weight I was supposed to this month. My BP is low yet somehow I feel like my heart could jump out of my chest. 

"Are they okay? Did I hurt them?" 

Layla took ahold of my hand. 

"No Elliot, you didn't do anything. If anything is wrong it's not your fault you couldn't have known."

She focused her gaze back on the monitor; The two bean-shaped shadows looking no different to me. They do look more like little babies though... that hurts, to think I could have hurt them. She moved the transducer around, the wand swirling the small hair below my navel. 

"The placenta is in the right place and both babies look to be just fine, it doesn't look like they were affected, there's a chance it didn't last that long."

She gave me a meek smile.

"Now, I know I said we could check the gender on the next appointment but since we're already here would you like to know now?"

"You can tell already?" I glint of excitement shone in my eyes.

"If they'd like to cooperate, then yes."

I nodded my head giving her the green light. She turned her eyes back to the screen focusing hard, trying to decipher the image displayed by the machine. I could feel them move in protest to the pressure caused by her hand. At one moment I looked at Layla's face, her happy demeanor seemed to die down and her face became puzzled. A frown appeared on her brow and her eyes were full of confusion and concern. 

"What? What is it?" 

She blinked a couple of times out of her stupor, looked at me and then back at the screen.

"Nothing. It's just..." 

"What is it, Layla?" 

Darlene finally spoke up having been quiet this whole time.

"I-uh, Well... As you can see." 

She pointed with her finger at the screen, showing us where to look. 

"Baby A has a perfectly well-developed set of female genitalia but-" 

She adjusted the machine, again showing us where to look.

"Baby B seems to be developing a set of male gonads..." 

The realization dawned on me, my mind closing itself off. Darlene was sat next to me completely oblivious to the situation. 

"Well, you're having a boy and a girl, what's so wrong?"

Layla looked at her but didn't say anything; The gears slowly turned inside Darlene's head, she looked at me for an answer but I didn't want to make eye contact with her. Seconds passed drawing out like days. This can't be fucking happening... no, please. I could feel tears beginning to prick at my eyes. 

"Darlene..." 

She held my hand, understanding the gravity of the circumstance, waiting for me to tell her the truth. 

"They're identical. They can't possibly be of different genders."

She didn't say anything, just held onto my hand, understanding in her eyes.

"I don't know how this could be possible, I must've made a mistake, I'm so sorry Elliot, I shouldn't have distraught you like this, I'll check again." 

Layla was rambling.

"No." I grabbed her by the wrist, stopping her in her tracks. 

Again my mind wandered away from me, leaving me in a trance to think everything through.

"Alright... If... you'd let me, Elliot. I'd like to run a test, to see their chromosomal makeup, see what's causing this."

As if on autopilot, I nodded. 

I could feel Darlene's grip getting tighter. 

"It'll be alright Elliot, you'll see." 

"HOW CAN IT FUCKING BE ALRIGHT? ONE OF THEM IS LIKE ME!"

I began sobbing. 

"IT'S MY FAULT! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! ONE OF THEM IS A FUCKING MONSTER! Just like me..." 

How could I have been this fucking naive? I didn't even consider that a possibility, it had never crossed my mind. Not even when I was having Alex...

"...Now I've ruined this kids life forever." 

"Hey! Don't say that! Elliot, You Are Not a Monster and you didn't ruin anything, for anyone. You're having two beautiful little babies and it doesn't matter what they are. I know you love them no matter what and they'll do the same." 

I just sat there completely empty, soaking all the information today has brought. Wordlessly, I wiped my stomach with a paper towel and pulled my shirt back down. I hadn't looked either woman in the eye. 

"This test; What is it?" 

"An amniocentesis, I'll take a sample of your amniotic fluid from which I can extract their DNA. I'll give you some time to think about it. If you're up to it-"

"When?"

"...When what?" 

"When do you want to do it." 

I was once again running on autopilot, my gaze hasn't even moved an inch since the news. Layla was speechless, her mouth gaping like a fish.

"If you could come in tomorrow that'd be great." 

Without a word I got off the table, grabbed my hoodie off the hanger and headed out the door. Soon I heard Darlene's footsteps rush after me, she got us a cab and we went back home, I didn't utter a single word the whole way there. We stopped at Nancy's door, to check on Alex.

"Ah, you're back, finally." 

Alexander rushed out the door and hugged me, I didn't hug back. All I could manage was to place my hand on his head, I didn't dare look at him, I couldn't. 

"Nancy, would you mind taking care of Alex for the night? Elliot's just received some bad news, I think it'd be good for him to think it over, alone for a while." 

Nancy stood with Alex in front of her trying to hold him still. 

"Oh, dear. I'm sorry to hear that, I hope it's not about the twins, is it? Of course, I'll take care of him."

"No, it's not, the twins are perfectly fine. Thanks." 

With that, we headed for my door, hearing one last little "Daddy..." before closing them behind us. 

***

I didn't sleep all night, I couldn't. Not with them squirming under my skin the whole time, I couldn't stop thinking about them. If only I would've known... I would have never done it. I can't even touch my own stomach without being repulsed by it. 

"I told you so. But you wouldn't listen to me."

Mr. Robot sat by my desk, Darlene was still sleeping on the couch, she had insisted on staying the night with me, saying I'd probably do something to myself if she didn't watch over me. To be honest she can't be far from the truth. If she weren't here I'm not sure what I'd would have done...

"I told you, you were making a mistake. I told you to get rid of them." 

"And I told you I wouldn't."

He was just making me angry by the second. 

"And why wouldn't you? You sure as hell have a fucking reason to now."

"What?!" 

"You said it yourself, it's a monster, you despise him... You're not gonna raise that thing are you? And if you don't get rid of it now then you better give it up for adoption." 

His words stung because they were my own, but they're not true. 

"He's not the monster... I am. I don't hate him. I hate myself and what I've made him become... This is all my fault and he's gonna have to suffer through it." 

"Elliot?" Mr. Robot vanished.

Darlene's voice pierced the cold morning air. I looked at her realizing she heard all I just said. My eyes wet, from having not slept the night. Or is it from crying? I once again felt the movement under my skin and couldn't take it anymore, I burst into tears. Bawling my eyes out from all the emotions I brewed all through the night. Darlene came over and hugged me, I held onto her with all my strength not wanting to let go, the tears from my eyes soaking through her shirt. 

"It's okay." She slowly rubbed circles on my back. 

"I can't Darlene, I can't do it, I can't raise a kid like that, I can't even look Alex in the eye for what I've done." 

"You did nothing Elliot and Alex doesn't think of you any different. It just happened, you couldn't have known this would happen, you can't change how things are. I'll help you, Elliot, WE will help you. You don't have to do this alone."

All of a sudden there was a non-stop banging at the door. Darlene went to open it and in, flew Alex as fast as he could, jumping up on my mattress and hugging me tightly.

"I miss, Daddy." 

Tears fell down my cheeks. Why would he miss me? I've been such a shit dad. He quit hugging me and saw the state of my face. He wiped at my tears with his little chubby fingers. 

"Why sad Daddy?" 

The sparkle in his eyes seemed dull. I held onto his head with both of my hands on his cheeks. 

"I'm not sad Baby, I'm happy... I'm happy that you're here because I Love You." 

I kissed his forehead as more tears fell down my face. 

***

Later that day Darlene reminded me of the appointment with Layla, that I had completely forgotten about in my dazed state. I'm not even sure I realized what I agreed to yesterday. Once we got there we walked in the room, tools laid out on the table. Moments later Layla walked in. 

"You sure you want to go through with this?" 

Darlene asked noticing my faltering expression. I nodded. We got set up and Layla explained what will be happening. 

"Usually I'd be doing this with assistance, but seeing as this is a matter of discretion I don't think it's anything Darlene can't help me with."

Layla smiled and Darlene looked surprised not ever expecting to be helping a medical procedure. 

Both of them put some disposable gloves on and Layla got to work. After I lifted my shirt up, she pressed the transducer to my stomach looking for a free space between the babies. 

"Darlene, take the soap and a cotton pad and clean the skin under his navel, please."

Darlene did as asked, using what was provided on the previously prepared table, both her and I felt the awkwardness of that moment.

"Alright, that looks like a good spot... Open up that needle and hand it to me, please." 

She handed it over and I saw this huge four-inch needle about one-eighth of an inch thick. I gulped at its sight. 

"You sure this is safe, Layla?"

"Relax Elliot, hundreds of women get this procedure done every day. If there were any risks I wouldn't have asked, trust me. Alright, you're gonna feel a little prick and maybe a cramp but that's it. You ready?"

"Yeah..." 

With my permission, she took the needle and pressed it into my skin still holding the wand with her other hand, I felt it enter as my skin broke. Somehow I felt the same sensation deeper and then a tightening in my muscles. I flinched at the spasm. 

"Right... and we're in. Pass me that syringe, please." 

Darlene handed her a one-inch thick plastic syringe, she twisted it into the needle and pulled the plunger back. I watched, mesmerized as the clear liquid crawled up into the barrel. Once it was almost three-quarters of the way full she twisted it off, set it aside and pulled the needle out. She threw it into a disposable container and grabbed a cotton pad, holding it over where the needle had entered while Darlene waited for further orders.

She moved the transducer around, checking on the twins. 

"Babies are fine, everything went according to plan."

She set it aside and turned the machine off, she threw away the cotton pad exchanging it for a square bandaid.

"You can go home now Elliot, just no strenuous activities, you have to rest now. I'll be seeing you every two weeks from now on." 

Once everything was done, Darlene and I were on our way back home.


	10. 420 Enhance Your Calm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've noticed there is a drop of interest in this fic, but to the two people that are still here, don't be afraid, I'm not giving up on this story. I will finish the whole thing and post it here no matter how long it takes.  
> Not sure if I should leave a warning but this chapter may be upsetting to some.

January - 22 weeks

I'm the worst, I'm awful, I'm a disgrace. I'm disgusted with myself. This isn't right. How can I act like everything is fine when it clearly isn't? I haven't seen Alex this past week I asked Darlene to take him, I don't know what he's been up to, I can't bear to look at him. I can't look him in the eye knowing what I did. I can't stop thinking it could've been him. How can I even call myself a parent after this? I haven't answered the door to anyone in weeks, not Nancy, not even Darlene, I did keep Flipper for company. I've mainly done nothing but mope around blaming myself, I haven't taken my pills, as Layla told me too, either. Maybe if something happens to me, they won't have to live like this? - God, what is wrong with me? How can I think like this? I would never dare abort them, but I can't help think they'd have it better off if they didn't exist in the first place. Why did I ever do this? FUCK! Why did Alex have to ask? He couldn't just be a normal only child, did he? He had to ask for a sister... Yeah, great going there Elliot, blaming your two-year-old for your mistakes... grade A parenting right there. Fuck me. You probably don't think too highly of me right now either, huh? I didn't go see Krista, I just never showed up, maybe she'll get the message. I had an appointment two days ago... or at least I was supposed to, I never went there either. Layla left me a text asking where I was but I didn't answer, it doesn't matter. It's just me and the twins now, lying in bed, contemplating all the bad things I've done in my life, exactly what I need... 

"I told you, you're making a mistake." Mr. Robot's smug voice went around the room. 

"You screwed up -again- and now you're back to your poor miserable self, ain't that just fantastic?"

I stayed in bed trying not to acknowledge him.

"I told you to get rid off them - but Nooo, Mr. Perfect Dad over here wanted to make his precious little son happy. See what you've done now? Not only have you fucked yourself up, but you've fucked an innocent life too. And now you've got to live with it, you'll never forget it and you'll never forgive yourself either." 

Tears fell down the side of my face, falling onto my pillow. He's right, I'll never forgive myself for this. If only I hadn't been so greedy and impatient, this wouldn't have happened. What will I tell this kid when it's older? He'll never forgive me, not that I blame him. 

"Remember the old days, Elliot? Remember when it was just you and me, when all you did with your days was work, lust after Angela, get high and fuck Shayla? Those were the days I tell ya! Ah, Morphine... the drug of Gods, you take it and nothing matters anymore, all of your problems just melt away. Isn't that great? That us, puny little humans managed to manufacture such a marvelous thing. 

He sat at my desk facing me. 

"You want some?" 

He pulled out the same bag he threatened me with. 

"Oh, come on, Elliot, look at me, we both know damn well you've thought about it, let's not beat around the bush." 

He wiggled the bag with his fingers. 

"Come on, I say we do it together." 

Flipper laid in her dog bed as he bolted for one of the top cabinets where I hid my grinder 3 years ago now. He pulled it out and pulverized a couple of pills. Curious, almost bewildered, I walked over to him. I heard his hand go round and round as the pills turned to dust and he tapped them off on my old circular mirror. With a credit card, he made a couple of thick lines and set them down on the table. 

"Well, come on, I do it if you do it." 

I sat down by the table while he sat opposite me, he pulled out a twenty and rolled it up into a small tube presenting it to me. Should I? Maybe he's right? It's not like this situation will get any better, this won't make things any worse than they already are. There's nothing wrong with forgetting for a while... I took the rolled-up twenty and hunched over the mirror, in one clean drag I inhaled the whole line and leaned back in my chair. As I relaxed and waited for it to take effect, Mr. Robot snorted his, like it didn't even exist and left the apartment. 

***

I don't know how long I sat there, I went completely numb not long after he left. I was slightly conscious as I heard banging on my door, only one person knocks on my door like that - Darlene. Whatever the hell does she want? She's screaming something but I can't make out what it is. 

I felt myself drift a bit more, and with blurry vision, I saw my door open wide. Darlene and Layla walked in, Darlene with a child on her hands. Where did she get the kid from? I heard her swear. 

"You shouldn't swear in front of kids, you know?" I slurred - hearing that, she walked out. 

Layla walked up to me, also cursing under her breath - that's new, I've never heard her swear. She shined a flashlight into my eyes but I don't even have the strength to stop her. 

"Elliot, can you hear me?" Even though their voices are kind of muffled, I can still understand them - I nodded.

She reached with one of her hands under my arm and helped me up, she walked me to the couch and sat me down. While Layla looked for something in her bag Darlene walked back in but without the kid this time. Was that real? I closed my eyes for a moment and then suddenly felt something be spritzed up my nose, I gagged at the foreign sensation and coughed, opened my eyes to see Layla and Darlene just standing in front of me, none of us speaking, me still a bit dazed. Just as whatever she shoved up my nose began working, it made me nauseous, the medicine taste abusing the back of my throat, I quickly got up and retched in the sink, Flipper started barking at me. I grabbed onto the sink, hunched over struggling to breathe as the world got sharper and louder. 

"What the fuck was that, Elliot?!" Darlene yelled behind my back. 

"Give him a moment, Darlene, he's still disoriented." Layla tried to calm her down. 

I retched in the sink again but nothing came out.

"The hell was that?" I tried to speak, my voice hoarse from the bile in the back of my throat. 

"Narcan. The only thing that could quickly fix whatever you tried to do." Layla wasn't amused. 

"What I tried to do? What?" I looked to the right to see my grinder - used. I turned around as memories flooded my brain, the small circular mirror - covered in white powder, still laid on the table.

Oh no. 

_Please._

Dismayed, I didn't say a word and sat down at the table, hating myself all the more. I grabbed the mirror and saw my reflection - my hair, dirty, unwashed - my eyes, sunken and red, drowned in sorrow - a long-since dried streak of blood coming from my nose down to my chapped lips - and a brand new tear fell down my cheek. I threw the mirror at the ground, shattering it into pieces, startling Darlene and Layla. 

_For there it is, cracked in a hundred shivers.  
Mark, silent king, the moral of this sport,  
How soon my sorrow hath destroyed my face._

Soon more tears streaked my face as I sobbed at my own cruelty. 

"Elliot, come, lie down, I want to make sure you're alright." Layla wrapped her hands around my arms, helping me up, she walked me to the mattress and helped me down. Darlene cleaned up the shattered mirror as Layla, checked my vitals. I don't think it needs saying that they were bad. I sobbed hard as she listened to the babies with her stethoscope, thinking of what I had just done to them. I don't deserve them, I don't deserve anyone, especially not Alex... ALEX! 

"Alex! Where is he?" 

"Elliot, calm down, he's here he's fine." She spoke softly. 

"Let me see him, I want to see him." 

"You're not going anywhere near that kid right now. Not until you sober up, and get cleaned up." Darlene spoke sharply.

"Where is he?" 

"He's with Nancy, I thought you'd like to see him, but I didn't expect you to pull something like this." 

She walked in with Alex... he saw me like this. What else? What else is going to come to light today, to make me even more miserable? My son saw me on drugs, fuck. Father of the year award. 

After some time I calmed down, I went to the bathroom and got myself cleaned up, took a shower, brushed my teeth - I even took my pills. Although, it's not gonna change much now, is it? It had been about an hour now since they had come for me, I think my mind is pretty clear at this point. 

"Can I see him now?" 

I spoke quietly, I know Darlene is still mad at me. It hurts me that I have to ask permission to see my own son, but I know it has to be that way... he's not safe with me. Darlene looked somewhat displeased but she agreed, walked to the apartment over and brought Alexander back. His face lit up as soon as he saw me, she put him down and he ran over to me on the couch, I sat him on my lap. 

"I miss Daddy." He whined. 

"I know, Baby I miss you too." I hugged him tightly. 

"Aleksh back with Daddy?" 

"No Baby, Daddy did something bad, Daddy's not good for you, you can't stay." 

As much as it hurt me - that's the truth. His face turned sad and Darlene sat next to us on the couch. 

"Actually... we're staying." I looked at her confused. 

"Alex is staying and I am too, someone has to look out for you, even if just for a little bit, you're not in the right headspace to be left alone right now." She squeezed my thigh and smiled briefly.

I looked at Baby, whose face brightened up again and then back at Darlene. 

"Thanks." 

*Four days later*

The past few days were a whole lot of catching up - apparently, Alex never quit asking when he could be back. He missed me so much, he drew a picture of me at Daycare, which to be honest looks more like some strange shapes messily filled in with black, doesn't look like me, all that much. I found another magnet and put it up on the fridge, next to his old ultrasound. _Yes,_ I have been taking my pills, _Yes,_ I do feel better, I've got more energy than in the past month or so. It's ridiculous, you wouldn't think something so small could affect you like that and here we are - a little bit of iron deficiency and I'm down like a fly. Darlene persuaded me to go out today, we went to the park so Alex could play with some kids. He really wanted me there, when I said I'm not coming he pulled on my arm with all his might, trying to pull me along. I guess I should say he persuaded me and not Darlene. Nevertheless, I still hate being outside. Thankfully it's January, it's cold, I can hide my stomach under several layers so people don't think anything is out of the ordinary. The one good thing - I'm finally feeling like a human again, it seems my nausea has completely gone away, I've missed that feeling, of not feeling like you may retch all throughout the day. Alex still wants to touch my stomach, especially now since it's gotter even bigger since he last saw it, I don't always let him. He keeps reminding me of them, of what they are, of what I did to them... I don't want to talk bout them. Last night he fell asleep hugging me and we woke up in the same position, Darlene sleeps on the couch, I wonder how long she'll stay this time. Mr. Robot hasn't shown up either, he tricked me, he did this on purpose, he knew I'm not myself lately, he used me. Why is he like this? I don't understand what happened, he used to be nice and now because of them he's become maleficent, malicious, I don't recognize him. And what did he mean by 'Alex is mine' what does he think happened? 

"Would you like some tea, dear?" 

Nancy brought me out of my thoughts, she came over to hang out, I think she was telling the truth when she said she hasn't got anyone left. I feel like she's really taken a liking to Alex like he were her real grandchild, she's a sweet woman, I won't lie but it's still a bit weird to me to have a stranger be so familiar with me, particularly after knowing the truth. 

"Um, yeah, thanks." 

She went to boil some water, she acts like she's at home, which in a sense she kind of is - her apartment is pretty much a mirror image of my own.  
Alex was sitting on the floor, playing with Flipper - who on her part didn't actually want to play, he was bothering her. He touched her when she wanted to be left alone, the more he touched her the angrier she was getting, she started barking at him. As if in retaliation, he hit her hard and she whined, on autopilot, I stood up from the couch and grabbed his wrist, not seeing how much strength I put into it - he whimpered.

"Elliot?" Darlene reacted. 

As soon as I realized what I did, my mind went back, back to when I was a kid. Instead of Alex, in front of me saw myself - my kid self; and I was my mother, a cigarette between her lips, her face angry. I let go of his hand - that's not who I want to become, please, I don't want to become my mother. I kneeled down and hugged him, tight. 

"We don't hit animals, Baby, don't do that, that's bad."

The guilty look on his face told me he understood, I hope he won't get in trouble to often, I don't want to punish him, that's not the way - I'd never beat a child like my mother did me, especially not my own.

***

I noticed some new stretch marks today, that doesn't look good, my stomach is gonna be a wreck by the end of this, and I can already tell the bullet scar is gonna give me trouble. And that line is much darker now, I think it's even darker than it was with Alex, and it might be a little longer too. Wonder how long it's gonna take for it to go away this time, last time it took it about six months to disappear. 

"...I'm sorry." 

I spoke aloud, alone in the bathroom, I was about to take a shower so I took my shirt off and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Even though it's the same me, I feel like my stomach is different this time, I'll only be five months next week yet my stomach looks like what I was like at closer to seven months with Alex; Not that I was that big in the end, it only felt like that. I rubbed the taut skin slowly up and down feeling the boy move under my palm.

"I'm so sorry." He kicked. 

"I wish I could've done better but this is out of my control, I hope one day you'll understand." 

This time the girl moved. 

"Yeah, I know you're there too, I haven't forgotten about you. You're too important to forget, too precious, your brother can't wait to meet you. Both of you... I do hope you'll forgive me one day; When you'll be old enough to understand." 

Both of them kicked even more as I spoke, they seem to like it - not even Baby liked it that much. 

"You guys are special, I hope you know that... " I'll make sure you do. 

In the corner of my eye, I noticed the closed door, no-one can come in - that made me think back how Darlene kept eavesdropping on me, every time I thought I was alone. Hah, at least this time I can speak to them without interruption. Just as I thought that someone banged on the door.

"Daddy!" 

Alex yelled on the other side, he must've inherited his knocking skills from Darlene. A sly grin crept up the corner of my mouth at the thought.

"What Baby." 

"In!" 

I opened the door, he brought his hands up to his face as he giggled. 

"What?" I asked in a playful tone. 

"I miss Daddy." 

Aww... my heart melted as his eyes glimmered in the light, a bit wet - it's late he should go to bed. I took him up in my arms even though my back is killing me. 

"It's alright, Baby, I'm here. Are you tired." 

He nodded rubbing at his eyes, I walked him to my bed, in which he has spent every night since he's been back, I read him the book, 'Goodnight Moon' as he slowly fell asleep to the timbre of my voice. As I read I could feel the twins moving and punching at my intonation, I rubbed my stomach feeling their late-night somersaults beneath my skin. 

"G'nite Daddy."

"Goodnight Babies."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this one despite the subject matter, and as always, let me know what you thought.  
> Oh and if anyone is interested the quote is from Shakespeare's' "Richard II" in Act 4


	11. 205 Reset Content

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's another chapter, guess I'm feeling greedy today.

February - 24 weeks

_"Is your lunch ready?" I ran around frantic trying to get everyone ready._

_"Yes, dad..."_

_"Did you pack everything?"_

_"Yes..." Alex rolled his eyes, impatient._

_"Sweetheart eat your breakfast, we almost have to leave." I kissed her on the head._

_"Baby where is your brother?"_

_"I don't care why should I know? And stop calling me that I'm not your baby anymore."_

_"You should know because it's the first day of school and you don't want to be late now got fetch your brother." He moved slowly as if I had asked him to bring me the world or something, soon both of them came back._

_"Now, come on. We don't want to be late."_

_"I don't want to." He thumped his foot on the ground._

_"And why is that?"_

_"Because you won't let me wear a dress! She has a dress why can't I?" He crossed his arms._

_"Honey, you can't wear a dress to the first day of school, or any day for that matter, ten-your old boys don't wear dresses."_

_"But I'm not a BOY! I'm a GIRL like her! I want to have long hair, I want to have a ponytail and wear dresses EVERY DAY!" In a fit of fury, he ran back to his room and slammed the door hard._

***

I woke up startled by what sounded like the sound of a door slamming shut. I blinked a few times looking around at where I was, a tartan blanket laid on my legs and the place looked different. I stretched my back a bit as it has gotten terribly painful in the past few weeks as I got glimpses of my dream. Oh god... What if he wants to be a girl? I didn't even think of that, I can't help his physical appearance but what if his brain is female? Jesus Christ... I can't cope with this. Nancy sat down next to me with two cups of tea on a silver tray. 

"The tea is ready, Dear."

Ugh, right... I came over, she wanted me to come over with Alex since she's the one who always comes to my place. 

"Did I fall asleep?" I asked rubbing my face, exhausted.

"Yes, you seemed quite spent, as soon as you sat down you had your eyes closed so I laid my blanket over your legs while the water boiled in the kettle." I saw Alex playing on the floor with his toys while she spoke. 

"Yeah, sorry the twins are really taking it out on me." 

"Oh, there's nothing to be sorry for Darling, I understand, it can't be easy on you, seeing as you're carrying twins. One baby is hard enough, let alone two." 

I've known this woman for two months now and not once did she ever sound judgemental towards me, or said anything remotely bad; Is that even possible? 

"It might not be that hot anymore, I didn't want to wake you so I looked after your boy while you slept." She handed me one of the mugs - while it was warm it didn't burn my hands. 

We sat there for a moment not saying anything, I looked around, noticing there aren't any framed pictures anywhere, kind of like at my place, however, various paintings hanged of the walls. The rooms are simple with porcelain plates as the main decoration and dim yellow lights. 

"Haven't you got any family?" 

She looked down into her cup, the sound of nails hitting her mug the only audible noise in the room. 

"No, Elliot. As I've told you before I have no one."

"What about your husband?" There was a gold wedding band on her left hand.

"John died, twenty years ago now, and no we didn't have kids if that was your next question. It seems God doesn't favor me, the same way he does you, I wasn't that lucky you see. We tried, John and I, we tried many things, but none of them worked and by the time IVF rolled around in the late seventies, well, it had been many years and we had kind of lost hope. We didn't try IVF because we couldn't afford it, sometimes I think if we had tried then maybe things would have been different. But you see, it was also my fault in a way - We did succeed once, 1976, I was twenty-eight years old." Saying those words, she went back in time, you could see it on her face.

"I had been feeling worse and I'd been nauseous every morning at work since things didn't seem quite right I went to the doctors. When I told John I was pregnant he was over the moon." She smiled to herself.

"The both of us were so happy... I did all I could to keep healthy and not get the baby in peril, it seemed as if God had finally blessed us, but then... then... he took it all away. I had done everything by the book but even still, it wasn't good enough. I woke up one night, I was fifteen weeks along, my stomach ached madly, I didn't know what was going on so, I woke up John and when he turned the lights on there was blood all over my legs and the sheets, we were terrified - not knowing what to do John put me in the car and drove to the hospital - they couldn't save it... I had lost my child, it wreaked havoc on my emotions and I wasn't willing to try again, I didn't want to have to endure that again, I just knew there was something wrong with my body and I would never have kids in the end. While John never left me, I could tell he was upset with me for not trying again, but I couldn't, it hurt too much." 

We sat in silence for a while.

"I always hoped It would have been a little girl, I wanted to name her Ruth after my mother. - Now, drink up Dear your tea is getting cold." 

Absentmindedly I took a sip as she instructed - the tea was, in fact, turning cold. 

"All I can tell you, Elliot, is to be there for them and love them no matter what because you never know how quickly things can change and then you realize you lost something precious. I would have loved that child no matter what it would have been, deaf, blind, disabled, I would have loved it anyway because it was my child and children deserve all the love they can get from us. Kids are a gift, not a burden. - Would you like some biscuits, I think I have some in the cupboard." She quickly got up towards her kitchen. 

Her story caught me off guard, I would have never guessed a person so merry and cheerful, had such weight on their shoulders, no wonder she likes Baby so much. It also took me back to when I thought I could lose Alex, he was so little, I still can't believe he was actually fine in the end. All this time she's still living her life... I would've probably chucked a few pills and have it over with.

I stayed with her for about another two hours as she told me stories from her life, it felt like she had been waiting for so long to tell them to someone. She kept telling me about how lucky I am to have children, how I must be chosen by God and how he's got plans for me, I didn't want to burst her bubble since it's probably what keeps her going and I just sat there listening to her taking. 

It was getting close to 9PM I have to get Alex to sleep so I told her goodnight and left, making sure no one was in the hallway before turning towards my door. I got him to brush his teeth, dressed him in his pajamas and tucked him in. I should probably go to sleep myself but I'll stay up a bit longer, I have an email I have to check. Oh, it's from Krista, I guess I should have seen this coming.

 _From:_ KristaGordon@Bmail.com  
_To:_ elliotalderson@protonmail.ch

**Hello Elliot**

**I haven't seen you in a while, you haven't come. I left you messages but I'm sure you've noticed those. I've been wondering why you haven't come to see me, you never said anything; What happened? Anything that's going on, you know very well I want to help you through with it. Could it be something that I have said or done? If so I apologize and hope you'll come to see me soon. If it's something else that's bothering you, you shouldn't try to hide from it, you're doing it again Elliot, you're hiding. I presume if it's to do with the pregnancy you may not want to talk about it with me but don't isolate yourself, Elliot, it'll only make things worse. Do you go for walks sometimes? You should, walking is beneficial to your health, you know? Not only physically but mentally as well. You should go out sometimes, go walk your dog or go out with Alexander, the fresh air will do you good. I hope to see you soon, and if needed you can email me anytime you'd like.**

**See you soon.**

**Krista**

Should I email her back? Maybe at least tell her I won't be coming anytime soon? Eh, whatever, she knows I won't, it was the same last time, expect I actually notified her about it then... She can't fix this anyway, no one can, there's nothing to be fixed, it's only to be lived. Although she has a point, maybe I should go out sometimes, I looked out the window, a slight mist of snow falling from the nights' sky. The snow has really been holding up this year, causing massive traffic jams and whatnot, they even cut the power off last week the storm was so strong. I looked down at Flipper's dog bed, she's sleeping like a log, I guess I won't bother her - Alex's asleep, Flipper's asleep, frankly I guess I could go out for a bit, walk around the block, maybe it'll stretch my back out.

As long as I keep my head down, no one should bother me, there aren't that many people out, it's late and cold why would you go outside right now anyway? Why am _I_ outside right now anyway? This was stupid walking won't do me any good. Just as the thought passed through my head I felt the twins move more, hurting me a bit in the process. 

"Hey, slow down you two, I'm not a bouncy castle. You guys do anything to annoy me, don't you? At least Baby used to settle down when I walked - well, except for that one time, when he tried to flip, Jesus he was a pain in the ass then... but I wouldn't trade him for the world now."

They kicked more. 

"I won't give you two away either, if that's what you're kicking about, neither one of you. In a way, I wanted you two just as much as he did, otherwise, I wouldn't have done this, I'm as much to blame in the end. Just like Nancy said, you guys are a gift, not a burden - I have to remember that."

I rounded the corner for the third time having gone all the way around the block.

"I hope you two know I love you, right? Even if you're like me."

I rubbed my stomach on his side. 

"I guess I should love you even more for that, you're more like me than they ever could, and I'm sorry about that." He kicked. 

"It seemed so simple, and it's all gone to shit, I hope I'll do right by you." 

I grabbed onto the railing of my apartment building, I walked one step up and felt my center of balance shift uncontrollably as my foot slipped on some ice. Thankfully I caught myself and managed to get up the stair fine, although I'll have to watch out for that in future.

*Next morning*

Groggy, I began to stir feeling something pushing me on the back, which turned out to be Alex trying to wake me up. 

"Daddy, Daddy up!" He almost screamed into my ear. 

God, why can't he ever get up at like ten? No, fricking always six or seven in the morning, ugh... I turned to my side trying to fall back asleep. Which in hindsight I probably should've done as he stood up on the mattress and started pushing on my shoulder as hard as he could, inevitably, his hand slipped and he shoved me hard in the chest. 

"Ow! Alex!" I scowled rubbing my sore chest, fuck, I forgot how sensitive it can get. 

Right away he sat back down, a look of regret on his features, he wanted me up, well, he fucking succeeded. 

"Sorry, Daddy..." 

"It's fine, whaddya want, Baby?" I sat up straight, my back against the wall, still rubbing at my chest, my nipple having gotten the worst of it, I didn't bother wearing a shirt to bed since I'm running out of larger ones, I'm gonna have to dig deeper into my drawer or something. Where the hell have they all gone? 

He sat down on my legs in front of me, holding his hands on the two sides of my stomach. 

"Daddy belly moving." He giggled as he spoke. 

"Look." 

I cracked one eye open and looked down to see my middle, swaying slightly to the sides and my skin rasing in random places as the twins did their regular morning summersaults. Right, he hasn't really experienced that yet, nothing better than en excited almost-three-year-old at... What time is it? I reached for my phone on the ground - great 6:47 AM, I can't wait to get up. 

"Yeah, you did that too when you were in Daddy's belly." I closed my eyes again.

"Really?" His voice just got six octaves higher.

"Uh-huh." 

I could feel his little hands holding my stomach, as the babies moved and then suddenly there was a different touch. He was kissing my belly in different spots, it tickled and made me smile. 

"What are you doing Baby?" I couldn't help the amusement out of my voice.

"Aleksh, kish it better." 

What? Haha, I opened my eyes. 

"What are you kissing better?"

"Daddy skin bad." He was kissing the fresh, red stretch marks he could see contrasting my skin, I belly laughed (no pun intended) it was so cute. 

"Thank you, Baby, but you don't have too, haha, they don't hurt." At least not yet. 

"Ok." 

He laid forward and hugged my belly, giggling as he felt the twins kick him through my skin, his head close to my navel, it's funny how it's only stretched this time it didn't really pop it's just stretching as my stomach gets bigger. 

"Alright, get up, we're gonna take a bath." 

"Yaaay!" He quickly got off of me and run to the bathroom screaming - well that was easy... I have no idea how my neighbors haven't complained to the landlord about me yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought.


	12. 410 Gone

February - 26 weeks 

Alex got sick, I'm not sure what it is yet, it's kind of scary I never really had to deal with something this vicious until now. He must've gotten it from someone at daycare, Darlene said his friend he always plays with wasn't there when she went to get him so maybe it was her. I've been asking Darlene to get him from Daycare for me for some time now, the staff would've noticed I look different and with Baby having told them I'm having his sister, I don't want to risk them figuring out he isn't that dumb in the end, they even asked why I haven't been coming. At first, he only had a slight temperature I didn't think it would actually turn into something but now, not only has he got a fever but he's coughing and sneezing and the worst of all he's vomiting a lot, I have to keep a plastic basin close to him in bed so he doesn't puke all over the floor. Maybe it's the flue, I don't know, I have no idea what to do. Do you know what it could be? Not likely, I guess. My only savior is Darlene who, mercifully got some medicine from the pharmacy down the block. I've managed to get his cough a bit under control but I don't know what to give him for his stomach, I'm mainly trying to keep him hydrated, that's what you're supposed to do in these kinds of scenarios - I think. I'm worried... I feel sorry for him, he's upset because he doesn't feel well and he doesn't know why. I don't really want to leave, I have an appointment with Layla tomorrow but with Alexander being sick, I don't want to leave him and can't very well take him with me. I guess I'll have Darlene stay with him but I still don't like that Idea. 

***

To be completely honest with you, I'm actually kind of scared of this appointment, it's my second 'real' appointment since the incident seeing as I didn't have one at 22 weeks. That's not the scary part... Remember that whole Amniocentesis thing? Well the results are in, I'm not sure I want to hear them, have my conscience be crushed to dust... it already hurts enough. But I'll have to, I guess, I kind of have to know what he is. 

As much as I hated the fact I got out, got a cab - alone. Worst twenty minutes of my life, the driver never stopped staring in his rearview mirror, for a moment I thought we were going to crash. 

I stepped into the elevator, alone thankfully, and went up to Layla's floor. I had to wait a little in the hallway, there was a young couple in there before me - Finally, I faced my fears and went in.

"Good morning, Elliot." 

"Morning." It was 11AM whereas I already felt like it was 11PM.

"Alex isn't with you?" I sat on a chair at her desk across from her. 

"Erm, no He's sick, I asked Darlene to stay with him at the apartment."

"Oh, alright. What has he got?"

"I have no idea, he's got a fever and he's coughing and puking, I don't know what to do." 

"Doesn't sound that good, I'm not a pediatrician so I'm not gonna tell you what specific medicine to give him but keep him hydrated, give him plenty of rest, and give him small, light meals as to not upset his stomach too much. And make sure you don't get sick, getting sick in your condition right now would be a nightmare so be careful. If it gets worse take him to a doctor, in fact. - Why haven't you called his pediatrician yet?" She took out her ponytail and put her hair up into a bun. 

"I have, he's on vacation, they gave me another one's number, but I don't know about that." 

"Well, anyway, I'm sure you'll do fine, right now we have a different can of worms to take care of, come on." She stood up from behind her desk. 

I got up from my chair and sat on the exam table, waiting for her to proceed.

"Do we really have to?" She wrapped the cuff around my arm. 

"Well I found some pretty interesting stuff, in my opinion, I thought you'd want to hear about it?" She made a face looking at the readings. 

"Yeah, I'd love to hear all about how I fucked up my child's life, thank you... what's wrong?"

"Oh, would you stop putting yourself down? Stop making assumptions, it's annoying. And stop stressing yourself out so much, you're blood pressure is too high, that's not good. You're to keep your BP under control, you hear me." 

"Yes, ma'am..." Did she really just scold me like a parent scolds their child? 

"Right, get on the scale." 

I did as she asked and got off when she was done.

"You've only gained a pound this week Elliot, seriously?" I didn't answer. 

"Listen, I know you're feeling pretty bummed out lately but it isn't all that bad, I mean, look at you, you had Alex. Do you regret that?" 

"No." 

"This doesn't mean this is the end for them Or you for that matter. Come on, lift your shirt up." 

I laid back down on the table and pulled the hem of my shirt up to the top of my stomach, she looked at where my hands stopped. 

"Higher." 

"What?" 

"Pull your shirt up higher." 

"What for?" 

I pulled it up regardless, she touched my chest with her hands pushing on it slightly, making me wince, she looked on closer, examining my nipples, words can't describe the unease I felt. 

"Why did you have a bruise on your breast?" She commented noticing the yellow-green fading patch of skin.

"Alex hit me on accident."

"Hm, any signs of colostrum?" 

"What? NO!" I pulled my shirt back down to the top of my stomach embarrassed. 

"Elliot, we've been through this already, you don't have to be embarrassed about this. Anyway, you better watch out, it might come in soon, seeing as your chest is swollen - must've hurt pretty bad when you got hit, I don't envy you."

This time she actually focused on my middle and began palpating around my abdomen. 

"Had any Braxton Hicks already?" 

"A couple..."

"Good." 

If only, I hate them, they've always made me nervous and almost going into preterm labor because of them didn't help. 

"How's, the anemia, you takin' your pills, feeling better?" 

"Yeah, I actually feel like a human again." 

"Alright, let's get the big guns rolling." 

She sat down and turned the ultrasound machine on, she applied some gel onto the wand and began roaming around my skin, the small hair under my navel swirling with her motions. Is it me or have they gotten longer? 

The wand traveled high and low, far, and wide on my stomach making sure she got every angle she needed. 

"Good, the babies are looking great, they were a bit shaken up after your little incident but they seem to be doing just fine now. I'll even snap a picture for ya'. Now... little biology lesson, Elliot."

"Please, be gentle." 

She laughed under her breath. 

"So, to reiterate, humans have karyotypes, in women it's XX and in men, it's XY - Y, being responsible for the masculine side of things. You, being a true hermaphrodite, your karyotype is XX/XY, I checked that while I had a sample of your blood, sorry, I was curious. Which means you have ambiguous genitalia, two sets of reproductive organs, one with female tissue and one with male tissue, most likely with some sort of ovotestis."

"Yeah, thanks for the heads up, I hadn't noticed." 

"Just, please listen." She lightly slapped my arm. 

"Having taken a sample of your amniotic fluid, I was able to isolate the twin's karyotypes. Your little girl, she's one-hundred percent healthy, there are no defects or mutations of any kind so she's a regular XX. The little boy, on the other hand, he's something different."

Just as quickly as hearing the girl is fine calmed me down, hearing the latter wound me up again. 

"And I mean that literally, he's different from you, he's not a hermaphrodite, well not in the same sense as you at least."

What?

"He is also completely healthy by the way, he hasn't got any conditions of any kind but his karyotype is 46XX/46XY, he's a chimera, Elliot." 

"What does that mean?" 

"A chimera is an organism made up of two different zygotes, or 'fertilized eggs' in layman's terms. This basically means that at some point after your insemination, two of your eggs must've collided and merged into one. Now, I know this is a bit much and maybe a bit hard to follow but Elliot, I've got a bomb for you and I don't know if it's good news or bad news."

I just starred at her waiting for further explanation. 

"You were going to have triplets."

She stopped unsure of my reaction, my mind kind of stalled trying to understand all that she had explained, in relation to what she had just said.

"What? No. What are you talking about, I'm having twins..."

"Yeah, well there was supposed to be one more."

I froze not knowing what to think. 

"H-how?" It was barely audible.

"That's the interesting part you see, I'm assuming due to your age, and that I guess you don't have sexual relations that often, you must've had two eggs, ready for ovulation at the time. The catch is, once they fertilized, one of them began to split into two which would have been identical twin girls, the other egg must've been close and when the other split, it collided with the singular zygote forming a chimera. And since he's technically still half of that identical zygote the amniotic sac formed around them both and they share a placenta, so they're identical but at the same time, fraternal, it gets kind of confusing when you think about it. But, yeah I checked, he shares half of his DNA with his sister and its identical." 

I still hadn't said a word, completely shocked. 

"Oh and he's not a hermaphrodite, even though he has two sets of karyotypes he's presenting with fully male phenotypes - physical traits, I mean. He's a completely normal little boy." 

...

"That's a lot to take in..." 

"I know, I'm sorry but I thought you should know everything, as hard and confusing as it may be. Do you need me to repeat anything?"

"No it's fine, I got it..." 

...

"So, I was gonna have two little girls."

"Yes... I'm sorry for your loss." 

...

"So, are they even going to look alike? The boy and the girl, I mean."

"It's hard to tell really, I don't know what part of his DNA makes up his face. I don't know how much physical resemblance there will be."

"Okay..." My voice trembled a little. 

"So, he's normal... it's gonna be a little girl and a little boy... no strings attached?" 

"Yes, Elliot, they're completely fine." She smiled a little seeing, I couldn't believe her words as small tears threatened to spill out of my eyes. 

Not sure if I couldn't or didn't want to. I calmed down and she showed me them again individually on the screen and let me listen to their hearts. I wiped my stomach clean with a paper towel and pulled my shirt back down, I'm getting a similar feeling to when she told me there's two instead of one. There were supposed to be three... that's so weird, two girls and a boy, could you imagine that? Would they have even fit? I wasn't supposed to have kids in the first place and the twins are already running out of room. Maybe it was for the better, who knows if three would've survived, I shouldn't feel guilty, but for some reason, I do... She asked me for a urine sample before I left and that was it for today, I went out this time opting for the subway, it's easier to deal with the stares among crowds than isolated with a single person. 

"What the hell was that?!" Mr. Robot walked alongside me on the sidewalk. 

"Triplets? I had no idea you could've fucked up even harder. And what the fuck was that word she used? Chimera? Seriously, what the hell? What? Is he a fucking cat? Is he going to have varicolored skin patches? Is he going to meow instead of speak? Come on Elliot, you can't be serious. Just have them over with and we can stop arguing about this." I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk right as he blew a plume of smoke in my face. 

"You're the one who keeps arguing, you keep showing up, trying to convince me of something that's not true, I'm fine with how things are, you heard her, he's normal, that's all I could've asked for, so go fuck yourself." I kept walking, I little bit faster this time. 

"I'm not the one with the conscience, keep telling yourself what you want but you and I know damn well, you don't believe it, you can't. Since you're fucked up, it must be too, there's no way that thing is going to get away with it so easily. You could do all the tests in the world and have all the ultrasounds you want, but until that thing is born and you see it with your own eyes, you won't know and you'll keep doubting."

"JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, my voice echoing around the walls, over and over, everyone in the subway who were waiting for their respective train cars looked at me, hundreds of eyes locked in my direction. I felt trapped, I couldn't move, I felt a cramp, heightening my stress levels, they kept staring, and then just like that they looked away, looking into their phones or reading their newspapers, minding their own business as if nothing had happened. Fucking New York City, man. I could die if they'd stared long enough, and to them, it's just another day in The Big Apple. 

***

I could feel my heart in my throat by the time I got to the apartment, every single stare lingered on me like a fly stuck to a pot of glue. I quickly made my way up so no one would notice me, and entered my apartment to Darlene sitting on the couch, browsing her phone and Baby sleeping in bed. 

"Oh, you're back; How did it go?" 

I took my jacket off and went to check on Alex.

"I guess in a way it was better than I thought." 

He's not as pale as he was which is good, I think the more he sleeps the better it is for him, it would be great if he could just sleep through it completely.

"And in another...?" She must've sensed the uncertainty in my voice. 

"Well, it's not what you think - or it's not what I thought I suppose. In short, they're both normal, a little girl and a little boy. But apparently, I almost had triplets." 

Her eyes widened at the news. 

"Two eggs collided together or something merging into one, leaving me with twins." 

"Wait, hold up I don't follow." 

"Oh, I don't know... call Layla and ask her, she'll do a much better job of explaining, I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. How was he anyway?"

"Dumpling? He was fine for the most part, he didn't puke the whole time you were gone, didn't cough too much and has been sleeping for the past forty minutes. So I think we're on the right track." 

God, I want to just lay in bed with him, keep him safe and sound but Layla told me not to get sick, ugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is confused at the medical jargon, then just let me know, and I'll try and explain it a bit better in the comments.


	13. 500 Internal Server Error

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Felt frisky so I posted two chapters this time, hope you guys like them.

March - 28 weeks 

God, I've entered my third trimester, finally... it feels like it's been so long already. Was it that bad when I had Alex? I can't even remember anymore. What was it even like when I had Alex? What was happening when I was this far along...? He flipped, didn't he? Yeah, that's it. Wait. They haven't flipped yet. Do they even have enough space for that now? What if they don't flip? I'm not liking this at all. And they're really putting me in a lot of pain lately, I don't know what it is, but my hips have been bothering me like crazy these past couples of weeks. I feel like I'm carrying heavy rocks, it isn't pleasant at all. Layla said they could come early, she said the average was 33 weeks, that's only five weeks away... shit, five weeks, that's pretty much a month away. I can't have them in a month, I am so not ready for this. I didn't even get a second crib yet, I have Baby's old one since he sleeps in bed with me now pretty much every night. It's a good thing I didn't throw out his old baby things either, you'd almost think I was planning on this, but you gotta trust me, I wasn't. These last few months have really put me through the wringer, I didn't come looking for this. Enough about me, Alex is doing alright again, he got out of it, thankfully (for his sake) sleeping through most of it. And I can finally cuddle with him again without being afraid he'll get me sick. I missed that. 

"Noo, don't." Alexander spoke out of nowhere and slapped the ground he was sitting on. 

"What was that baby?"

"Nottin', Daddy." 

Strange, this isn't the first time I've caught him talking to thin air, it's weird. I've only noticed it recently after he got sick but I've got an inkling it's been going on for a while, I just never took any interest in it. 

I'm not exactly sure what to do about it, on the one hand; Is that something children do? Did he come up with an imaginary friend? Should I be worried? While on the other hand, I'm slightly scared it may be something more deeply rooted. Something he might have inherited from me, _Someone..._

It never happens at any specific time either, he'll just do it out of the blue, when he's playing with his toys, when he's in the bath, he'll just do it randomly. 

"Hmm, it reminds me of someone..." Mr. Robot sat at my desk, one finger pondering on his lips.

I paid him no mind and resumed washing the dishes. 

"You know, I've always wondered what people think when they see you talking to me. Do they just not care, or is New York City so full of looneys that it doesn't strike them as odd anymore?"

He walked over to Alex and took him up in his arms. 

"Put him down." 

"Hey kiddo, what's up?" 

He rocked him on his hip, while Baby looked at him with wide eyes. 

"Put him down!" The twins tensed with my anger.

"Or what? What're you gonna do? Punch me? Might as well punch him, or no, do me a favor and punch the wall. 'Cause you're as dumb as a brick.

He walked over to the couch and sat down, holding Alex down on his thigh.

"As I said, he reminds me of someone... maybe you know him, he's paranoid, anxious about everything, talks to himself like he's addressing someone... think about it." 

I stood in place. 

"He wears black all the time, it's like he never left his emo phase, or he's about to attend his own funeral since he doesn't listen when he's told he's making a mistake!"

"WHAT FUCKING MISTAKE?! WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WANT?!"

Alex began to cry at my outburst. 

"Honestly I'd be surprised if this kid grows up to be normal. His father talks to thin air and yells at him for no reason, that's gotta leave a mark." His voice was smug. 

As quickly as I could I snatched Baby out of his arms and rocked him in my trying to soothe him, despite the back pain it gives me. I pushed his hair back and kissed his forehead, rocking him side to side. 

"You're starting to rub off on the kid, Elliot. And not in a good way." 

He walked right past me and left without another word. I kept rocking Baby in my arms until my back couldn't take it. 

"What am I gonna do Baby?" 

He looked at me, not knowing what to say, his eyes still a bit watery, I sat down with him on the couch. Seeing as he was still a bit on edge, I did the one thing I knew would calm him down and lifted my shirt up, exposing the now raw and obscenely stretched skin of my stomach. Last time I was this big, I went into labor, it's hard to believe I've still got another two months to go. Pretty much instantly, when he saw my belly and how it moves with the twins inside, a beaming, bright smile lit up his face and he hugged it, his previous distress no longer apparent.

*3 days later*

I really don't know what to do with him, I have no idea if this is normal, I don't want to give Mr. Robot the satisfaction of control, I can't let him see he's right. Now, while this isn't necessarily easy for me, I don't know who else to turn to - hah, trust me, if I knew any better I wouldn't be standing in front of Kirsta's door right now, having just rung the bell. Can't she get the door a little faster, Jesus? I hate waiting for people to open their doors, so much time for scrutiny from others as they pass by. I can already imagine what they're thinking, seeing a man with a large seemingly pregnant stomach, standing with a toddler in front of someone's door-

"Elliot?"

I looked back where the door had previously been closed to see Krista's dumbfounded face staring at me from head to toe, inspecting me.

"This is a bit unexpected." She kept staring.

"-Come in!" She suddenly realized I must've been standing here for a long time.

Ushering Alex in front of me, we walked in and stood in her hallway.

"You've changed..." Her eyes were not so subtly burning holes into my belly, making me uncomfortable.

"And you've brought Alexander with you." 

She kept trying to make small talk while I was still internally debating whether this was a good idea. Should I tell her the truth, or should I just leave? 

"So... To what do I owe this visit?" 

"Daddy, bad." 

Baby spoke before I had the chance to utter a single word; Krista looked at me, unsure all the while I reciprocated her stare with wide eyes, caught, like a deer in the headlights. 

"Well then; Why don't we sit down." 

We entered her office and sat down, seeing as I don't really have a choice anymore, I explained to her why I came. I told her about Mr. Robot's return and every time he showed up, I... I told her how it scares Alex and how he's been acting lately.

"Alexander, when you got here you said your Daddy was bad what did you mean?" 

Fuck, my almost-three-year-old is being questioned by my therapist; How did I let this happen? How did I let it get this far? Darlene warned me about this, I should've listened. I wish I could just punch myself in the face. 

"Daddy, angry." He finally answered. 

"Hey, I'm not angry at you Honey, Daddy's never angry at you, Daddy's is just... Angry with himself..." How do you explain to a toddler you have a dissociative personality that hates your guts? 

"Right, and your Daddy says you talk alone, that you talk even no one is around. What's going on Alex? Do you have a friend we can't see?" 

You can tell Krista has to simplify her language, I don't think her patients are usually this young. Baby just shook his head no. 

"Then why do you do it?" 

This time he looked at me. 

"What?"

"Elliot, do you talk to yourself... sometimes?" Her tone was ever so slightly suspicious. 

"Only when Mr. Robot shows up." 

I don't talk to you aloud, so that doesn't count. 

"And when Alexander does this, is he angry or upset?" 

"Now, that I think of it, there is maybe a slight edge to it when he does it. What? What does that mean?" 

She straightened her back and sat a bit deeper in her chair. 

"It's called mirroring, he's mimicking parental behavior, given you're his only parent, he's mimicking you. It's a natural response that helps the learning process. It's typical for children older than him but can present at an earlier age." 

"So what? It's normal?" 

"I'm afraid he may be using it as a coping mechanism." Her mouth tightened. 

"A coping mechanism? To cope with what?" 

"Your outbursts." 

I don't like that answer, I felt a jolt inside me which made me flinch.

"When Mr. Robot eggs you on, you get angry, you start screaming, he picks up on that." She held her hand in Alex's direction.

"It scares him but he knows no better so he thinks what you're doing is normal. He doesn't understand why he's scared of something normal, so his brain convinced him he should do it too, If he does what Daddy does, it's not gonna scare him anymore, right?" 

Another jolt, I flinched again. There, I've done it, I fucked him up. 

"Fuck!"

And another flinch. 

"Elliot, are you okay?" Krista finally voiced her concern. 

I stood up to pace around the room, feeling another jolt. 

"Elliot-"

"I'm fine! ...One of them has the hiccups." 

I rubbed my stomach trying to calm down, feeling another jolt. I paced a bit, back and forth behind the couch, thinking it over. 

"So, how do I stop this, how do we make it go away?" 

"Sit down please." 

I flinched again but sat down nonetheless.

"Most importantly, You have to stop doing it, you can tell him to stop but as long as you'll keep doing it, he'll still do it anyway." 

I looked at Alex and his ever so innocent face, he doesn't understand a word of what's going on. The poor thing.

***

We got back to the apartment as I kept thinking about the situation and what it meant, what if it doesn't stop? Even if I do, what if he doesn't, what if I've scarred him? I pulled out my keys and unlocked the door, he ran in and went to pet Flipper in her dog bed, while she obviously wanted to sleep. Completely drained by the day I shut the door, threw my backpack on the table along with my keys, and hung my jacket on the hanger, standing there for a moment longer as Baby ran back to me. 

"Daddy play." 

"Not now Alex, Daddy's tired." 

"Play-ay!" He whined, tugging at my t-shirt. 

"Alexander, no..." 

I don't even have the strength to be sterner today. 

"PLAY!" 

He threw a fit and began crying thinking that would change my mind, when in fact it did nothing, I looked at him, his face beet red and snotty and something inside me just... snapped. I snapped and slid down the wall all the way to the floor as tears began to stream down my cheeks, my own eyes turning bloodshot. I sobbed as I re-lived the pain and stress of the past few months in the back of my mind, all of my emotions came rushing back in to torment me a little longer. Baby noticed and looked at me, his own tears slowly dying down, tilting his head in a similar fashion to Flipper when she's confused. I paid him no mind and buried my face in my hands, not really being able to wrap them around my knees in my condition, I could hear he had stopped crying and felt as he wrapped his tiny arms around me and gave me a hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought.


	14. 406 Not Acceptable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***WARNING*** The latter half of this chapter may be upsetting/disturbing to some, read at your own discretion.

March - 30 weeks 

Thirty weeks, it is officially thirty weeks as of yesterday. Feels like much longer, I can't wait for this to end, I'm aching all over and I have officially become a cow once again, I sure didn't miss that. I've had to change my shirt twice today already, and it's only 2 PM. 

Suddenly there was a knock at the door - Please god spare me the embarrassment - I opened them to see Nancy on my doorstep. 

"Nancy?" 

"Hello, Sweetheart." 

"Can I... help you with anything?" 

"Um -yes, actually, I was wondering if you maybe had any sugar?" 

Really? Sugar? 

"Yeah... sure." I left the door open so she could walk in and waddled over to the kitchen counter, opened the top drawer looking for sugar. 

"How much do you need?" 

She wasn't answering. 

"Nancy?" 

I turned around to see her just looking at me, a serene expression on her face. 

"You okay?" 

"Oh, I'm quite alright, my dear."

"I asked you how much sugar you wanted?" 

She gasped slightly surprised and covered her mouth with her hand.

"I'm so sorry, truth be told I don't need sugar, I just wanted to see you, you haven't stepped a foot out of here in two weeks and I just wanted to see how you were, but I didn't want to impose on you." 

I'll surprise myself saying this, but - that's... very sweet. 

"You're not imposing, it's just-, a lot happened in the last 8 weeks and I just don't really feel like going anywhere, plus it's getting kind of hard for me to move around lately." 

"My bad, I hadn't realized. How are you feeling, Darling? You must be so knackered, and taking care of that sweet son of yours. Do you want me to take care of him for a bit?" 

She then looked around looking for Alex.

"No, it's fine, I think I can manage a couple of weeks more, he's sleeping by the way. I dunno, do you maybe want some coffee or tea?" I supported half my weight on the counter. 

"A tea, please. Wait no, sit down, I'll do it myself." 

She very suddenly marched towards the counter and began making tea.

"Nancy, stop it's alright-"

"NO, I said, sit. You're supposed to rest, I'm sure it's hard once you're this far along, particularly with twins. You make sure they're fine, so I can visit you once they're born." 

Her speech slightly stupefied me, so I decided to in fact sit down while she made tea. 

"I can make some biscuits if you'd like. Do you want me to?" 

"No, it's fine." 

Let's say Nancy's the kind of person that doesn't take no for an answer. In short, she stayed at my apartment long past 8 PM and it didn't happen without some cookies and more than one cup of tea. I actually quite enjoy her company, she's kinda like the Grandma I never had, she's endearing in her own way. Maybe she could be Alexander's and the twins' Grandmother. It's not like my mother would've done a good job at it even if she were still alive...

And of course, the day wouldn't be complete without a touch of embarrassment - Baby woke up around 5 PM, the poor thing had a nightmare and began screaming his head off. He quickly ran to me all scared, so I sat him down on my knee and tried cheering him up all the while his cries prompted my body's ridiculous response. Once I had realized my chest wasn't wet because of his tears, it was too late, two large circles had appeared on my t-shirt, visible to anyone in the room. 

"Oh dear, that's unfortunate. Where are you're clothes? I'll bring you a clean shirt."

"The dresser," I mumbled ashamed.

Thankfully she was a good sport about it and didn't say anything - no snarky comments like Darlene would've made. As swiftly as a could without setting Alex down I took my shirt off and wiped my chest clean with it, it's going to the wash anyway. Right away since I was now shirtless, Baby hugged me, his hand roaming on my skin. I sort off took the moment in and hugged him back, so many wild things happened recently I don't remember when was the last time I had some nice and peaceful off-time with him. We sat there for a couple of minutes, I rocked a bit side to side in our embrace so he would quiet down and all of a sudden I felt his mouth on my chest, I looked down to see him attempting to suck on my nipple. 

"Hey! What are you doing?" I tried pulling him off of me, surprised - I have to admit, it's harder to pull a toddler off of you than it is a newborn. What I didn't expect was for him to fight back, or rather try for round two, I held him at arms reach away from me as he desperately tried to get closer.

"Baby, stop." 

"Hun-gry." He whined. 

"No, that's not for you, it's for your siblings."

"No-ho..."

"Yes, remember I told you, you'd have to share with your siblings, well it starts now, you understand?" 

He crossed his arms and decided to jump off of me, still in his tantrum he walked over to his toys and proceeded to play in silence. Well, that's new... I hope it isn't going to set a theme. 

Regardless of his mood I gladly slipped on the shirt Nancy had fetched for me from my dresser. 

***

While I did tell Nancy I didn't need her help, I did leave Alex with her today, I have an appointment and after what transpired yesterday I wasn't quite sure if I should take him with me. His little outburst made me rethink my decision again. Maybe I went into this too quickly? I should've waited a bit longer, maybe wait for him to understand what he was saying. I can't help but keep thinking I'm going to wind up with three kids and one of them hates his siblings' guts, just because he doesn't want to share with them. 

I stood on the scale, listening as Layla slid the weights back and forth, getting the right numbers - usually, I'd be staring at her fingers as she does it, I even kind of worked out how it works after all this time. But I can't anymore, I now have to stand backwards on the scale because my stomach gets in the way. 

"185 Pounds, really good." Layla spoke as I stepped off the scale.

Jesus, they got real heavy real fast. 

"Last time you weighed this much give or take a pound... Alexander was born." She smiled writing something down in her notes, Darlene was sat on a chair nearby. 

"No wonder I feel like this should be over already..." I sat on the exam table, exhausted. 

"Patience, it won't be long now." 

"And soon you'll see you should've gotten rid of these things long ago." Mr. Robot was sitting at Layla's desk. 

"I really don't like where this is going, Elliot." She said removing the pressure cuff off my arm. 

"What?" 

"Your BP is too high and has been steadily rising for the past month, I'm worried. You know you're high risk right? If this keeps going I'm going to have to do something about it, Elliot."

"What do you mean?" Darlene and I almost spoke in unison. 

"If it keeps going like this, with how high your blood pressure is, you're at risk of Pre-eclampsia. It can be very dangerous, especially with twins - the only remedy is delivery and, given your somewhat recent brush with anemia, you're also at higher risk because of it."

"Well, ain't that some interesting piece of trivia." Mr. Robot was still sitting at her desk. 

"But I don't have it?" 

"Not yet..."

"Did you not listen, Elliot, that's not the point." Darlene stood from her chair and came over. 

"What do you want him to do?" 

"Most importantly I want you not to stress Elliot, just, relax as often as possible and secondly you have to minimize your activity. I'm not putting you on bed rest because in your state it might actually cause the opposite effect but, cut back on trips to the city or any errands, it would be best if you had someone do that for you."

In some aspects I actually like this idea, it would spare me from a lot of anxiety, but on the other hand, I hate being a parasite, I hate having to depend on others.

"Alright, let's see how they're doing." 

I laid back on the table and lifted my shirt up, it's getting harder to breathe when I sit like this, the twins are crowding my lungs.

"Yeah!" Mr. Robot laughed.

"Look at you, what a gross image with this big bloated stomach. Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately? Look what these abominations have done to you." 

I tried to ignore his comments and focused on what Layla was doing. She took the wand out and put some gel on it - the get hasn't been cold in months, ever since it was all planned it hasn't been cold once, it's a nice change from last time. She pressed it down onto my skin, hurting a slight bit as she glided over some of the bigger stretch marks. Mr. Robot walked over to the front of Layla's desk and leaned on it. I looked to my right where the monitor was to look at them, gosh they look so much like actual babies by now, I don't even need Layla to tell me what everything is, you can clearly tell, I'm sure you can tell no problem as well. 

"Okay, so Baby A is in position and baby B is still breech... They're a good size, the placenta is in the right spot..."

"Wait, breech... didn't that mean something? Ah, yes It's coming to me now, that means it the wrong way around, well that's not good is it?" 

I hate that he knows what strings to pull.

"Oh, I sure do and imma keep pulling them as long as possible."

"Everything alright, Elliot?" Darlene asked, holding one of my hands. 

I only nodded in response. 

"One of them is the wrong way round, isn't it?" I was fiddling with my fingers in my lap. 

"It's alright, it's nothing to worry about, he can still flip at any time and if he doesn't we could try turning him manually." Layla was solely focused on her work. 

Once she had made sure everything is as it should be she turned the machine off and put the wand away, I took a paper towel and wiped my stomach clean. 

"Right. Elliot, we need to talk." 

She sat behind her desk while Darlene and I sat on the opposite side, Mr. Robot stood behind me. 

"I'm gonna get straight to the point, while you're still in good health, they are doing great, saying that I'm going to put you on steroids to help develop their lungs to make sure they will have a better chance when they're born as well as help with the Pre-eclampsia and in three weeks, I want to induce you." 

My head snapped up to look at her.

"I'm thinking it would be best if we had everything ready in a controlled setting at a precise time to decrease the likelihood of something going wrong." 

"Ha! Decrease the likelihood of something going wrong. It's already gone wrong when you started this, it's too late." Mr.Robot sounded cocky.

"No." 

"What? Elliot, listen to her." Darlene protested. 

"I don't want to." 

Layla leaned forward on her forearms and looked at me dead serious.

"This isn't going to happen like it did with Alex, Elliot, this is potentially a very risky medical procedure. You're gonna have to come to the hospital, get admitted, I'm gonna have to assemble a team of Doctors, very trustworthy people to not rat you out all over the news. You can't just do as you please, not this time. As much as I don't want this to happen I can't rule out the eventual possibility of a c-section. " 

My jaw tightened at the mention. 

"Haha, look at that kiddo, looks like they're gonna have to cut you open, they're going to gut you like a pig. A big nasty pregnant pig, they're going to cut you up and pull your poor little piglets out for slaughter."

"Shut up." I spoke quickly under my breath. 

"I beg your pardon?" 

"I don't want to be induced, thirty-three weeks isn't enough, it's too early, I want to go as long as possible, give them as much time as they need."

"Elliot, you should be ready ahead of time." Darlene argued knowing full well Layla would back her up.

"Then do it now, be prepared now, for anything, and when the time comes it'll be fine." 

"Are you sure you want to play it that way, Elliot?" Layla clearly sounded apprehensive about my decision.

"And what if something happens but you're not prepared huh? It'd be much smarter to come to an appointed date. But you weren't that smart, to begin with, what if your precious little Doc here, goes out of town, or is unavailable when you go into labor huh? You can't predict that." 

"I said shut up!" This time I spoke openly, my voice raised in annoyance.

"Hey, what's going on?" Darlene could see something isn't right. 

"Yeah, you know what's not right? You are, you're a scared piece of shit, that's made a huge mistake and now you don't know how to get out of it. You can't even afford two apartments and you're trying for more kids? Fucking hilarious kiddo, You've fucked yourself up financially, physically, mentally and you fucked the kid up too. Thanks, _DAD."_

The more he spoke the more the blood in my veins boiled. 

"Why did you even start all of this again? Oh yes, because _Aleksh wants a sis-er..."_ He mocked.

"Boo-Hoo! How pathetic, now even the kid doesn't want them! You're alone Elliot, you're scared and alone just like you were in that alleyway three years ago."

With as much strength as I could muster in my state, I stood up and pinned him up to the wall, hard. 

"Elliot!" Both girls gasped.

"A part of you remembers, it always has, you're scared, Elliot. Alex is mine, I had to suffer because of that bastard, if not for me he wouldn't exist, and you dare take that for granted, and having more kids like that first experience wasn't scary enough? I should have never done anything that day and just let you be the victim - just like you always were." 

As he spoke, my mind went back to that night, before everything had changed, visions of undiscovered memories flashed in front of me, showing me glimpses of the crude and lewd sexual act, the abuse that had happened that night a now fresh searing wound. I remembered the dirty, empty corner behind a building where no one dared look, a puddle reflecting a single dingy yellow old bulb, the only source of light serving as a spotlight for my attacker. The more I remembered the more I saw, the more I heard, the low droning sound of street passersby indicating the world's indifference to a person in need, the rough and tired sound of his rhythmic panting and the pained cries that had lost the will to escape my lips. The feel of wet cardboard on my thigs as my face was pushed on the dirty asphalt by a booze-soaked, horny homeless pervert - the smell of whiskey and a nearby dumpster unmistakable. And the pain from his sloppy thrusts as his member assaulted the never before touched interior walls of my orifice, breaking my very inner soul. The feeling of tears streaming down my cheeks as my eyes once again wept violated by the painfully vivid memory once thought forgotten forever. 

Lost in my trance I hadn't noticed Mr. Robot's absence, now sobbing hard, I inched myself down to the ground helping myself with the wall, vaguely aware of Darlene and Layla's presence around me. 

The memories now unlocked, sent me into panic mode, I started hyperventilating as I cried, the circumstance, no longer hidden in the back of my mind.

I felt dirty, After all these years, I could feel the unwanted touch, subconsciously I squeezed my legs together, feeling the ghost of a touch on my inner thighs. My body began to shiver in fear and disgust at my own being, all I wanted to do was rip my skin off and bathe in bleach. I could feel my body tense up and a strong cramp ripped through my stomach making me flinch.

"Elliot, what's going on? Relax." Darlene spoke completely clueless, she kneeled on the floor and grabbed my elbow.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I screamed as soon as her hands made contact with my arm.

I sat there on the floor compressed into the tightest ball I could muster and sobbed hard, as my body shivered, the trauma freshly unearthed, the girls crouched in front of me, flabbergasted by my outburst not knowing what to do.

"Okay, what just happened?" Layla asked into thin air all the while Darlene tried to calm me down. 

I couldn't even make out what she was saying, all I could do was replay these offensive thoughts, again and again, reliving them for the first time every time. My panicked state remained, until as if through a fog I could vaguely hear her words, her voice calm and longing for an answer. 

"Elliot, it's me, it's Darlene, I'm with Layla, remember? We're at an appointment."

I blinked a couple of times, her words coming through to me, I looked around the room with foggy, glassy eyes as they slowly got sharper with every blink. 

"Hey, look at me." 

My head turned at her request and I looked straight into her eyes, the terror from mine suddenly reflecting in hers, my breathing steadily slowing down. I locked eyes with Darlene, the ice-blue of her irises keeping me focused, she grabbed my hand but this time I didn't protest. 

"Are you alright? Can you get up?" 

Without a word, I held onto her and she helped me to my feet, Layla stood beside us still stupefied by the abrupt event. We sat down like before, the two of them waiting for an explanation. It took me several drawn-out minutes before I had collected my mind well enough to construct a coherent sentence.

"He was here..." 

Once I finally spoke my voice was hoarse. 

"Who-?" Layla tried to question more but Darlene stopped her. 

"Elliot, what did he say?" 

She leaned closer and laid a hand on my thigh, I flinched my leg away from her still shivering and she drew her hand back. 

"I, remember..." I still hadn't actually looked at anything in the room, my eyes were zoned out, out of focus, in limbo.

"What?" 

"That night, in the alleyway... before Alex." 

At first, Darlene frowned not understanding and then it was as if a light went off in her brain, her eyes got huge and a mask of horror appeared on her face. 

"Oh my god..." 

She gingerly hugged me but I didn't hug back, my body, numb to any emotion other than self-pity. Layla was about to speak, not understanding a thing out of what just happened but Darlene didn't let her, instead, she grabbed her upper arm and both of them went behind a curtain in the back of the room. I guess she'll fill her in on everything... about Mr. Robot, my outbursts... how Alex came to be... I'm so disgusted with myself.

After they'd come back Layla said we'd speak more in detail next week, and Darlene and I made it back to the apartment. Darlene stayed for the night and the following week taking care of Alex, I don't know how I feel about him right now - I'm completely numb. The circumstances of his conception haunt me, he's half of that man... that... brute. I don't know what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always let me know what you thought.


	15. 418 I'm a Teapot

Late March - 32 weeks

Since Layla has labeled me as "high risk" I've got an appointment every week now, until the end of the pregnancy... personally I couldn't care less, I'm not learning anything new at this point. The twins are slowly getting mature enough to come out and I'm just feeling more and more like shit, it's so tiring that I can't even pick up Alexander any more - it's not like I've been doing much of that lately anyway... I don't know what happened, I can't stop associating him with that... that... - ugh, I've run out of words to describe that guy at this point. It's not like Alex's done anything to deserve this yet I've hardly had any normal contact with him in the past two weeks, Darlene has had him for the past three days now. I miss him, so much but every time I see his face... I... It just - hurts... too much. I can't really explain it and I'm worried that feeling will never go away, I'm scared. And Mr. Robot hasn't come back to taunt me yet, I hope he never comes back! It's all because of him! **Nothing would've ever happened if he hadn't been here in the first place, my life would've been normal and none of this would be happening, no fsociety, no 5/9, no Whiterose, no Abuse, no Alex, no Twins, no _NOTHING!_**

_Maybe I should give them up for adoption..._

I broke down in the corner of my room for the fuck knows whichever time I've done it in my life, the twins moving under the confines of my skin.

"Stop moving you little... vermins, argh - all you guys are is an incessant reminder of how shitty my life is, you're like a pop-up ad that doesn't turn off unless I exit the tab."

I hit my head back against the wall and left it there, closing my eyes and letting out a sigh. Absentmindedly I let my hand go up and under my shirt gently caressing the swell of my stomach, just as a Braxton Hicks clenched its grip on my abdomen, god how I hate these, they always make me nervous. They're just a pain in the ass now, a painful reminder that the twins are getting closer. I know! I don't need reminders several times a day. Fuck man, how did it get to this?

***

Last week we agreed with Layla that she won't induce me, I'll go as long as I have to, as much as I want this to be over already I really want to give them a chance, you know? I'm not sure about the steroids thought, I guess I'll take em if I have to, but she didn't say that - maybe she'll tell me something today.  
We walked down the hospital hallway in the direction of Layla's office, Alex holding both Darlene's and my hand, he insisted on it... We got to the door and Darlene knocked, after hearing 'Open' she grabbed the door handle, twisted it, and walked in. Alex walked in after her and then I was next, I hadn't had a proper look around the room, because I turned around and closed the door behind me as soon as I walked in. As I turned around Layla was sitting at her desk and someone was sitting across from her. 

"Krista?" 

"Hello, Elliot." 

Darlene walked in further into the room with Alex and encouraged me to sit down.

"The hell is this?" 

This was the last place I expected to see Krista. 

"Sit down, Elliot, let's have a talk." Layla motioned towards the empty chair.

"No, tell me what's going on?" 

"After what happened recently and the information that Darlene provided me with I thought it would be a good idea to contact your therapist." 

"What about patient confidentiality?" 

"I'm your primary care provider, I have access to this information if your health is at risk." 

"Well, it's not so you can lay off me."

"Elliot, when will you understand that you're a ticking time bomb, I've only agreed to let you keep going in hopes you'd quiet down but if you have those deep-rooted issues you have to do something about them."

This whole situation was making me madder by the second. 

"Having her here is not helping, just let me forget about everything and we'll deal with my fucked up head later." 

"Elliot!" Darlene scolded me for cursing in front of Alex.

"Whatever, either she's leaving or I'm leaving."

None of them moved and just stared me down, taking the initiative I turned around and left. As I waddled down the corridor I could hear Darlene calling out something about how I'll never make it back by myself - watch me. I was about to get to the elevators when she caught my arm, not far behind her was Krista. 

"Come on." She just looked at me honestly and went back to the office. 

I stood there for a moment arguing with myself whether I should go in, I was staring at the ground when someone walked up to me.

"Elliot." 

I looked up to see Krista.

"You should go in there, they're waiting for you, I didn't mean to intrude on you and wish you all the best, I hope all goes well in the coming weeks and hopefully I'll see you once you're ready. Have a good day, Elliot."

She walked right past me and walked into an elevator that had just opened, the sliding doors closed and her face was gone, there isn't really a reason for me to leave now, is there? I made my way back to the office and then began my appointment.

***

Early April - 33 weeks 

I'm so tired, everything is just piling up more and more, Layla keeps telling me to stay calm but I feel like I'd be calmer if I didn't have to see her every goddamned week. The closer to the birth the more everything is stressing me out, if it's not the twins then it's Alex, or Layla or Darlene, everyone's got a bone to pick with me, Nancy is the only one that doesn't expect anything from me. The only good thing that's happened recently is, Alex has stopped talking to thin air, or at least he doesn't do it that often - you see? I'm no good to him, he's doing way better with Darlene... and I'm no good to them either.

I've been lying in the tub for like forty minutes now, that hasn't happened in ages, usually, when Alex is around I only get a couple of minutes to myself but now that he's with Darlene I chose that opportunity to wind down a bit. I keep closing my eyes I'm that exhausted... _I should probably be making my way out, the water is starting to cool down._

 _I was about to lift myself up when a cramp stopped me in my tracks, weird, they've never been this strong, I tried again but the cramp was back, just as strong and painful for that matter. I sat back in the water feeling the ghost of pain in my middle._

_"What the fuck?"_

_This time I hadn't even managed to move when the cramp was there again, prompting a slight cry of pain to leave my mouth, I don't like where this is going... - don't stress yourself let's wait this out, it has to pass, it'll be fine._

_It didn't matter, the cramp was there again, just as strong if not stronger, I couldn't move, every time I tried a cramp would strike me like lightning. What is going on? Noticing the pain was all too familiar I panicked, this is not the moment for this to happen, I'm alone and can't move... shit my phone is on my dresser, fuck! A cramp got me again and this time something happened, something burst and the water between my legs turned murky with a swirl of blood._

_"No no no no no."_

_Please no, it's too early, they can't come now._

_My stomach tightened, becoming hard as a rock and the pain intensified tenfolds paralyzing me to the core, all I could do was suffer through it. Pressure in my pelvis quickly made itself apparent and before I knew it, the urge to push was impossible to resist._

_"Ugh, it's too early, please no - agh..."_

_As the next contraction came I pushed, my body too tired and uncomfortable to fight the inevitable urge, the emotional toll filling my eyes with ocean-salty tears. With every cramp and every push, I felt one of them slide down, the pressure, increasing with every quarter of an inch. I struggled for what felt like ages before the familiar burn assaulted the delicate flesh between my legs, I reached a tentative hand down underwater, afraid of what might be there. With the very tips of my fingers, I could barely feel a hard slightly rounded and sparsely haired form, as soon as my hand made contact it retracted, immediately disturbed by its discovery. I cried as the contraction persisted and the shoulders were making their way through, with one last push I felt the tiny body slither out and I quickly reached for it, taking it out of the water and into my arms. I had just managed to hold it steady when I had to push again, feeling the pressure increase with every second - the short moments I had between contractions I tried to make the baby cry shaking its lifeless purplish form. I pushed holding one of the twins with its head on my shoulder - it still hadn't cried, feeling as the other made its way through, the pain ripping me apart. Finally, the one I was holding hiccuped and began to wail next to my ear as the other twin had just slithered out into the dirty water, I grabbed ahold of it as best as I could, holding one in each arm, I stood up on shaky legs and stepped out of the tub, watered-down blood still sliding down my thighs and dripping onto the floor. I put one of them in the bathroom sink and grabbed the closest towels I could find to wrap them up in, just as I was wrapping the second one, another contraction froze me in place, I couldn't move once again, the pain was so strong. My legs almost gave out under me as I realized I had to push again... the two twins were shrieking their heads off and all I could do was buckle in pain, the whole of my body was screaming for it to be over, I kneeled down on the floor and felt something between my legs._

_"Agh, fuck."_

_I reached down with my hand and felt another head - what the fuck? I went down on all fours and pushed with the next contraction, my leg muscles quaking from exhaustion. As the contraction ripped through me I felt the mass move down and placed my hands down under me, ready to catch it, mere seconds later a tiny, lifeless, pale, blood-covered body fell into my hands. I sat down on the floor, spent, holding it in my hands, it was so small, about half the size of the other two, my own hands were shaking from shock, suddenly there was a loud thud in the other room._

***

I woke up suddenly, startled in the bathtub, the water cold as ice, and someone banging on the bathroom door with Flipper barking in the background. I looked around me, terrified, nothing had happened, the room was squeaky clean, the tiles white, the water clear as day, my stomach hadn't changed, I could feel my heart trying to jump out of my chest. 

"Elliot?! Are you in there? Open up?!"

It was a dream, fuck... Still a bit groggy I tried my best to make it out of the tub, wrapped a towel around my hips, and unlocked the door, as soon as the lock clicked, they opened revealing Darlene on the other side, Alexander in her arms. 

"Daddy!" He screamed excited, reaching out for me. 

I sat on the edge of the tub, my body slowly calming down. Darlene just stood there still holding Alex, waiting for me to say something. 

"Jesus your stomach is a mess." She commented seeing the red angry stretch marks clearly for the first time.

"Yeah, thanks...."

"You okay?" 

"Yeah..." 

"You sure? You're as white as a sheet." 

"I fell asleep in the tub again, I had a nightmare, it's nothing." I rubbed my face with my hand.

"If you say so..." She looked at me, apprehensive.

"Since you're alright, I'll let you get dressed, and wait on the couch, Alex really wanted to see you." 

Huh? Why does he want to see me? He wasn't happy with me last time I saw him... Regardless, as Darlene asked, I got dressed and met them back on the couch, as soon as I sat down Alex jumped up on me and hugged me tightly. 

"Daddy." His voice was muffled in my neck but it sounded kind of sad.

I hugged him back just as tight, I haven't seen him in so long, it feels good for him to be back.

"Baby..." Oh, I haven't called him that in so long. 

We let go of each other and I finally had a chance to look at his face, it was only a little over a week but I feel like I haven't seen him in months. 

"I miss you, Daddy." There was a slightly sad expression etched into his face. 

"I missed you too Baby." I held his face on either cheek taking his features in. 

It seemed the twins were as happy as I was since they had begun to make a fuss, causing my skin to twist in all sorts of different ways.

"Sister..." Alex mused under his breath seeing my stomach move.

"You know, it's not just a sister, Alex, you're having a brother too." 

He drew back a bit, confused?

"Brother?" 

"Yeah, there's a little girl and a little boy in Daddy's belly, your sister, and your brother." I don't know why, but somehow his absence and now telling him (for like the hundredth time) he's having siblings made me all mushy and tears filled my eyes. 

"Daddy no cry." He sloppily wiped my tears away. 

I chuckled at his cuteness and suddenly my phone buzzed with a text message, I looked at the screen - Darlene. I looked up to see it was just Alex and me in the room, I hadn't even heard her leave. 

_Dolores Haze_ **• I only came to drop him off, it's obvious it was time for you two to reunite, you'll do fine Elliot, trust me, he loves you too much.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much time left.


	16. 218 This Is Fine

April - 34 weeks 

Here we are again, another stressful visit at Layla’s - it’s not stressful because I’m worried or anything, just the way Layla has been behaving keeps me on edge, she keeps going against me. My car rides to the hospital are already anxiety-inducing enough, I don’t need her overbearing tone to add to it.

My BP has been crazy high this last week, Layla almost flipped her shit on me, it kind of scared me, to be honest.

"...Elliot? You okay? You spaced out a bit there."

"Huh? Oh, no... I was just thinking."

She was about to put the pressure cuff around my bicep but stopped and dropped her hands.

"And what is it that you’re thinking about?"

"Nothing"

"You sure? Because you’ve had the same pensive expression for our past three appointments, Elliot if something is bugging you, you can tell me."

I sighed a shallow breath, my lungs crowded by the twins.

"Don’t take this the wrong way... just, ever since you found out about my issues... you’re mean. You’ve always had a bit of an edge but I just feel like you’re angry with me."

Her mouth opened a little, taken aback and then closed again, she put the pressure cuff off to the side and looked away biting her lips, it took a moment before she looked back.

"I don’t mean to be mean... I just- I don’t want anything to go wrong, I don’t want to fuck up Elliot. Like I told you in the beginning, this isn’t my field of expertise, the further along you are the more scared I get because I’m worried something will go wrong and I can’t let that happen. You have to understand, everything you’ve done in the past month and what I’ve learned about you has crossed my plans all along the way, increasing your risk of premature labor every so often. I was just scared for you..."

She laid a hand on my thigh.

"But it won’t be long now, huh." She smiled.

"I’m sorry if I’ve been mean to you, it’s just- I’m not usually under this much pressure, I’m not used to it."

I keep forgetting everyone’s got their own demons... I should’ve figured she’s under a lot of stress too.

"I’m sorry."

She frowned.

"What for?"

"That was selfish, of course, you’re scared too..."

The hand she had on my thigh was now rubbing it.

"It’s okay Elliot, I can’t imagine what you must be feeling after all you went through. Don’t worry about me, once they’ll be here I’ll be fine - whereas you, it’s gonna get even harder... remember - I’m here for you if you ever need an extra pair of hands."

She giggled at her offer, making me scoff a bit. Now that we had that sorted out she got back to her examination, she’s still not happy about my blood pressure but at least she’s not mad about it. Nothing's really changed this past couple of weeks, everything is the same, the only variable has been my BP, the boy still hasn't turned and he won't, I just know he won't, it's too late... Layla says we could still try and turn him before labor but I don't think it'll work... I have this feeling, something will go wrong.

"I've been meaning to talk to you about something Elliot."

We were now sitting at her desk and I was holding two ultrasound pictures of each baby's profile, I need to put these up on the fridge.

"Yeah?" I was still focused on the pictures in my lap.

"I know this is none of my business but I wanted to let you know; If you ever... decided... you didn't want any more kids, we could take care of that for you."

Huh? What?

"What do you mean?" I focused my attention on her.

"I'm not trying to scare you but IF we're gonna do a c-section, then we could tie your tubes or perform a hysterectomy which involves removal of the uterus." 

I just sat there, confused.

"I don't understand, why are you telling me this?" 

"Listen, I'm not forcing you to do anything but, are you planning on having more kids?"

"No." I looked down at the pictures in my lap.

"Exactly... I just kind of thought, maybe... when this is over, you wouldn't want to have to think about it anymore and in terms of health reasons - by removing the uterus we're decreasing the likelihood of reproductive cancers."

It would be nice, not to always have that in the back of my mind and she's right, it's not like I'll be needing these parts in the future... But is that right? This came so out of left field that I'm not sure what to think right now, I need to process this, I've never thought about it. 

"...Give me time, I'll think about it."

"Sure." 

***

I finally managed to make it onto my floor, it's not even that many steps but it takes me forever to got up them now, I unlocked the door and stepped inside, realizing I'm still alone, I forgot Alex is at Daycare today. We've been getting along so well lately that I miss him too much, yeah I missed him all the time but now, it's like I can't wait. I rummaged in one of my cabinets looking for a couple of magnets, my hand knocking several useless objects out of the way until it fell on a flash drive. Huh? What's that? I put it aside, I don't remember what's on it - I'll check it out later. I finally managed to find a couple of magnets - for a second I thought I didn't have any left. I pulled the two ultrasound pictures out and stuck 'em on the fridge, right next to Alexander's picture, I looked at the date on the old ultrasound -03-15-2017-... March 2017, it's the date of my first ever appointment with Layla, that was three years ago but at the same time feels like it was just yesterday, how odd. Didn't I have two pictures from that day? I went back to my desk to look into the second drawer and there it was, a 3D scan of Alex's face, he already looked so much like once he was born, I had forgotten I'd left it there... I pulled it out, found another magnet and stuck it on the fridge too, just as the apartment door opened wide and in ran my little rascal.

"DADDY!!"

Alex ran up to me and clung to my leg at tightly as he could, I can't pick him up anymore, my back would snap if I did - both, him and I hate that fact. Darlene entered right after him, walked up and held him in her arms so he'd be at eye level with me. 

"Look, Baby, that's your siblings." I pointed at the two images printed mere hours ago. 

"Sister and Brother!" He exclaimed. 

"Yeah." 

Darlene leaned in a bit closer noticing the other picture. 

"Hey, that's Alexander, that's our little dumpling." She pinched his cheek, I can already tell he hates it when she does that. 

"Where did you find it." 

"Oh, it was at the bottom of the drawer." I vaguely pointed towards my desk. 

"Where Alex?" Baby hates being excluded out of conversations, especially if they're about him, haha.

"Right here, look." I pointed at the printout. 

"That's you in Daddy's belly." 

I tickled at his sides and he broke out into a fit of sweet giggles - oh, how I've missed those. I was already standing too long on my feet and my back was killing me, so I went over and sat down at my desk, the chair, creaking under my weight. I once again noticed the flash drive and decided to plug it in, the folder automatically opened revealing pictures from my first pregnancy, I sat back in my chair reminiscing - the piece of furniture once again groaning under my girth. After a short conversation with Alex about the pictures on the fridge, Darlene walked over to me, still holding him in her arms.

"What's that?" 

She set him down and he climbed up onto my lap. I clicked a random picture to show her - it was the one where I was nursing Alex. 

"Hey, I didn't know you still had them." 

"Yeah, me neither." 

She leaned in a bit, going through the rest of the pictures. 

"Look, Baby, that's you." 

A video of one of my ultrasounds started playing and Alex looked completely confused. 

"Yeah, that's you in Daddy's belly, just like your siblings are now."

His face was so puzzled, maybe he is still a little bit too young to understand where he came from but I guess it won't hurt to show him. 

I suddenly winced hard as one of the twins gave me a solid kick somewhere close to my liver, Alex looked at me concerned.

"Daddy hurt?" 

"It's okay Baby, it's just your siblings being little devils." I rubbed my stomach on the aching spot.

When I stopped, Alex pulled up my t-shirt and spoke to the twins. 

"Bad sister, bad brother, you don't hurt Daddy!" 

His voice was somewhat stern, as he put both his hands on my skin for emphasis, Darlene and I chuckled at his antics. 

"It's okay, Baby, they don't mean it." 

I rubbed one of his cheeks with my knuckle to calm him down, we watched a couple more of the pictures that were on the USB drive and soon after Darlene left, leaving Alex, Flipper, and I to our own devices.

***

It was somewhere around 9 PM when I finally got Alex to brush his teeth and change into his pajamas, the two of us were now on my mattress with Flipper sleeping at my feet. 

"I want sister, Daddy." He snuggled closer to my belly, one of his hands resting on it. 

"Soon, Baby, it won't be much longer now." 

"When?" 

"That, I don't know." I chuckled as I caressed his head.

"Story..." He spoke, tired. 

I reached over to my dresser, almost not being able to grab the book off the top - I need to move it closer sometime. 

Almost falling over on my side, I finally grabbed the slim novelette and positioned myself in bed, Baby snuggling up to me, his cheek making contact with my skin as I have finally run out of shirts that fit, the ones I wear during the day ride up my stomach anyway. I reached an arm around him, opened the book, and started reading.

"In the great green room  
There was a telephone..."

I was only two lines in when Alex began to recite the book along with me, in his meek tired voice. I've read him Goodnight Moon so many times, he knows it by heart, I should probably buy some other books now that I think of it. 

"...And a quiet old lady who was whispering 'hush'." 

Both Alex and I put our index fingers to our lips for the word 'hush', I could feel the twins squirming around as they can't move too much but the sound of my voice still excites them. Every time I read to Baby or speak for a prolonged amount of time I can feel them stirring beneath my skin and sometimes you can see, little hands or feet poking through.

"...Good night light  
And the red balloon  
Good night bears  
Good night chairs..."

The longer it went on I could feel Baby slowly drifting away as he fought sleep, trying to stay awake, reciting every other word along with me.

"And good night Flipper" 

Ever since I put Flipper in the story I've always done it, makes it more special. 

"Good night stars  
Good night air  
Good night noises everywhere." 

I closed the book and set it aside on the floor, I didn't want to bother Alexander too much by moving. 

"Good night Alex." I kissed the top of his head. 

"Good night Brother and Sister." 

His speech was slurred with sleep as he leaned in and kissed the taut skin on my stomach.

"Good night Daddy." 

This time he gave me a kiss on the cheek and settled back under the comforter, closing his eyes for the last time that day. Brother and Sister... They need names, don't they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock, Tick-Tock...


	17. 301 Moved Permanently

April - 36 weeks

I think my nausea is coming back - god, this sucks - I've been having a lot more Braxton Hicks contractions lately, especially today, they're bothering me like crazy.

I was just sitting in the kitchen with Nancy, she made me drink pickle juice that she made herself, trying to persuade me that it's good for me and it's full of vitamins - you know, as much as I've had different cravings over the past few months, pickles are the last thing I'd be going for, I only did it to be nice. And now I'm paying the price for it, as I'm pretty sure it's making me ill... 

"You see, it wasn't that bad." 

She took my glass and rinsed it under the faucet, setting it aside to dry. Baby cocked his head at me, from his seat to my left. I felt my stomach cramp and my nausea doubled, in fear I'd spill anything, I made it to the bathroom just in time for the pickle juice to make its grand reappearance. Just as the last of it landed in the toilet bowl, I felt the underside of my belly tighten in an all too familiar way - I groaned at the unwarranted pain. 

"Oh, my goodness, Darling. Are you alright?" 

Nancy stood by the door frame, slight guilt on her face. 

"I didn't think, it would disagree with you that much." She covered her mouth with her hand, concerned. 

"It's fine Nancy, it wasn't you're fault, I was already sick beforehand." 

I took my phone out of my pocket to check the time. If this is what I think it is, then I better keep track. 

Thankfully, I managed to calm her down and convince her not to blame herself, the poor woman, she's been walking like on eggshells around me lately, I don't want her to stress too much. Sometime later, she went back to her apartment and I was about to turn some cartoons on for Alex when I felt that tightness again. Thirty-nine minutes from the last one, alright, that doesn't prove anything yet. I stood for a moment, my eyes shut, riding out the pain when Alex spoke up. 

"Are you okay, Daddy?" His eyes were big with concern. 

"Yeah, yeah, Daddy's good, Baby, nothing to worry about." 

I spoke only once the pain had stopped, I turned the cartoons on and sat with Alex watching. We were just watching an episode of 'Postman Pat' when the tightness was there again, I unintentionally squeezed Alex close to me, trying to ride out the pain so obviously he noticed. 

"What wrong, Daddy?" He turned to look at me. 

"Nothing Baby, nothing." 

I spoke as I saw it was thirty-six minutes from the last one.

"You might just meet your sister and brother real soon." 

"Really?!" He turned around to me all bouncy. 

"Uh-huh." 

About thirty-four minutes later, another cramp struck me, and this time I couldn't help the slight grimace of pain, Luckily Alexander was too consumed by the screen to notice. I sat in silence, riding it out, it seemed like this one was the longest of the bunch so far and after that, I think it's safe to say, I'm having contractions - Four contractions in the last one and a half-hour in regular intervals... It's happening. 

Baby had dozed off for an afternoon nap, while I cleaned up the place a little bit - I don't know... sudden urge. I had just taken a swing from a bottle of water when the fifth contraction hit, this time I decided to text Darlene. 

__I'M HAVING CONTRACTIONS_ - send at 16:25_

About a minute later my phone started to buzz - she's calling me. 

"Are, you sure?!" Her voice was unusually high on the other end of the receiver.

"After five contractions, around half an hour apart, Yes, Darlene, I am sure." 

"God, Elliot, they're coming." She sounded fairly alarmed.

"I know." 

"How are you not, freaking out about this?" Her voice had calmed down, somewhat impressed by my serenity.

"I'm not sure, actually, I guess after having Alex, I kind of know what to expect so, I'm not that concerned." 

"Alright, makes sense. How is he, by the way? Do you want me to pick him up or something?" 

"No, it's fine for now, he's asleep, I'll be fine." I looked back at Alexander's sleeping form slightly worried. 

"Okay, well if you need anything, just call, I'll drop by later, see how you're doing - **_AND_** call Layla, let her know what's going on."

"Yeah, will do, captain." 

"Right, take care, Elliot."

I didn't reply but waited for her to hang up first. 

I don't even know how I kept my composure for that phone call, I'm filliping out, I don't want to call Layla either - something is going to happen, I can feel it. 

I postponed my call to Layla for the pure reason that I was scared, but somewhere after 5PM I called her, not only were the contractions getting closer together but they were really beginning to hurt now. 

"Hello?" Layla sounded surprised I called her. 

"It's time." My words were a bit airy as I had just sat through a contraction. 

"The twins, they're coming..."

"Okay, Elliot, stay calm, have you been having contractions?"

"Uh-huh." I don't know why I nodded, she can't even see me.

"How far apart?"

"Twenty-six minutes." 

Alex was still asleep as I rubbed his back with my hand. 

"Alright, go on about your day now, and call me when they're around seven minutes, I'll come, get you."

"Come get me?" 

"Yeah. I thought it'd be easier that way unless you rather get there in a cab..."

"Yeah, no, you're right, I just hadn't thought that far ahead since last time we did it here." 

God, I don't wanna go to the hospital.

"That's understandable, you'll call me later then, it'll be alright Elliot, you'll see." 

"Yeah..."

My response sounded more like a sigh as I hung up the phone, Alex stirred under my hand, waking up.

"Daddy..." His voice was still a bit sleepy. 

"Yes, Baby?" 

"Can we go out to play today?" 

"No, not today." 

"Why?" He quizzed. 

"Well, something is happening to Daddy, so we can't go play, you can play with Antie Darlene later though." 

"I want Daddy." He made just about the cutest pout ever. 

"But I can't, Baby."

"Why?" 

"Your siblings are coming, they're gonna come out of Daddy's stomach, so I can't go play." 

His face turned to excitement at the mention of the twins' arrival and then a puzzled look hung upon his soft features. 

"How do they come out." 

He asked at the same time as he grabbed onto the sides of my belly, confused. Shit, I didn't expect him to ever ask that, I don't know what to tell him; What should I tell him, friend? Jesus, how do you explain the concept of childbirth to a toddler? 

"Uh, Doctor Layla... is coming, to take Daddy to the Hospital... and... she will give Daddy some medicine... and then, the Babies in Daddy's belly will come out." 

"When?" He asked, excited again.

Ugh, this kid is full of questions today, but at least he didn't question my answer. 

"I don't know Baby, but it will probably be another few hours, your Sister and your Brother have to get ready first. 

"Ooooh." 

"Yeah..." Good, enough I guess.

"Can I play with them, after?!"

"Haha, no, Baby, they're too young, they won't even be able to walk yet." I slightly giggled at his sudden enthusiasm and the subsequent fall of his face. 

Just as I was rubbing his back to comfort him a little, I heard the apartment door open and Darlene walked in. 

"I didn't call." 

"Yeah, well, I'm here anyway, I'm just too excited right now." 

She must've run since you could hear her breathing heavily, she dropped her backpack and walked up to us. 

"So you ready for the hospital, got your bag all set up?" 

"What bag?" I frowned. 

"Your hospital bag... Elliot, you know you're gonna be there for a while right? You need a change of clothes, your toiletries, shi- stuff like that." 

I hadn't thought of that. 

"Sorry." I looked at the floor. 

She sighed. 

"Don't be sorry, I know this isn't your strong suit." 

She walked over to the little closet on the left of my bed and found an old little gym bag, walking around the apartment she began stuffing things into it without a word. I groaned as a contraction pinned me in place, Alex's eyes filled with worry - he could tell I was hurting. 

"It's okay, honey, Daddy's okay." 

"Honey?" I could hear Darlene snicker in the distance. 

I closed my eyes still riding out the contraction. 

"Darlene, two human beings are about to come out of me, please don't get on my nerves, he's my son, I get to call him whatever I want."

Finally, the pain let go. 

About an hour later not much had changed, my contractions were getting closer and stronger being somewhere around eighteen minutes apart now. Darlene made sure I was ready to leave while I took my time with Alex since I knew I wouldn't see him for a while. I was just feeding him some mashed bananas when there was a knock at the door.

"Hi, Nancy." Darlene greeted her inside. 

"Hello, sweetheart, I'm just popping in for a second, I forgot my glasses."

"But you're wearing them." I pointed out. 

She walked in closer and found another pair of glasses on my kitchen counter by the fridge.

"It's a second pair I keep just in case I lose mine, but since you're just one door over I thought I'd just pop in and get them." 

Since my contractions were closer together they were showing up more frequently, and just as Nancy turned to speak to Darlene, a bad cramp wrapped itself around my stomach, making me groan as I squeezed my eyes shut. 

"Oh, Dear, are you Alright?" She stepped closer. 

"It's a contraction, he's in labor." Darlene spoke for me.

"Oh, my days, what lovely news. We'll finally get to meet these lovely babies of yours, aww."

She walked over and hugged me.

"How are you feeling?" 

"I'm good." I focused back on feeding Alex, Nancy walked over to him a gave him a kiss on the top of his head.

"I guess I'll see you later then." She gave everyone a smile and left.

***

The more time went by the harder it was to not let the pain show on my face, I don't want Alex to worry. I called Layla to pick me up since my contractions are close to seven minutes apart, I'll have to go... I don't want to leave Baby, I can't help feeling that something bad is going to happen, something just doesn't feel right. 

"You ready Elliot? Layla will be here in five." 

I just sort of nodded in agreement. 

Darlene sat at the table with me. 

"Hey, what's up?" 

"Nothing." 

I was playing with Baby in my lap. 

"Elliot, I can tell you're thinking about something, what is it?"

"I don't know... I just- When I was having Alex, I loved him, I knew I loved him but I didn't feel anything after he was born, I wasn't sure I'd be a good parent. Now that the twins are coming I'm excited, but I keep feeling something's gonna go wrong, Darlene. We've gone all this way, and I am so scared that I'll lose them." 

Slight tears began to prick at my eyes, she grabbed one of my hands rubbing the top of it with her thumb.

"It's gonna be okay, Elliot, They are going to be okay, look at you, you made it to thirty-six weeks, they're almost full term, it's gonna be alright, you have nothing to fear. I'll be there with you the whole time; Do you want Alexander to come with?" 

"It's quarter to nine, he'll want to sleep soon, I don't think he'll want to come." 

"Well, let's ask him; Dumpling, do you want to come with Daddy to the hospital? Do you want to keep Daddy company for a bit?" 

He nodded with his whole head. 

"You see?" Darlene was being smug again.

"Yeah, but he can't be there all the time, someone's gonna have to take care of him." 

"We'll cross that bridge when we'll get to it."

God, I love this kid - and to think I didn't feel anything when he was born...

"Eww - Daddy." He suddenly spoke, disgusted. 

Both Darlene and I looked on as Alex was pushing himself off of me and standing on the floor.

"Daddy peed." He exclaimed. 

I had never seen him be so offended by anything before, nevertheless once I had stopped to think about what he was talking about I felt as the crotch area of my sweatpants was getting more and more soaked. 

"Aw, man." 

I let my head hang back, embarrassed, as Darlene began to laugh. 

"Haha, it's not pee Alex, your Daddy's waters just broke." 

"Water?" He totally didn't understand a word of what she just said to him. 

"Yeah, it means your siblings are coming soon." 

I stood up to the bathroom to change into a clean pair of pants, as the ones I was wearing were practically drenched to the knees at this point all the while I could hear Baby's cheery excitement at the news. I stood for a moment at the sink thinking things through, I looked up at the mirror and saw Mr. Robot standing behind me, as soon as I turned around he wasn't there. What the fuck? 

While I was changing I heard some commotion in the big room, Layla must've arrived as there was a distant knock, Flipper started barking and then two female voices having a conversation. 

"Yeah, come in. We're ready, he'll be right out, his waters just broke so he's changing." 

"Hi, Little man, are you excited, you're finally going to meet your baby brother and baby sister."

All I could hear was Alex bouncing all over the place. Once finally dressed I walked out of the bathroom, to see everyone sitting on the sofa. 

"How, are you feeling, Elliot?" Layla stood up and asked me to sit down instead. 

Once I did, a contraction wrapped itself all around my stomach, coming from my back, to travel all the way down into my thighs, I struggled hard, trying not to curse at the pain in Baby's presence. 

"So far so good, I've been nauseous all day and now the contractions are getting incredibly painful, I guess not much has changed." I spoke only once I could. 

"And whom should I thank for your sour mood?" 

I didn't answer her but I saw Darlene give her an uncertain look, an - 'I'll talk to you later' - kind of a look. 

Before we went out to the car though, Layla did a quick check-up, and aside for my ever-rising blood pressure, everything seemed to be in line. We left Fipper with Nancy before walking out. 

While she drove, Layla didn't seem in any particular hurry, it's not like I'm about to give birth to twins or anything. My suspicions of something going awry were rising since it looks like after six weeks of absence, he's back to haunt me. Every stoplight we stayed at, I saw him, walking around with his paper cup, asking people for some spare change, at some point, he almost walked up to our car but Layla pulled away in time. While we were walking into the hospital, every window I passed he was there, this gloomy figure lurking in the shadows, this sign... foreshadowing the unknown. 

"I called my team up, to get ready when you phoned me earlier, so everything is set up, all there is to do is sign you in." Layla spoke suddenly, bringing me out of my thoughts. 

We were in the elevator when another contraction struck. 

_"Motherfucker..."_

I grumbled under my breath, holding onto my stomach, my other hand white-knuckling the elevator railing, they're definitely getting closer together, now. 

"Is Daddy okay?" I heard Alex speak to Darlene.

She kneeled down to talk to him. 

"Yeah, Daddy's okay, he's just in pain, but it's okay, it'll go away in a while." 

She grabbed his little hands in hers for reassurance and I saw him look at me with this worry in his eyes. Can he feel it too? Or is he just mirroring me again? This is not a good time to do that kiddo. I asked Darlene to hold him up for me. 

"Hey, Baby, what's up?" I caressed his head.

"Scared." 

His voice was meek, barely audible.

"You're scared?" 

He nodded.

"And why is that?"

"Daddy hurt." 

"That's alright, Baby look at me, Daddy's okay, I'm okay, I'm just a little bit uncomfortable but that's good 'cause you're going to meet your siblings soon." 

"Okay..." 

Once again, his voice was meek and his usual excitement at the mention of the twins was none existent, he just looked at me with big uncertain eyes. 

We finally made it onto the floor where my room is, we walked in and a nurse was already inside, organizing towels in the bathroom.

"Oh, great, Elliot, this is Stacy, she's one of the two nurses that will be helping us." 

The nurse looked our way when she heard Layla speak, she walked up to me saying how she's excited to meet me, I didn't really say anything, just looked away and went to sit on the bed. I never liked the fact Layla brought in strangers, but I understand she needs them - doesn't mean I have to like it. 

"Okay... so, I'll take Darlene with me and sign you in while you stay here with Alex, and Stacy will get you all set up, we'll be right back." 

The girls left, Alex and I were on the bed while the nurse, kinda stood there awkwardly. After a couple seconds, she regained her composure and began preparing some machines. While she did that I went into the bathroom as I was asked to change into a hospital gown - what a hideous piece of cloth, I barely managed to get dressed by myself and went back to the bed. I could tell she was trying not to make eye contact while she was around me, setting up a pair of wide bands on my stomach, apparently, they monitor the twins' heart rate, with these little boxes, one on each side of my belly for each twin, and another band to keep track of the contractions, then she put an IV in my arm which Alex didn't like very much, I'm not sure what that's for. Just about then, the girls walked back into the room - Layla walked over with a chart in her hands. 

"Right, we've got you all signed in, Darlene helped me with some of the information, now, I will check you, and we'll see if it's time for the epidural."

A smile appeared on her face, a smile she probably puts on for all of her patients, this smile designed to make you feel at ease - it made me more nervous than anything. 

"An epidural?"

"It's standard protocol for multiples, you don't have to worry." 

Darlene walked over to a chair in the corner and sat there with Alex, the nurse walked out the door while Layla sat at the end of the bed on a stool. I've dreaded this moment for a while, in the past three months she only checked me like, twice, and that was before my meltdown... after that, I didn't let her, the memory was too painful. 

"Darlene, take Alexander outside." 

She gave me a questioning look for a second but walked out anyway. 

"I know this is hard for you Elliot, but there's no stalling it now."

Layla faced me while putting on her gloves, even though every fiber in my body was telling me not to do it, I let my legs part and looked up at the ceiling. Not long after I felt the cold shape of her fingers up my orifice, almost jolting my legs closed. 

"Easy now, this will only last ten seconds." I could feel her other hand holding my shin, once she was done she let go. I breathed in a breath a didn't know I was holding. 

"Good news, you're at four centimeters, I'll have the anesthesiologist come in and give you the epidural."

I didn't react, just looked away thought the window, it was already dark outside so I saw her reflection leave the room in exchange for Darlene and Alex to walk in, she let him get on the bed with me. 

"Daddy." 

He tried to hug me as another painful contraction wrapped itself around my stomach making me twist in agony. As soon as it stopped I hugged him back trying to keep him calm. 

"Are you good Baby? Do you want to go back home?" 

He shook his head.

"I wanna stay with Daddy." 

"Are you sure? We're going to be here for a while." 

I rubbed his back soothingly, he nodded in agreement.

"And how are you holding up, Elliot?" 

Darlene sat back on the chair in the corner. 

"I'm fine." 

I answered with no real care, playing with Baby on the hospital bed, just to dismiss her question. We sat there in the ambient sound of the room, another two contractions went by when all of a sudden there was a man at the door. 

"Good evening, I'm Doctor Robertson, I'll be your Anesthesiologist today." 

The words came out of his mouth perfectly, probably the result of saying the exact same thing every time he walks into a room. He lifted his eyes from my chart and looked at me, the unease in my eyes was probably impossible not to notice. 

We skipped the small talk and he got to work - Alex was sitting in the big chair in the corner, his eyes closed, he was so tired but he was still trying to stay awake for me. I laid on my side, the back of the gown open as Darlene held my hand. I groaned as I felt the needle enter my spinal cord, white-knuckling Darlene's hand all the while she had her other hand on my stomach. Slowly as the catheter in my spine filled with fluid, I felt a tingling creeping in my toes as it casually made it's way up my legs, to my lower abdomen. Any subsequent contraction faded to where I almost couldn't feel it. The pain seemingly, gone but the tightness and pressure rising with every spasm. 

It was way past ten PM now, Alex and Darlene both fell asleep in the chair, so someone from the staff laid a blanket over them. The passage of time had now become tedious, I can't walk because of the epidural, this bed acting as a prison for an indefinite amount of time - it's driving me mad. In my endless train of thought, I stared out the window, the pitch-black darkness outside swallowing any remnants of my hope for a good outcome to this chapter of my existence; When a sudden flash of light illuminated the city skyline promptly followed by a crash of thunder. My first reaction is to look at Alex to see if he's awake but it seems today's heaviness was too much for him, as he remained snuggled up into Darlene's neck. I went back to staring out the window, as another flash lit up the city only this time reflecting the form of the dreaded man. I looked back into the empty room, his shadow only visible, once lightning settled upon the walls. One light, a second light, and a third... he did nothing, he spoke nothing. 

"What do you want?" I challenged the empty room.

"Why are you here?" 

Nothing but his ever-present shadow. 

"If you're not going to explain yourself then you might as well just fuck off!" 

His presence taunted me with every fallen second. The ghostly tightness felt with every contraction, like a metronome, the ticking time bomb to my anger. The helplessness caused by the paralysis fueling my anxiety, in fear of what I don't know. 

"What do you want?"

...

_"WHAT_ \- do you _want?"_

... 

**_"WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT?!"_ **

The blood in my body boiled as with my last question, the loudest thunder yet, rumbled - waking my Baby from his peaceful night's sleep with a wave of tears from his precious emerald eyes. He screamed bloody murder, calling out for me as the shadow on the wall was no more. Vanished.  
Darlene, hastily pasted him over to me, to console him, as my own heart was still beating like a hare's, running from his hunter. 

***

Not surprisingly, Layla was once again right, this time isn't like the last - while that time I had Alex I managed to get a nap once or twice, this time despite how tired I am, for the life of me I can't fall asleep, even with the faded contractions, which kinda feel like they're coming back, no position is comfortable enough for me to rest.

The contractions are definitely way stronger now, I can just feel it in my muscles, this squeezing sensation that is now slowly sending small signals of pain to my brain. The clock struck midnight like ten minutes ago, and I'm just about out of my mind with Layla coming in to check me every half hour or so. I can't even remember how it was the first time, it's all blending into one at this point - All I know is, there's an insane amount of pressure between my legs and it's really getting uncomfortable now.

Like clockwork by this point, once again Layla walked through the threshold to my room. I winced at the slight pain with the spasms now coming in at just about two minutes, since my body had gotten used to the lack of pain. Darlene was walking in circles around the room, holding a sleeping Alex on her arm and a paper cup of coffee in the other, trying to stay awake, Layla herself looking like she hadn't slept in two days. 

"Darlene, there's a child play area, one floor down, if you'd like I can call someone, to take care of him." She offered while she put on her gloves. 

Darlene just waved her off in silence. 

"You alright, Elliot?" 

"I will be, once this is over, god... I forgot how boring this part was." 

"It shouldn't be too long now, subsequent births are always shorter." 

I laid my head down, as I waited for her to be done. 

To my surprise, she uttered the words I had been waiting for all day. 

"It's time." 

My face was one of relief, as I once again winced at the spasm.

"Layla, I am I supposed to feel anything?" 

"Not really, why?" 

"This stuff has been wearing off, for the past twenty minutes I think." 

"I'll talk with Dr. Roberson, you should be good once we're in the OR." 

Wait, what?

"The OR?" 

"Yes, Elliot, I've mentioned it to you a couple of weeks ago, it's standard procedure when it comes to multiples. You're ready, so we're going to wheel you into the OR now, we'll get things started." 

She pressed the call button next to my bed to call for a nurse, I don't remember anything, I must've zoned out when she told me about it. Once the nurse walked in, she told her to bring in a wheelchair and to tell Robertson, there's a problem with the epidural. The wheelchair was rolled in by a different nurse, whose name I hadn't learned yet, they rolled me down to the operating room, where a birthing chair was already prepared. My anxiety intensified just looking it at it - it looks like some sort of torturing device. I sat on it and the room started filling in with people, making me very uncomfortable. The stares... like scientists examining their lab rat.

"Layla, what's going on?" 

"Relax, Elliot, everyone is here to help, they vowed to me they will keep this to themselves, _otherwise, there will be consequences._ You've already met Stacy and Dr. Roberson - this is Ashley (the nurse who pushed me on the wheelchair), and Dr. Wright, he's an OB-GYN and they will all be assisting me today, this is a safe space, there's nothing to worry about."

Her words didn't ease me one bit, so many strangers around me while I'm in no position to protect myself isn't a **_safe_** space. They double-checked the epidural, but nothing was wrong with it, even though I could feel some things, as my contractions were coming in more frequently. 

"Sir, can you feel this." I was asked by one of the nurses, who was wiggling my right big toe. 

I shook my head no. 

"Can you feel my hand there?" 

Layla asked holding my knee. Again I shook my head no. 

"But you can feel here, right?" 

She asked as she touched the lower part of my stomach. 

I nodded this time, unsure of what any of this means. I was getting more and more distraught by the second, while Layla suddenly turned into a Major General. 

"Alright, people, let's get to work! Put his legs in the stirrups, and we're off, these babies can't stay in there much longer." 

Everyone started to move quickly to their spots while the two nurses put me into position, still hooked up to the same machines that were in my room as well as a monitor that was tracking my BP, which was already higher than it should be. 

"Okay, Elliot, I want you to focus on me now. Are we clear? On your next contraction, I want you to push but be gentle." 

She settled herself between my legs, and everything became all the more real, my breaths shortened in fear. Why do I have to be alone with all of these strangers? I didn't have too much time to think about it as the next spasm followed, even though they're not really that strong, the pressure they have built up is hard to ignore, as the pain they were generating isn't in my muscles but is internal. I pushed with the contractions almost one on top of the other, so much so I couldn't tell between them and Layla had to tell me when to stop. Finally, the pressure became unbearable as I could feel a big mass just, wanting to pop out of me. 

"You're doing amazing Elliot, the head is almost out, just a little bit more." 

And with just one more push I felt it stretch me, and the pressure let up for a moment just to come back again once the shoulders had to make their way out. My body was confused, tired but at the same time, numb and in pain, I don't know what I'm feeling. 

"Dr. Jones, the patient's BP is rising." 

"Easy now, Elliot." 

I pushed on and on, just feeling more and more pressure. 

"Easy...."

This time I was asked to push and hold it, slowly but surely I felt the little body slowly inch its way out, and with one last mighty push, I felt the pressure release. Seconds passed, and I couldn't see anything that was happening but just a fraction of a second later, I heard a piercing wail, echo around the room, and a pale squished infant was held up in the air for me to see. 

"It's a little girl." 

Tears began to prick at my eyes as I was only able to see her face for a split second before she was wrapped in a towel and taken away. The sound of machines beeping, quickened as I watched Ashley leave the room with my baby in hand. 

"Abnormal fetal heart rate." Stacy spoke, standing next to the monitors. 

"Shit." I could hear Layla curse under her breath. 

"Doctor Jones, we've got a cord prolapse, it's an overt UCP." 

"I can see that Dr. Wright." 

I could feel a panic attack coming on, contractions still, one on top of the other, and the sound of machines getting faster and louder as I was hearing troubling phrases, uttered almost as whispers so I wouldn't hear them. 

"Layla, what's going on?" 

I questioned, my voice quivering at the unknown, I could see the worry etched on Layla's face, this doesn't look good.

_"Tell me what is going on!"_ I cried out, tired. - I could feel my heart, beating inside my brain. 

"It's uh- When I pulled out your baby girl, the second baby's umbilical cord was wrapped around her foot, and it came out with her, I am so sorry, Elliot, but we have to operate." 

My heart sank at the news. 

"Unfortunately, I'm unsure how much you'll feel, seeing as the epidural, is partially inactive. Stacy, prepare, for an emergency c-section."

I looked around the room, looking for even an ounce of something that would calm me down, but all I saw was Ashley walking back in, alone. Suddenly, Layla's commander-voice was back again. 

"Richardson, get me 60 ml of anesthetic, Stat." 

"What are you thinking?"

"I can't operate, if he's going to feel it, get me a local anesthetic." 

She was beginning to get irritated. 

"Are you mad? You can't just pump him full of Lidocaine, and call it a day." 

"Well, you fucked up, now I have no other way, get me some Mepivacaine, now!" 

Hearing all the unknown jargon was making me dizzy as I was now freely crying in silence, the contractions slowly creating pressure anew. 

"His BP is too high, he might hemorrhage."

Layla walked up closer to me and held my hand. 

"Elliot, I swear to you, everything will be alright, just hold tight."

Richardson walked back into the room with syringes on a metal tray, and a small blue curtain was drawn in front of me so I wouldn't see. Unexpectedly, someone put I stool next to me, and Darlene sat down entirely dressed in scrubs, like the medical staff. Her presence was a blessing to my nerves as more tears streamed down the sides of my face. 

"You're going to be alright, I saw the little girl, she's beautiful." 

Her breathing was clearly rushed, as she caressed my forehead, reassuringly. 

"Where is Alex?" 

"He's sleeping, a nurse is watching him, he's safe. Trust me." 

She grabbed ahold of my hand. 

"Jones, this is crazy, his heart is about to give out." 

"I have no choice, pass me the syringe." 

"Are you sure about this? Local anesthetic, for a cesarean, hasn't been done in twenty years."

Richardson was still arguing with Layla, not co-operating, when suddenly Mr. Robot pushed past the nurses, grabbed one of the syringes, and handed it over to Layla.

"Do it doc!" 

He then vanished. 

Wasting no time, she got to work, which I couldn't see because of the curtain but I could feel the needle prick my skin. The beeping of the machines getting faster and faster.

"Blood pressure, 160/90." Stacy was still watching the monitors. 

I groaned as I felt the first tingles of a cut, on the underside of my stomach. Darlene turned around to look at the monitors herself and held my hand with both of her hands, trying to comfort me. 

"Elliot, Elliot, look at me."

She squeezed my hand. 

"You have to calm down or you're going to have a stroke."

Her voice was quiet, almost a whisper. 

"You're going to get out of this, both you and the twins are going to be fine, and all that will be left is a scar." 

I groaned once again as I felt them, tug as my skin seemingly ripping it in the process, the anesthetic slowly taking effect. 

"You're doing so great, just think of how you're going to play with them in the sand, how you're going to have to change their diapers and wake up at ungodly hours of the night. Just think of all these bullshit stereotypes."

She chuckled under her breath, making me chuckle as well at the ridiculous examples she gave. 

"Yes, good, laugh, just think about how, when this is over you're going to go sleep with Alex, and when you wake up, you're going to meet the twins." 

Her words were so heartfelt I could feel my heart swell at the idea. 

"BP 130/80, he's stabilizing."

I was suddenly short of breath, as I felt hands roam inside my body, like a woman rummaging through her purse. The confusing sensation, of numbness and sharp pain, engulfing me at once. For several minutes I felt them, tug at my flesh, not sure of what they were doing, the pulse in my ears having become a calming rhythm I could focus on. 

Not too long after I felt them tug the small body, out of my stomach and all the motion stopped, I didn't hear anything, aside for murmurs from the medical team. Then, just like before Ashley left the room, a baby swaddled in her arms. 

"Why are you taking him away? Why isn't he crying?" 

I felt the hot, fright-filled tears spill out of my eyes. 

"It's alright Elliot, he's breathing, they're just taking him to be looked over." Layla spoke, tangled in her work. 

I looked on in the direction of the operating room door as if someone was going to bring them back to me. Darlene squeezed my hand again, showing her alliance. 

"Elliot, did you make your mind up, about what we spoke of two weeks ago?" 

Layla's voice was now so innocent, unsure, a complete opposite to the hard and cold tone she was using before. I maybe have passively thought about her offer... I didn't think it would come to this but I guess now it doesn't matter. 

"Leave it." 

My voice was cold and emotionless, I could see on her face as she looked over the curtain, to see me, that she was about to ask me again but decided against it. Instead, she turned back to her work, I could feel them, tugging at my insides as they were working to sew me up. 

Maybe twenty minutes later, they were done, and they finally wheeled me back to my room, My lower half still numb from the epidural and my system flowing with anesthetic, after 24 hours awake, I was completely out of it and at a quarter to five in the morning, my body finally gave up, as I passed out and fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're finally here!


	18. 404 Error Not Found

The next morning. 

I woke up around eleven with something squeezing me tight around my chest, I opened my eyes to see Alex, holding onto me with all his might. He was sleeping so I tried to slowly adjust myself but even my tiniest movement woke him up. He rubbed at his eyes, groggily and then snuggled back into my chest. 

"Don't move, Daddy." 

"I have to Baby, I'm uncomfortable." 

I pushed myself a bit higher so I could sit up, and collect my thoughts, Alex didn't like that too much. Once I looked around the room, I noticed we were alone, and a sheet of water was steadily running down the big window as the rain was pouring outside. I caressed his head lightly, as he snoozed longer but I also noticed, I wasn't in any pain. What, the hell happened? Did I dream again? Just then, Darlene walked into the room her hair and jacket, damp, she threw her backpack on the chair in the corner.

"Where were you." 

"I went to get some food, I'm sure you're starving, and it's not like this place is a five-star restaurant."

I was about to get mad at her, for leaving Alex alone while I was sleeping, but decided against it. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. 

"Where are the twins, did they tell you anything?"

At this point, I just wanted to see them, I didn't care about food, right now, I want my kids. 

"They're in intensive care, especially, the boy, apparently, he had some breathing problem they had to work out." 

I **_need_** to see them.

"Hey, can you hold Alex for a second, I can't really adjust with him holding me." 

Kindly, she obliged and took him into her arms, using that moment, I eased myself close to the edge of the bed, I ripped the IV full of whatever they were pumping into me, out of my arm and bolted for the door. 

"What are you doing? ELLIOT! Stop!" All Darlene could do was, shout after me, since she had Alexander in her arms. 

Considering my surgery wasn't that long ago, the feeling in my legs hadn't fully come back yet, my legs were partially numb, and the cut in my abdomen rendered my core muscles useless, I didn't know how to walk. I stumbled out of the room and into the hospital hallway, it felt like I was walking for the very first time, it took all my strength not to fall over. As I stumbled deeper into the hallway I caught a nurse walking by.

"Where is the NICU?" 

She didn't reply and stuttered, I don't have time for that, instead, I kept stumbling along holding myself up with the walls looking for signs that would direct me to where I needed to go. Realistically, I hadn't gotten that far when I tripped, unable to move my legs properly, as Darlene shouted in the distance. Soon she caught up to me, presumably having left Alex sleeping in the room. 

"Can somebody help?" 

She yelled around, and a random nurse came to assist. I was now feeling a stinging pain coming from my elbow and my stomach. Once I looked down, I noticed blood flowing from the crook of my elbow where my IV had been and a patch of blood was forming on my gown, where the cut had been made not even twelve hours ago. I couldn't get up. Quickly, another nurse showed up with a wheelchair, who after a moment I realized, was Stacy. Together, the two nurses hiked me up in the wheelchair and rolled me in the direction of my room.

"Page Dr. Jones, her patient tore his stitches."

The other nurse went to do as she was asked as Stacy and Darlene put me back in bed, the stain on my gown growing slowly. Instantly she got to cleaning my arm and put a bandage around it, going over to the other side of the bed to insert a new IV into my other arm. Out of nowhere, the door to my room flung opened with an angry Layla in tow.

"What did you do?!"

At lightning speed, she was by my side, opening the gown up to see the cut, blood staining my skin because the moist fabric had stuck to it. For the first time, I got to see it myself as I saw it was pretty much right above my pubic hair and approximately four and a half inches wide. My skin stapled together on one end and a few staples, loose with a small hole on the other. 

"Ugh, Elliot... Can't you stay put for five minutes? There's always something with you." 

She was clearly annoyed with me while Darlene snickered, thinking no one had noticed. Quickly, she got to work as Stacy had already prepared a stitching kit on a side table, this time sewing the skin shut rather than using staples. 

I could feel my body, quaking as I internalized all of my frustrations and sorrow, tormented by the people around me's anger, while slow and silent tears filled my eyes to the brink. I hadn't said a word and I couldn't, my throat tightened up as guilt seeped in with everyone's displeasure of my actions. Layla was quiet, focused and Darlene looked after Alex who was slowly coming around. 

"Are you going to say anything or cat got your tongue."

She was addressing me but she didn't even spare me a glance, finishing up the last of the stitches. Once she was done, she did take a look at me, and I had to look pretty bad as her expression softened, now instead of anger, there was pity in her eyes. 

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have gotten mad at you." 

I sniffled as a single stray tear, rolled down my cheek. 

"Talk to me, Elliot, I'm here now, I'll tell you all you want to know." 

I blinked rapidly as more tears got caught on my lashes, she must really feel bad for me, you could feel it, you could feel she was being honest. 

"What's in the IV?" I sniffled trying to calm myself down. 

"It's morphine, otherwise you'd be crawling up the walls right now."

Fuck! Why morphine? 

"Take it out, I don't want it." 

"It has to be there or you'd be in too much pain." 

"Well, then give me something else! I don't care if it's not as strong, I don't want the morphine..." 

The room went quiet.

"...Aside from the slip up a few months ago, I haven't had morphine in three years, I don't want it, not even intravenously, I don't want it tempting me."  
I looked away at the floor in shame. Without any further questions, Layla walked over to a cabinet on the wall and took out a different IV. She walked up to the bed and swapped it out with the one in my arm. 

"Alright, what else?" 

"I want to see them." 

"Ah, so that's what this whole hullabaloo was about - okay, Elliot, one thing first - You just had major surgery and your body didn't have time to completely reset yet, you'll be able to walk on your own in a couple of hours, right now, you can only move in that wheelchair. The twins are in the NICU on a different floor, you can go see them, but you stay in that wheelchair, or you can go there in 3 hours with someone holding you up." 

She gave me a questioning look as if there even was a choice. 

"I want to see them now." 

As gingerly as possible, I moved to the wheelchair and we headed towards the NICU. Alex sitting on my legs, getting a free ride, which he liked very much. We went up the next floor and I was pushed along the hallway as we passed giant windowpanes, with babies in incubators behind them. Just after the fourth windowpane, we turned into a room where there were only six babies. Layla pushed me in between two incubators and stepped aside. 

I looked back and forth at two bright pink squished little faces that were fast asleep. The baby on my left had a pink hat on and the baby on the right had a blue one, and they both had paper tags with just the last name _Alderson_ and the date _04-24-2020_ on their ankles. I teared up again as, after all this time, they're finally here. 

"Look, Baby, that's your siblings." I held him up a bit higher so he could see. 

"That's your sister." I held him up to the left. 

"And that's your brother." I moved him to the right. 

I kinda sniffled all the while he stared somewhat intrigued but ultimately didn't understand. It doesn't matter; _they're here._

Darlene took Alex from me and I slipped one of my hands into the incubator on the right. I reached in and held his hand, it's so small, it's a wide as two of my fingers. I took my hand out and reached into the incubator on the left, I had barely touched her skin when she wrapped three of her fingers around my index. 

My heart chocked, I never realized how much they mean to me until now, and it hurts all the more to see them in these glass cases - it's exactly what I had feared. 

"We're planning on taking her out, around six, tonight, the boy has to stay in there for another day at least." 

Layla always says the right things at the right time, it's almost as if she can read my mind. 

"It turns out he was developing a little bit slower than she was so his lungs weren't quite as good as we wanted them to be." 

"Then why is she here?" 

"She needs the heat, neither of them can really properly regulate body temperature yet." 

I wheeled myself away from them in the direction of the door.

"Don't be sad, Elliot, they're not here for anything major, this is the equivalent to you having had given birth a day later. You gave them so much to work with, they're perfectly healthy." 

A day later... a day later and they wouldn't have to be here. 

***

Once we had gotten back to my room I got to see their paperwork, the girl was born at 2:20AM and weighs 5.7 ounces, and the boy at 03:08AM at 5.3 ounces, making him 48 minutes younger, I can already tell he'll never hear the end of it. Sometime past 2PM they finally let me walk, not before evaluating if I was walking well enough beforehand, now I have to walk with a cane for a couple of days otherwise they won't let me go. 

Darlene took Baby out for a walk, I'm sure he wasn't too fond of staying here cooped up for so long, I don't know when she'll be back, honestly. Given no one was watching my back, and I could finally walk, I went back up, to the NICU. I stood there behind the windowpane, looking at them; thunder raging on outside the window. I don't think it ever stopped raining since yesterday. 

I guess it doesn't look as bad as I had imagined but seeing them confined like this hurts anyway. 

"You really love these kids don't you?" Mr.Robot stood beside me.

I didn't answer, I don't need to, he knows it. 

"You sure did prove me something." 

"What?" 

"You're nothing, like your parents."

I looked at him, not really understanding what he meant. 

"You know... When all of this started I was mad at you, I was angry. How could you just cast aside what had happened and willingly do this again? But then I realized, this wasn't about that - you see, kiddo - as soon as you started plotting this, I knew you weren't thinking, you forgot how you got here in the first place." 

What the heck is he talking about? 

"You're a hermaphrodite, you have a hereditary, genetic mutation, these do tend to rear their ugly heads at some point if you get what I mean. So when you started this whole thing, I knew something bad was bound to happen and I didn't want you to go through that. I didn't want you to have these kids because I know how hard it was on you when you were younger. And your mother never could accept what you were. All the abuse and bullying, just because you weren't like everybody else. Branding you forever as the odd one out, always getting shit for it." 

"And what about what you did, huh? Coming to my apartment, threatening me and my family?! Druging me and traumatizing my kid?! Not to mention all the shit you told me all this time. What was all that?!"

I raised my voice, how can he now play the hero card? 

"That wasn't right, I know and trust me I'm not proud of it. I'll admit some of the shit I did was pretty bad - the drugs specifically, I shouldn't have done that but you gotta understand, all I was focused on, was for you not to get hurt. The only way I thought possible was for you to get rid of them, since trying to talk some sense into you and scaring you, didn't work I thought, maybe the drugs would get you to do something but that, was it. And I didn't mean for Alex to react like that either, that was just an unfortunate side effect. You know I love that kid" 

"And the rape?"

"What about the rape?" He looked genuinely perplexed.

"The fuck you mean; What about the rape. Why did you make me remember?! That was just about the cruelest shit you could've done to me, **why?!"**

This time I raised my voice even louder, as the thunder rumbled. 

"That wasn't me, kiddo, the morphine was my last attempt, I figured if you didn't see through after that then I wasn't going to change you."

"Then who the fuck was it?" 

He walked inside the room with the incubators, I followed in.

"It was you." 

The fuck?

"What do you mean it was me? I saw you, just like I'm seeing you right now." 

He placed one of his hands on the incubator with the little girl, she looked like a baby doll with perfectly puckered lips. 

"Well, and what am I, Elliot?"

He looked at me, completely serious.

"I'm a figment of your imagination, Elliot, nothing more. You saw me because you wanted it, to be me. After all, I had been mean to you, so it only made sense. As much as there is, your goodwill and kindness in me, there is my bitterness and resentment in you."

I was taken aback by his statement. 

"I can take over as much as I want, this is still your body, you saw everything happen, you just repressed it for a very long time but I guess, all of my tauntings caused much more, harm than they did good. I must have weakened the wall that you had put up that day, and once I had gone I still managed to make enough damage that you took down the wall yourself, thinking it was me. You know - memories may not be tangible but if enough negative ones, like abuse, self-pity, straight up remorse or whatever it may be, pile up for a long time, they can do a lot of damage..."

"Is that why you saved me, last night?" 

The thunder outside had stopped. Mr. Robot walked over to the other incubator with the little boy, the way he looked at the twins, I had never seen such an expression on his face - almost like longing or yearning, I can't quite pin it down. 

_"It's an exciting time in your world right now, kiddo."_

Eventually, he walked over to the doorway.

"I was meant to protect you, and ultimately I almost destroyed what you love most." 

I saw him walk out the door but I didn't see him pass by the windowpane, as quickly as I could I shuffled over to the hallway, but he was gone, the rain was gone and sunrays had finally come through the clouds. For the rest of the day, that didn't feel right, it didn't sit right with me, I felt... _hollow._

***

Given, they had to operate on me, I have to stay here for 3 days, and my little accident yesterday added me a few hours more, just to be sure I'll be fine when I get out. I finally have them with me, I can't stop holding her in my arms, she so precious, her lips are so delicate. Even though Alex was a newborn not that long ago, I'm somewhat scared I'll drop her, she's so small. Both of them are, with them being close to five and a half pounds, they're smaller than Alexander when he was born... but I've been told they're healthy and right now, that's all that matters. Ever since they took her out of the incubator she gets to sleep in the room with me and I can take care of them, I get to breastfeed them too. I'm not going to lie it was kind of weird doing it again after all this time but I got used to it fairly quickly. 

I put her back into her bassinet and took her brother into my arms. As I was still standing next to them the door opened and in walked Nancy followed by Darlene with Alex in her arms. 

"Oh my Goodness! Look at you, my darling, aww and your babies... they're so precious." 

She walked over to the two bassinets close to my bed, I chose to sit down on the bed, in the corner of my eyes I could see Darlene had sat down with Baby and the both of them were just observing the scene play out. 

"That's your little boy?"

"Yes, this is Nathan, Nathan Gabriel Alderson." 

"Aww, what a lovely name." 

I looked to Darlene as she gave me one of the biggest smiles I had ever seen on her face.

"And that's your little girl?" She asked, holding onto the plastic crib. 

"Yeah... her name is Ruth-" I chocked out.

"Ruth Angelica Alderson." 

Nancy covered her mouth with both hands and gasped. 

"You didn't have too, Dear. Come 'ere love." 

Without warning, she stepped closer, hugging me as tight as she could, all the while I was holding Nathan in my arms. While she hugged me I could see Darlene had slight tears creeping in her eyes. 

"Actually, Nancy..." She stepped away. 

"You have been nothing but nice and you've been so good to Alexander these past couple months so I wanted to ask you... Would you like to be their Grandmother?"

This time her face faltered slightly and her brows furrowed. 

"But what about your mother?" 

I looked down, I thought she would have agreed. 

"She passed away, a few years back." 

Darlene was quickly at our sides, actively engaging in the conversation. 

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, In that case - Absolutely, I'd love to, I'm sure these two are going to be just as sweet as their big brother."

Her voice got more overjoyed as she agreed and as I looked at her, she had the widest grin ever.

"I'm sorry if I made you sad at first, I never thought I'd get to be a grandma so you surprised me there." 

The rest of the day was filled with juggling newborns and chatting, I dozed off some time later completely exhausted. 

*3 months later*

I'm sorry I don't talk to you all that much anymore friend, I don't really have the time, with three kids my days are pretty eventful not that I'm complaining. I'm back to, dropping Alex off and getting him from daycare whenever I can, otherwise, Darlene helps me out - actually, Nancy has been helping out with that too, although home is where I need her the most, she's like my second pair of hands which comes in pretty handy (no pun intended), she helps me out a lot and I've grown quite fond of her 'Dears' and 'Darlings'. 

I'm not going to lie to you, it's not all sunshine and rainbows, I have my share of hard days, but it's nowhere as bad as when Alex was born. I haven't been back to Krista's yet, I'm not sure I'll go back actually, they sent me there for anger management, I don't need it anymore. Not to say I don't have other issues, but I'm ok for now. I haven't seen Mr. Robot since that day at the hospital, I'm not sure he'll ever come back, I kind of wish we had talked for longer, if not for him that day, I'd be dead, or Nathan would have been... thanks to him I get to enjoy a gorgeous sunny day at Coney Island with my Family. _With my Family..._ It feels good to say it. I get to show my kids the beach I love so much I get to sink my feet into the cold wet sand as waves come crashing in as we enjoy some cotton candy. I get to spend time with the people I love and the new friendships I've formed, I get to enjoy myself... and it's all **_real._**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi and sorry for the long wait, I feel like I need to explain or justify my absence but aside for college applications I have nothing but the fact that I've been somewhat uninspired lately. I decided to finally finish this fic (even though it's probably not the ending everyone was waiting for) but I didn't want to leave this hanging forever (If I do get inspired in the future, maybe I'll post some chapters of them some years later). I was going to post two chapters but realized I didn't have enough material and it would round up nicely to 18 chapters so it's just the one. I hope I haven't disappointed anyone but I will say, having re-read a small bit of "Something greater than loss" that I will maybe start writing a sequel to that (or I'll start something new) don't really know yet. 
> 
> And before I go I'd like to say that I had a great time writing these stories, and even though I may not be that active I check back here fairly often and always have it in the back of my mind so if anyone has any prompts or ideas they'd like me to do, or if you just want to chat that's fun too (I'm totally up for new friends) you can write me at shame.500@o2.pl I always check/answer my email and I'd love to hear what y'all have to say. I also do art and could do some fanart for these stories if anyone fancied that. 
> 
> So, as always I invite you to leave a comment and until the next one.


	19. 302 Found

3 years later 

Hello Friend. Yes, friend. I know it's been a while but You were only in my head we have to remember that. If I were to keep you around I'd run the risk of not knowing what's real anymore. Shit. It doesn't matter anymore, I know it's all real, that's why I haven't done this in a while I guess. 

It's been three years without you... three years without Mr.Robot too, he's gone for good. I know he showed up after almost two years the last time but, now that I look back on it, he said Goodbye. He was ready, I was ready, it was time to let go, and I feel good about it, I don't miss him - I don't miss him because I'm not alone anymore. I have my kids and family. 

Alex is 6 years old, can you believe it? It feels just like yesterday when I had him, yet he's just started first grade. I'm so proud of him. He's doing so good, he's not an all A's student but I know he tries his best that's all that matters. Ruth and Nathan are 3, they're getting more talkative as they learn new words and I find myself having the strangest of conversations with them. I think Nathan might be left-handed, everytime I give them coloring books to fill he holds the crayons in his left hand, but then sometimes he holds them in his right, so I'm not quite sure. Oh yeah, and I got a new job a couple of months back, it's a simple IT gig but it pays well, it's getting hard to live comfortably in the two small apartments I'm renting, Shaila's old place is the kid's room and during the day, they trash my apartment with their toys after kindergarten. Because of my job, I can't always pick up the kids from school, so it's always Either Darlene or Nancy who get them home. Nancy is a godsend, it was so hard the first year with the trio, I don't think it would have gone as well without her help. She'd take Alex in when I had to go with the twins to the Pediatrician or she would always help me with them when they were fussy, even though she never had any kids of her own she has some sort of innate know-how for dealing with kids. But now as she's getting older I try not to bother her with everything, I have to figure these things out for myself as hard as they may be. I go on walks with the kids as often as I can, we always pass by Coney Island, there is something about that place that pulls me towards it, I can't explain but they get to play in the sand, and during the warmer months, they get to go swimming. 

5 years later (2028) 

Hello friend... I turned 42 last week, can you believe it? So many things happened in ten years and to think I wanted to kill myself when I was 29... That was only 2 years before Alex, my baby. Only 5 years before the twins, they give me so much joy every day. And to believe I was just going to let all of that unknown happiness go with the wind. If not for that day... if not for Trenton's brother I would have never lived to see any of this. I would thank him or something but he probably doesn't remember me. 

When I first met Nancy she said, she believes things happen for a reason... Maybe she's right? 

I was upstairs when I heard the front door open and Alexander ran inside, his siblings trotting in behind him. I walked down the stairs to see them. 

"It's my turn!"

"No, it's mine!"

They were already arguing who was allowed to be on the computer first...

I bought this house about 2 years ago now, in the New York suburbs, but I wasn't about to buy them each their own PC, they're only 11 and 8 I don't want them sitting all day, their phones are already enough. 

"Calm down, guys. Alex had the computer last, so Ruth can have it now." 

"Thank you, Daddy." She beamed jumping up and down on the spot and then quickly ran upstairs to my office. 

Alex and Nathan just sat there, angry.

"You two. Homework." 

They groaned as they walked away to their rooms. 

"If you finish before 6, you'll get an hour on the PC." 

I spoke aloud to the empty air but quickly heard a gasp and then scurrying steps go up the stairs. I chuckled to myself at how easy it was to bribe them into schoolwork. 

***

"Alright, guys come down! We're going to see Auntie Darlene." 

I hollered up the stair. Soon after a slew of steps was going down the stairs, cheering. 

"Can we play with Grace?" Ruth asked, all innocent. 

"Yes, you'll get to play with Grace." 

Grace is Darlene's daughter, she adopted about 3 years ago now. The poor thing was abandoned by her mother at the hospital, under save-heaven law so we don't know who her mother was, but Darlene has taken such good care of her, I always said she'd make a great mom. 

***

"3 years later (the year 2031) - Alex is 14 today, we had a birthday party for him in the yard, a bunch of his friends came as well. He's so happy, he's such a good kid my heart, aches. Ruth and Nathan gave him a friendship bracelet, that matches a set they wear as this sort of sibling bond - how are these, _my_ kids? How are they so pure? I don't know, how or what I did to deserve them but I wouldn't have it any other way-"

"Guys? Would you come down? Dinner is ready." Elliot's voice boomed up into the attic. 

"In a minute!" Nathan yelled back down. 

The kids had been sitting in the attic, reading their father's journals for about 3 hours now. 

"Keep on reading, Baby." Ruth said. 

"Hey! Only Dad gets to call me that." The eighteen-year-old sibling snapped back.

"There isn't much left in here anyway, he describes how the day went and some other stuff but that's the last entry from 4 years ago, I don't think there are any others. Was that the last journal?" 

"Um, yeah I think so, the box is empty." Nathan spoke as he looked inside the old shoebox just to make sure.

"Aw, I wanted to read more, there so much he hasn't told us..." Ruth's shoulders fell as she sighed, disappointed.

The three of them sat silently on the attic floor in the old yellow light, resigned. 

"Maybe we could ask him?" Alex asked hesitantly. 

"Nathan, Ruth? Where are you guys?" Elliot's voice was once again heard at the bottom of the stairs. 

Unresolved, the kids went down the attic ladder, and then down the stair into the kitchen, as they sat at the kitchen table, Elliot noticed the lack of their usual cheery disposition but said nothing, at least not yet. They sat quietly eating when Alex began to play with his food, the sound of his fork hitting the white porcelain, like a church bell on a Sunday morning. 

"Did something happen?" 

"No." They answered in unison. 

"Then, why are you guys so gloomy, usually I can't get you to stop talking." Elliot set his knife and fork down waiting for one of them to answer. 

"We were in the attic." Alex finally spoke up. 

"And we found something," Ruth added, uncertain. 

"Well, what was it? All there is upstairs is your old toys." 

The silence lingered. 

"We found some journals..." 

This time it was Elliot's turn to go silent, his face freezing up staring right ahead at nothing in particular, a low gulp the only sound audible. 

"We read them all..." Nathan tried but got no answer out of his father. 

A sheen of sweat became apparent of Elliot's forehead as his heart began to race his breathing quickened and his thoughts whizzed by at hundreds of miles an hour. Locked in a trance he turned numb, but before he lost all of his senses a warm hand grabbed hold of his and squeezed it tight. 

"It's okay Dad." Alex said calmly.

"You don't have to be scared, it's okay." 

The tight squeeze on his hand the only sensation left, Elliot turned to look at his son, his flesh and blood and a tear streamed down his face. 

"You read, all of them..." His voice quivered. 

It wasn't a question it was a statement, the acceptance that he had nothing to hide in front of his children anymore. And they were okay with it? That they were okay with whom he was and what he had done and thought and the experiences that happened to him. 

As he sat there at the kitchen table with his kids, reliving all of his memories, the memories Alex, Ruth, and Nathan read in the attic, a warmth spread in his chest and a sense of calmness settled in. They were his kids, they weren't going to judge him, they loved him. He didn't have to be perfect nor pretend he's someone he is not and now they knew everything. Finally, Elliot squeezed back, acknowledging his son's words. He looked at Alex's face. 

"Thank you, Baby." 

The corners of his mouth curved upwards in a slight smile but his I eyes were too tired to show his gratitude. He then looked at Ruth and Nathan and gave them both a knowing nod, he was about to drop the subject and pick up his silverware when the three of them stood up from their seats. They walked over to their Father and the trio hugged him all at once, as tightly as they could, Ruth felt a tear slide down her cheek and she sniffled. In his sitting position, Elliot wrapped his arms around them as best as he could while they were there, the four of them just existing, in this one moment in time, in peace, Elliot, once broken but his Family broken no more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! It's me again, I finally decided to post this end chapter, it's probably not what you expected nor you wanted but It's what I thought of and I'm satisfied with it. I can finally mark this story as complete and get on to other things, not sure how often anything with show up, here since I'm now in college and don't really have time to write at all but I hope I'll be able to put out some things. Till the next one.


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